This Week In Tabloids: Jessica Simpson Used Double Spanx and Makeup to Look Thinner on TV


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we drink the elixir of gossip from the fountains of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, we’re supposed to believe that J’Anthrax is getting ready to spawn; we get a zillion details about Blake and Ryan’s wedding and their $10K cake; and we learn what Jessica Simpson did to prepare to appear on Katie Couric’s talk show. Hint: Spanx.

“It’s Baby Time!”
Not to be confused with Miller Time, Party Time, or Pacific Time, Baby Time is marked by Justin Theroux asking Jennifer Aniston if he can help her decorate their child-friendly home. “[Justin] shyly asked Jen if he could have a role in helping decorate the nursery — in addition to his role in helping to make the actual baby, of course.” Smooth moves, Justin! The couple have reportedly been decorating and copulating “hard and fast.” Also to come, Jen’s wild bachelorette party to be hosted by fun on a bun, Chelsea Handler. Insiders suspect that a Handler party would involve blow-up dolls, leather chaps and tons of booze. Speaking of chaps: Katy Perry is giving Jen’s ex, John Mayer, a second chance. Katy’s friends hope that their small break will make John “treat her [Katy] better than he did Jennifer Aniston.” But if you’re not into second chances and just want to get your ex out of your endocrine system, try Tom Cruise’s Love Detox. It includes making yourself a sweaty, gassy, whiny mess and ensures that you’ll flush your ex-love, and electrolytes, from your system. It’s a multi-step process that includes Dianetics, the practice of recalling detailed memories from the diseased relationship, sweating it out in a sauna for up to four hours, taking a crap load of supplements and rededicating yourself to everyone that you abandoned during your relationship — cough, like Tom’s eldest children from his previous marriage — cough. Meanwhile, RPatz just can’t seem to get Kristen Stewart out of his system. The two met up recently, armed with lawyers and probably both wearing Rob’s old dirty clothes, only for Rob to all but stick his fingers into his ears and say, “Icanthearyou, Icanthearyou, Icanthearyou” every time Kristen tried to speak to him. Mature guys, mature! Moving right along, Scott Disick has taken a page out of the Kris Jenner Publicity Rehab Hanbook and has opted to atone for his sins of partying with the Pussycat Dolls, drinking heavily and wearing bright gingham-patterned suits by suggesting that he and his already spread thin baby-mama, Kourtney Kardashian, attend couples counseling. Lastly: Teen Mom news. Kailyn Lowry, 19, is now engaged to 19-year-old Jose “Javi” Marroquin. He proposed after a scavenger hunt led her to one of her favorite childhood spots, where he was waiting for her. And Chelsea Houska, who recently celebrated her 21st birthday in Vegas, is happily snuggling with Will Dzombak, Wiz Khalifa’s road manager. Here’s to hoping that Chelsea and Will get hitched, too, and decide to combine their awesome surnames, starting a new trend of celebrities giving their children horrendous last names. Dzouskabak!
Grade: F (water from a lead pipe)

In Touch
“My Life Without Scott”
Lacking any direct quotes or an exclusive interview, the mag tries to lead you to believe that coupled-up Kourtney Kardashian has left her American Psycho boyfriend, Scott Disick, using solemn, solo pictures of the surely sleep deprived mother of two, and a picture of Scott wearing a grey V-neck Tee. No further proof needed, people! These two are obviously depressed and headed towards splitsville! The mag blathers on about how Kourt won’t leave Scott because of the children, but Scott won’t leave Kourt because he’s worth more when he’s with her — and, uh he’s worried about the kids, too! Moving on, Rihanna’s tweets of wisdom are being called into question now that she kissed Chris Brown at the VMAs. Her advice to remain calm, not waste time and avoid doing anything rash has been negated with photogenic evidence of her smoking, flipping the bird and getting under-boob tattoos. Sigh. Are we going to have to stop living by the mantra “What would RiRi do?” In other twitter news, Kim K tweeted a picture of herself in mid makeup application, and another after make up application. She looks pretty much the same, except that it can take up to 90 minutes to put her fucking face on. Moving on to other reality stars: JWoww is engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Roger Matthews, but they are waiting to reveal the news on a special occasion: when Snooki and JWoww needs a ratings boost. And finally, here is a riddle for you: If opinions are like assholes because everybody has one, then how many assholes does Simon Cowell have? In this issue the opinionator gives his two cents on Britney Spears, “When we signed her, people said she would be a car wreck…Wrong! She’s a fascinating girl”; Kim K. “They shouldn’t have denied her a star on the Walk of Fame”; and fellow Brit, Prince Harry: “…if I was his age, I would’ve ended up with a few cute girls in a hotel room with my clothes off, too.” Thanks for sharing, Simon.
Grade: D (water from an algae-infested pond)

