Shocker: Stormy Daniels Described Her Sexual Encounter With Trump as ‘Brief’

On Tuesday, Stormy Daniels testified about her alleged, 2006 sexual encounter with Donald Trump, as part of the trial concerning the 34 felony charges he faces for allegedly paying her hush money ahead of the 2016 presidential election. And, based on everything I heard from Daniels today, I am reminded of the viral New York Times op-ed headline, “We Should All Know Less About Each Other.”

I don’t blame Daniels—she was just doing her part for democracy by answering prosecutors’ questions about everything that went down between her and Trump. I blame Trump for being a horned-up old man and I blame myself for choosing a line of work that would require me to read graphic details about our esteemed former president’s sex life.

In any case, back to Daniels’ testimony. As we already know, Daniels, an adult film star, met Trump at a golf tournament in 2006 while Trump’s wife Melania was pregnant with their son, Barron. He invited her to dinner in his hotel room, where she came upon him in silk pajamas before Daniels told him to change. From there, they wound up talking for about two hours, mostly about exactly what you’d expect Trump to want to talk about: Daniels’ work in the porn industry. At one point, Trump had Daniels call up one of her colleagues to tell her she was with Trump. Cool! And at another point in their conversation—which, I remind you, preceded the alleged sexual encounter—Daniels said Trump told her, “You remind me of my daughter,” who he described as blond and smart like her. How… sweet…

Over the course of those two hours, Daniels said she really wanted to eat dinner (relatable!), testifying, “I pretty much had enough of his arrogance and cutting me off and still not getting my dinner.” So, when Trump took out a magazine featuring him on the cover, she says she told him, “Someone should spank you with that.” Trump then “gave me a look” as a dare, so Daniels “took it from him and I said turn around, and I swatted him” on the butt. Well, OK!

Eventually, after drinking several bottles of water, Daniels testified that she had to use the restroom, where she found a bag of Old Spice products (lol). When she returned to Trump, he was on the bed in a t-shirt and boxers, a sight that Daniels described as “like a jump scare.”

“That’s when I had that moment where I felt like the room spun in slow motion,” Daniels said. She remembered thinking to herself, “Great, I’ve put myself in this bad situation.” Trump “didn’t come at me, he didn’t rush at me, he didn’t put his hands on me, nothing like that.” Still, well, we’ve all heard what happened next.

Now, for the part I assume you pervs are most interested in. “Did you end up on the bed having sex with him?” prosecutor Susan Hoffinger asked Daniels. “Yes,” Daniels said. “The next thing I know, I was on the bed, somehow on the opposite side of the bed from where we had been standing. I had my clothes and my shoes off.” Hoffinger asked if anything “unusual” went down between them; Trump’s attorneys objected to this question and the objection was sustained. But Daniels divulged that they didn’t use a condom, which she affirmed she found “concerning.” Concerning though it was, ultimately, the encounter was “brief.” That is… not exactly surprising! I’ve never been under the illusion that Trump was an especially generous or, err, durable (?) lover. But I guess now, for the first time in U.S. history, we have official legal testimony about what a sitting president was like in bed.

Take from all this what you will. I am all at once entertained, disgusted, and… unfazed? That said, Daniels also testified about how Trump spoke about Melania and it’s pretty…yikes: According to Daniels, Trump told her that he and Melania slept in different rooms—again, all the way back in 2006—and that, at the end of the sexual encounter, which he told her was “great” he didn’t bother asking her to keep it secret nor did he seem concerned about it getting back to Melania. In April, Trump missed Melania’s birthday to be in court so it sounds like a lovely marriage they’ve got there!

After their sexual encounter, Daniels recounted that Trump would call her on the phone and they’d speak twice or three times a week for a period; they reunited in 2007 in Los Angeles, where she says he told her he “missed” her, and he repeatedly made sexual advances on her at his bungalow, which she shut down by “[telling] him I was on my period.” That was the last time she saw Trump. The rest of the prosecutors’ questioning for Daniels then delved into the technicalities of the hush money payment that Trump’s campaign allegedly made to her in 2016, and, per NBC, the jurors and the public “[seemed] less engaged after Daniels testimony turns to payments.” Ya don’t say!

As for what happens next in all of this, I… couldn’t tell you! It’s not every day that a former president and current presumed Republican presidential nominee is on trial for alleged illegal hush money payments to the adult film star with whom he cheated on his then-pregnant wife almost 20 years ago. So, your guess is as good as mine! But what we do know is that Trump doesn’t sound like an especially great lay, and that’s enough—more than enough!—information for me, for right now.