Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman and I slog through the pages of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life& Style and Star so that together we may inform you of what the tabloids are up to. This week: Cameron Diaz is having a Good Charlotte baby; and Prince Harry’s watching reality TV; and Ben “Batman” Affleck has issues.
OK!
I’M HAVING BENJI’S BABY!
Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden have been dating for like three weeks now, which means it’s time to trot out the pregnancy rumors. Hooray. Apparently Cameron Diaz would very much like to become impregnated by the Good Charlotte singer, which we know for sure because she held his hand on the way to Starbucks, so, yeah, that’s the plan. As of now, she is not pregnant. Moving on: Ben Affleck is seriously addicted to gambling. All he does in Detroit (where he’s filming the new Batman movie) is gamble and not sleep. Jennifer Garner does not approve. In other news, Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Lawrence are embroiled in an “epic feud.” Here is the content of the epic feud: after Jennifer Lawrence went on TV and recounted the time that Miley Cyrus watched her vomit, a fan tweeted the video at Miley and she responded “that never happened” and then deleted it. Wow, so epic! The Odyssey of the modern day. Next: Jennifer Lopez is “humiliated” that Casper Smart was sexting other women; because they were trans, though, OK! says that the rumors that Casper is secretly gay are now “hard not to believe.” SIGH. THE LONGEST SIGH ON THE PLANET. A TEMPEST OF SIGHS. Finally, Kylie Jenner is very jealous of Kendall Jenner and her envy has put her “on a dangerous track to becoming a teenage train wreck.” Uh-oh. Warning signs of teen train wreck-dom include: rumors of plastic surgery, drinking tequila with Justin Bieber, posting “racy selfies.” Just typical teenage train wreck stuff. “If someone doesn’t rein her in soon, something tragic will happen,” says a source, presumably a representative from the Fun Police.
GRADE: D (hot bedroom at night, no fan)
Us
DANGEROUS ROMANCE
Khloe Kardashian’s new boyfriend French Montana is bad news, says everyone behind French Montana’s back. Here is his worrying resume, fretted over at length by Us Weekly: he’s still married to his estranged wife; he had both a wife and a girlfriend at the time he started dating Khloe; he’s been shot in the skull; he named his record label Cocaine City; he is maybe just using her for fame. Uh-oh!!!! As of now, they’re just chilling in the Hamptons and being videotaped for reality TV, so, uh, stay tuned, I guess. In other news, Adam Levine is calling up his exes and apologizing for being Adam Levine as his wedding date approaches. They “couldn’t care less that he wants to make it right,” though. Same. Elsewhere in the mag, Prince Harry watched the first episode of I Wanna Marry Harry and found it “hilarious,” but he’s too weirded out to keep watching. Which makes a lot of sense. Next: Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart were already amicably broken up at the time of his sexting scandal,says a source, which is waaaaay less salacious than everyone is making it out to be. Because she is J. Lo, “she’s not sitting around crying over him” now. Duh.
GRADE: F (hot bedroom because house is on fire)
Life & Style
PREGNANT & BETRAYED
Beyoncé and Khloe Kardashian are both potentially PREGNANT & BETRAYED. Jay Z cheats on Beyoncé lots, insists the rumor mill; also, he wants to produce many infants with Bey. She is hesitant. That’s the whole story. Khloe Kardashian is pregnant with French Montana’s baby (which you can tell because she ate Doritos one time) but he loves going to night clubs and sexing lots of ladies. It’s a problem. It must be devastating for her to see her “baby dreams” shattered after like two months of casual dating. RIP, our hopes and dreams. In other Kardashian news, Kim is having second thoughts about dating Kanye because he’s controlling and their honeymoon was boring. Also, he’s spending too much time making their giant mansion perfect. As an insider so deftly put it, her entire life is “yet another nightmare.” Elsewhere in the magazine, all of the Bachelorette contestants would rather hang out in the hot tub and be bros 4 life than woo a woman they just met, which is being presented as abnormal behavior. It’s not. Hot tubs and friendship are two beautiful things. Finally, Tom Cruise is going to be a dad again!!!! Great news!!! Only, he needs to find a woman and convince her to have his child first, which is but a minor setback because he’s totally relaxed his standards. The mother of his child no longer has to be an actress, but he’d prefer if she were a Scientologist. So he should be getting married any day now, right?
GRADE: D- (hot car, no A/C)
In Touch
DEADLY DISEASE
Long story short: Selena Gomez has lupus. Also inside: Rob Kardashian is addicted to pills and sizzurp, and will “juts lie around his place smoking weed, doing drugs and watching movies and eating.” Sounds slightly tempting, to be honest. He’s into Norco, Percoset and Xanax, and, btw, he hates Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Understandable. Next, a headline reads, “French Is Fattening Up Khloé.” The “i” in fattening is an ice cream cone, and the article is about how French Montana “likes big women” and since Khloe has been dating him, “her butt’s been growing at a rapid rate.” Does he keep her in a cage? Does she have to stick a chicken bone through the bars to trick him? Does she have a secret brother named Hansel? Maybe we’ll find out next week. Finally, a 2-page spread of actresses titled “Refusing To Eat” claims that Jamie King, Guiliana Rancic, Nicole Richie, Naya Rivera, Tori Spelling and Bethenny Frankel are all “scary-skinny.” There are quotes from anonymous sources: “she needs professional help” “she looks sick” ” she won’t eat” “it’s her way of having control over something” and then, SIX PAGES LATER, a story called “The Top 25 Celeb Slimdown Tips & Tricks!” Never forget that no matter what, your body is not good enough the way it is.
GRADE: F (hot car on fire)
Star
TWINS!
Although the cover has a golden seal with the words “PALACE CONFIRMS,” the palace has not, in fact, confirmed that Kate Middleton is pregnant with twins. Quotes from insiders like “They are absolutely thrilled” and “Kate is glowing” do not distract us from the fact that according to Star, The Duchess has been pregnant at least five times already. Also inside: Kim Kardashian had a “secret 4 a.m. nose job a few weeks before her wedding, and the proof is that her schnoz looked smaller in a black and white photo posted on Instagram? Jessica Simpson might be knocked up again, but the circle hovering on her midsection contains the words “BABY OR BURGER?” 25-year-old Vampire Diaries Star Nina Dobrev is dating 40-year-old father of 3 James Marsden, and all is going well. Nice. Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston are “duking it out over who will be the first to get married,” but, alas, not in a ring with boxing gloves, so who cares. Ben Affleck has been spotted gambling again: On May 24 he was at the MotorCity Casino Hotel in Detroit at the blackjack table; on May 31, he was seen at Caesars Windsor Hotel and Casino in Ontario. Super sad. A two-page spread called “Celebrity Family Felons” is a quiz in which you have to match the mugshot to the famous relative. For instance: Justin Theroux’s brother was busted for DWI; Woody Harrelson’s father was charged with murder; Mariah Carey’ sister Alison was a prostitute. Fun fun fun. Last, but not least, this ad for a Star “special anniversary issue” called “Who Killed JFK Jr!” is actually the clippity-clop of hooves signaling the arrival of one of the horsemen of the apocalypse. You’ve been warned. (Fig. 1)
GRADE: F (car falling off a cliff and bursting into flames)
Addendum
Behold the aforementioned Fig. 1