The Ten Likeliest Vice Presidents for Trump

If I had written this column before her “I murdered a puppy in cold blood” press tour, she probably would have been at the penultimate end of it. The chart on her share price looks like a shitcoin that just got rug-pulled. Despite this entire cringe tour, I still think she has value. She’s employing the “be batshit crazy then blame everyone for canceling you when they point that out” strategy that Trump and tons of other conservatives have rode into positions of power and influence. We know Trump is no fan of dogs, and despite all logical evidence to the contrary, Noem likely isn’t completely out of this. There’s value here.

Lol. Lmao even. Nikki Haley is a time traveler from 2012 who got lost. She’s trying to win with a constituency in the GOP that has less power than us socialists have in the Democratic Party. Newsflash for Haley and her team of sunk cost enthusiasts thinking they can change the GOP into anything other than what it has always wanted to be: Mitt Romney lost in 2012. That world died with him. No shot.

The fact that Ann Coulter told Vivek she agrees with him but won’t vote for him because he’s Indian probably rules him out. Trump can’t alienate a core constituency like unrepentant racists. Of everyone on this list, no one is thirstier to serve King Trump than Vivek, so based on that fact alone you can’t totally rule him out. Trump loves people who pledge fealty to him more than he loves all his children not named Ivanka (who he totally wants to sleep with, even Stormy Daniels confirmed it again this week).

Probably not? There’s really no reason to totally rule her out. She’s as Trumpy as they come, and she’s got more Trumpist bona fides than anyone else, as she served as his chief mouthpiece for nearly two years. She just doesn’t seem to move the needle the way that other people on this list do, and remember that this is all being viewed through the lens of a game show host. We need some level of pizazz, and Sanders just doesn’t have that kind of “look at me” energy Trump idealizes.

Oh hell yes. Now we’re talkin’.

No one else on this list other than Vivek peacocks more than the woman who has occupied every portion of the ideological spectrum over the last decade. When she was standing up to Democrats she did come off as a true idealist with principles, but genuflecting towards Trump proves all those supposed principles to be hollow. If you ask people who work in D.C. which TV show it most resembles, Veep is often cited, and Tulsi Gabbard is a great example of someone just oozing with desperate and cynical Selina Meyer power-hungry energy. This choice would shock a significant portion of Respectable America, which is exactly why she has a realistic chance of being Trump’s Veep.

This price is a result of recent reporting on the VP tryout Trump staged at Mar-a-Lago last weekend. PredictIt wasn’t even offering Rubio odds in the last 90 days before this week. Even though Trump and “Little Marco” have had their differences in the past, I wouldn’t rule it out, mostly because it would provide Trump with plenty of opportunities to talk about his dick again.

The Congresswoman from New York and the fourth-highest ranking House Republican is another Gabbard-esque peacock who is malleable in whatever direction her interests push her. However, unlike Gabbard, the press gives her the respectable politician treatment, which makes her a formidable running mate. Trump knows he has a problem with women and he’s acutely aware of how to use racism as an electoral strategy, and campaigning with a seemingly nice-looking white lady is an idyllic image to a lot of conservative consultants for a reason.

WHAT? WHO???

**Goes to his Wikipedia**

Douglas James Burgum (born August 1, 1956) is an American businessman and politician serving since 2016 as the 33rd governor of North Dakota. He is among the wealthiest governors in the U.S.

Ahhhh OK. Got it.

Like Rubio, Burgum is a serious candidate only thanks to recent reporting on Trump’s thinking, but it’s still wild that this relative unknown has made it to the upper crust of the chase for VP this late in the race. That said, one look at this Gordon Gekko-esque motherfucker makes it clear why Trump looks at him with googly eyes.

This honestly feels like the favorite to me. I have long thought the next candidate on this list was going to be Trump’s choice because he checks the most boxes of everyone in power making this decision, but that is my logical brain’s conclusion. Remember, we’re tapping into our game show host brain to try to figure this out, and the Yale guy who cosplays as some humble anonymous Midwesterner who Trump Jr. has a major crush on just feels like their guy, doesn’t it?

Like other peacocks on this list, Vance is very good at making the press look at him, and that skill is invaluable to a meat-filled bottle of spray tanner who can only perceive the world through the distorted lens of a cable news camera. Vance has already successfully tricked the press into believing he’s a serious person, and he has proven he can pretend to be a statesman even though anyone who comes into contact with him can see he’s a schmuck. The former editor of the Yale Law Journal really is the perfect match for what a Trump administration tries to market itself as, and what it truly wants to be.

The prices indicate that Scott is a heavy favorite, and for good reason. He is a widely respected figure in the Republican establishment and is the exact type of trusted babysitter the lizard people who run the GOP would want keeping an eye on Trump. Tim Scott is one of just two established Senators on this list (Vance was elected to the Senate in 2022), and he didn’t insinuate that Trump had a tiny dick in 2016.

Scott brings a level of prestige and gravitas to the VP that no one else does, and he can help Trump try to continue to make inroads with black voters. His biggest liability was how he previously was kind of weird in public about his personal life. This raised unconfirmed rumors throughout the GOP around something that is frankly nobody’s business.

But if you’re running to serve in the White House, America makes your personal business our business, and the GOP’s bigoted and messy ruler would never choose a running mate he thought was gay. On January 22nd, Scott put this rumor mill to rest as he announced his engagement to a girlfriend he had been telling people about in response to this leading line of questions.

Scott’s Predictit price has been up only ever since. They only provide data going back 90 days, but even just tracing his rise from February 9th, his stock is up fifty percent.

My logical brain has long said Tim Scott is the guy, but the part of my brain forever damaged by covering Trump from 2016 to 2020 for Paste says to take J.D. Vance, or any of the other shameless Trump sycophants like him, far more seriously than the betting market currently is.