This Week In Headlines: Celebrity Body Language Experts Claim Jennifer Lopez Staged Her Engagement?
CelebritiesWelcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is enjoying her brief vacation from press cycles centering the romantic entanglements of hydration activist Jennifer Aniston. In the rare downtime, she’s pivoted to conspiracy theories surrounding Jennifer Lopez’s engagement photos and the rise of celebrity “body language experts.”
Let’s dive in!
In Touch:
In a fact I completely ignored: Miranda Lambert recently eloped with a NYPD cop she knew for 5 months. Her new husband, it turns out, has a 5-month old son with another woman (a lawyer) he fathered while engaged to a third (a pro soccer player.) Reader, I’m genuinely worried for her! He has a baby with a lawyer, who he fathered while cheating with a pro athlete, who gave birth after he began dating a country superstar? Can’t she see the clear hunger this man has for betraying powerful women? There’s also pregnancy rumors I won’t indulge because I refuse to join In Touch readers in manifesting that for Lambert. As for Gwen Stefani & Blake Shelton: what else is left to say about this relationship? What mental ground has not been covered? Which emotional terrain has been left uncharted? And this insidious ideology peddled by the tabloids that the only fulfillment in marriage is found through pregnancy is an archaic nightmare.
In related news, I’m obsessed with a two-page spread on J.Lo and A-Rod’s “phoniest engagement ever”:
“The pristine blue ocean sparkled, complimenting the color of his sweater. A soft breeze blew, billowing her $328 Spell dress. And the sun began to set in the background, splashing the couple in the gorgeous light of the magic hour. When Alex Rodriguez whipped out a massive emerald cut diamond ring and proposed […] the moment seemed art directed by a Hollywood pro. “There wasn’t a hair out of place.”
What a journey! To expand on their investigation, In Touch hired a “body language expert” named Lillian Glass to break down the photographs. (According to her Twitter bio, she identifies as “a well respected internationally known COMMUNICATION & BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT, AUTHOR, MEDIA PERSONALITY, EXPERT WITNESS, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER.”)
- J.Lo’s bun was pulled tight and low to keep the wind from blowing it out of place during the photoshoot.
- Her stance conveys “a woman acting shocked”, like “she wasn’t really surprised.”
- His face is unnatural and probably “photoshopped.”
I might pivot to body language expert if it means important work like this. They also have sources claiming the engagement was ran through “four times” to capture the perfect shots. I’m unimpressed! They’re two industries merging assets valued at almost $1 billion. Of course they took the photos four times.
There’s a fabulous read of anthropomorphic bran muffin Colton Underwood describing his new hairstyle as a cross between Cameron Diaz in Something About Mary and a My Little Pony character. This is the content I crave! I would also describe it as:
- Somebody that Audrina Patridge cried over on The Hills.
- A Backstreet Boys roadie.
- Carson Daly’s hair stylist on TRL.
- A side character on Room and Bored from The Comeback.
Moving on: Kate Hudson proclaimed “I got hair!” and Teddi Jo Mellencamp described herself as “a loudmouth.” Worse, Hailey Baldwin revealed her skincare routine involves a $1400 moisturizer made from her own blood. Eat the rich! Ariana Grande also found herself in hot water after photos surfaced of her drinking Starbucks’ “cloud macchiato.” Fans, remembering her vegan announcement from 2013, mused: “It’s really weird that she is the ambassador for the new drink. You literally cannot make it vegan. The key ingredient is egg whites.” I love young journalists! There’s also a troubling report that Nicole Kidman is “looking frail”, usually a dog-whistle blown by body-shamers. As someone who suffered from anorexia, and will continue to struggle with it my entire life, I know the damage it causes when large groups of people pile on your appearance, actions, and “health.” If she is going through the experience of disordered eating, a page in the tabloids dedicated to her “skeletal arms” is rude and dangerous! We’re also informed of a rumor that another woman is about to come forward with a tell-all on Matt Lauer. Sources claim “the woman is determined to get her story out there.” Godspeed, stranger! It’s widely known he’s plotting a comeback- stop him at all costs!
I’d also like to break down a deranged graph on the ages of Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends. The y-axis is based on his age, the x-axis is the year, the plots are his age (again), and the bars are the ages of his girlfriends. I barely scraped by in statistics, but this can’t possibly be the most efficient way to plot this phenomenon? (I do find it fascinating that every 5 years their ages cap at 25 before starting back at 20. Is Leo ok? Are these women ok?)