Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we interpret messages from the tabloids shilling celebrity scandal by analyzing In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, we get a look at Khloe Kardashian’s real father and what’s allegedly a breast implant scar on Noted Love Unicorn Taylor Swift, while reeling from the realization that Lindsay Lohan is a high-class call girl. Fun for everyone!
Ok!
“Getting Ready For Twins!”
Jennifer Aniston made the grave error of waving her hand in front of her abdomen, which is all she has to do to trigger “pregnancy” rumors. In this cover story, you’ll read phrases like “lonely divorcee pushing 40” and “poster-woman dumpee” as well as “buying lots of baby stuff” and “auditioning nannies.” What you won’t read is an official quote from Jen or Justin confirming that she is gestating. But a source claims to have read Jen’s diary, which details her “diet and health priorities” as well as baby names: “There is, of course, the idea to go with J names but Justin is a little hesitant about that — he’s worried it’s too Kardashian.” It’s not Kardashian, it’s Duggar, duh.
Grade: F (long voicemail)
Life & Style
“Cheating Scandals.”
Bethenny Frankel is in tears as her marriage dissolves right before her eyes like a grain of salt in a Skinny Girl margarita. While the 411 is that things just didn’t work out, there are “cheating fears,” because Bethenny and Jason were never together and women find him attractive and he COULD have strayed. Meanwhile, Lamar Odom sometimes goes out with the guys from the team, and sometimes there are women around, and Khloe Kardashian confronted him, and this is apparently enough to create a “cheating scandal” cover story. Moving on. Pregnant Kim Kardashian is afraid she will never be thin and sexy again, and the mag rubs it in her face by printing a photo of her when she was at her thinnest (Fig. 1). Here’s a profound quote from the most popular celeb of our times: “I’m Googling double chin exercises! I’m petrified I’m going to get one!” Don’t worry, she’s doing Tracy Anderson’s Pregnancy Project to stay svelte. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick broke up, but a source claims “the split isn’t friendly.” And because Jason was the one who helped keep Britney stable — tracking her meds, arranging her schedule, making deals — “friends” fear that Britney will fall to pieces, which sounds sad and makes me want to listen to Patsy Cline. In Jason’s defense, he felt like a babysitter and not a boyfriend and also felt like he was taking care of a child. You guys. She’s so lucky. She’s a star. But she cry cry cries in her lonely heart.
Grade: D- (six missed calls)
In Touch
“I’m Not a Kardashian!”
Well. This one’s been going around for a while, but here it is again: Khloe Kardashian’s real father is Kris Jenner’s former hairdresser, Alex Roldan. Here’s what the mag editors submit as proof: She’s so different from her sisters. She’s so much taller. She’s struggled more with her weight. She had lighter hair as a kid. Her middle name is Alexandra. Dun dun DUN. A plastic surgeon who has never met anyone involved says Khloe adnd Roldan have the same forehead, nose and jawline, but of course, he’s working from pictures in which they are making the same expression. (Fig. 2) Anyway, between this and the fact that Khloe is having fertility issues, she could be headed for a serious depression, says a “concerned friend.” Moving on: Every single magazine this week has the same pictures of Kim and Kanye’s “dream home.” (Fig. 3) But this morning Kim tweeted, “So funny when you see magazines & photos online of this new home that’s supposedly mine but its the wrong house! LOL.” In other news, Britney is “single and on the edge.” Bethenny Frankel “cries daily, barely eats and has insomnia.” Yes, this entire issue is full of Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown™, someone call Amoldovar. Last, but not least: “Did They Get Boob Jobs?” features an arrow pointing to a light mark on the inside curve of Taylor Swift’s breast with a yellow circle reading “Is that a scar?” Important, you guys: Did Taylor Swift get breast implants? (Fig. 4) Checking some other photos from the same event, the verdict is inconclusive. Seems like she coud have redness from a bra or double-sided fashion tape. We’ll have to wait for her next track, “Salty Tears On My Guitar, Saline Implants Near My Heart.”
Grade: C+ (broken SMS message)