The Ridiculously Phallic Crunchie Ads of the 1950s


SCENE: Offices of London ad agency Subliminal, Persuader, & Manipulate, 1957.

Subliminal: “Gentlemen: I just got off the phone with Fry’s. We got a new giant bar to push, the 6D. I told them they should call it the 8D, but they said it’s not twice big. I told them, who gives a fuck—we’ve already gone down on Freud like a five-dollar slag with this campaign, so why not go all in?”

Manipulate: “I can tell you from experience that girls think 8 is the perfect size D.”

Persuader: “Can I borrow that dildo this weekend, Manipulate?”

Subliminal: “Shut-up, you cunts. Creatively, do we want to stick with illustration, or should we switch to photos?”

Manipulate: “Photos photos!!! I’ll do the casting! No men this round!”

Persuader: “I think we should stay with drawings of hot birds. That way, consumers can project themselves into the scene.”

Subliminal: “Whoa, Persuader. You been doing some reading?”

Persuader: “Packard’s new book is a gold mine, boss.”

Manipulate: “Can we get them to change the tagline? ‘Biting’ makes me think of my first painful experience.”

Subliminal: “It rhymes, it wins. Give me ideas by Friday, wankers.”

Her hands say no, but her eyes say yes. Her boyfriend just wants to watch.

Peeling down the foreskin. Well placed beach ball covering up man’s raging member. Look at his eyes, mouth.

Red head on a cold day.

1959 photo ad, Manipulate finally gets his way. “…two are nicer than one.” The horse seals it.

This piece originally appeared on Copyranter. Republished with permission. Mark Copyranter was an NYC advertising copywriter for 20 years. Now, he’s The Best Fucking Ad Critic In The World™. Follow him on Twitter: @copyranter.


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