Life & Style
“Bill & Giuliana: Meet Our Miracle Baby!”
You are cordially invited to meet the Duke! Little Edward Duke Rancic, or as he is known to us peons, the Duke, was born via surrogate on August 29th. Only a few weeks old, the Duke already does everything better than the average baby: He’s gaining weight at lightening speed, holding his own bottle with his gigantic baby hands and is equipped with a closet full of clothing that’ll make Scott Disick jealous! Meanwhile, Kate Middleton is royally embarrassed by her sister, Big Pimpin’ Pippa. Pippa has been spotted clubbing and juggling up to four different men in four days. Kate is worried that Pippa’s partying will embarrass her as Harry embarrassed William, but Kate needn’t worry, as Harry set the freckled bar so high that Pippa is in no danger of topping it. Moving on to truly breaking news: Kristen Stewart wore a dress, put on lipstick, and hold the fucking-press, SMILED! Apparently putting on bright colors and baring her teeth is in a effort to win RPatz back. Good luck with that! In other news, Lady Gaga has gained weight but has not crossed over into “mufflin-top territory,” which we all know is lined with cakes, cookies and delicious margaritas, and leads you to the dreaded fat-shaming forest of Spanx and heavy-handed Photoshopping. Check out how Vogue chopped and screwed Gaga’s body for their September 2012 issue. (Fig. 1) And finally, the mag points out that soon after his divorce from ScarJo, Ryan Reynolds said, “I don’t think I want to get married again.” Blake Lively, would you care to respond?
Grade: D (water from an ancient cistern)

“Dangerous Body Obsessions.”
Question: Do you find interesting that this magazine, which has consistently bodysnarked celebrites for years, is now faux-concerned that some women are obsessively exercising and wearing multiple pairs of Spanx? Because we find it fucking ridiculous and and straight up evil. Anyway, here’s the deal: Jessica Simpson might be slimmed down, but she is also “Spanxed up” and had “a lot of makeup contouring” to make herself look skinny on Katie Couric’s show. Plus her hair was long and layered, “to make her cheeks look less chubby.” Because it’s not enough for her to talk about her struggle and be on Weight Watchers — we need yellow arrows pointing to all of her flaws. (Fig. 2) Meanwhile, Jennifer Connelly is “running herself into the ground.” LeAnn Rimes has an eating disorder and “that’s the real reason” she’s in a clinic. She goes to restaurants and eats nothing but steamed peas, and a waitress says this one time after dinner “I heard her throw up. She came out and cried, explaining she had to do it — other wise she couldn’t eat dessert with Eddie and still stay skinny.” OMFG YOU ASSHOLES, maybe it’s time to stop pointing out cellulite and deciding which bodies are the worst? Ugh. Moving on. Katie Holmes is hanging out all over NYC with friends while “Tom looks terrible.” Amazeballs Headline Of The Day: “Jodie Foster Is A Bad Judge Of Character.” (Fig 3). Elisabeth Moss chopped her hair off and dyed it blonde and Mad Men‘s Matthew Weiner is “ticked off.” She’s been arguing that it fits with the 60s/Twiggy thing but he thinks it’s not Peggy Olsen. Whoops! Kim Kardashian is “addicted to fake lashes.” Reese Witherspoon’s unborn spawn will be a boy. Politics brought Scarlett Johansson and Jared Leto back together; they were holding hands during the DNC. And finally, Brad Pitt had a meeting about a script at a hotel bar, and drank a couple of beers while talking to the screenwriter, so of course the headline is “BRAD’S BOOZY ESCAPE.” God forbid a father of six have a brewski.
Grade: C- (water from a rain gutter)

“Surprise Wedding!”
While there are zero, repeat, ZERO photographs from Blake and Ryan’s wedding in this issue, you will find plenty of details: The location was Boone Hall Plantation in South Carolina, one of the oldest working plantations aka Allie’s summer house in The Notebook. Blake and her sisters/bridesmaids Robyn and Lori all wore Marchesa. Christian Louboutin and Florence Welch were in attendance. Blake and Ryan invited a bunch of people but didn’t tell anyone they were getting married — they never even announced an engagement — and the street was “closed for a private event,” keeping looky-loos away. The bride walked down an aisle strewn with pine needles (achoo!) while a children’s choir sang “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.” Then there was a carnival-themed cocktail hour followed by southern diner (herb-roasted fish served on mismatched white vintage china). Florence Welch sang three songs and then the $10,000 cake — perched on a wine-barrel table — was cut. It was perfect and sweet and classy, okay? Don’t fret: The whole thing was photographed for the December issue of Martha Stewart Weddings. Also inside: Will Arnett and Amy Poehler will “navigate coparenting” while both working at the same NBC lot, sadface. “Hooking Up With The Help” is a box about sexing service personnel, but is missing approximately one zillion celebrities who have slept with waitstaff, bartenders and massage therapists. (Fig. 4) Sammi and Raaaaaahn have moved into a condo in NYC together. Dianna Agron is sick of Glee and going to France for three months to film a movie with Robert De Niro. Britney Spears’s rider insists that all minibars are emptied of alcohol before she arrives and no one give her wine or any other booze. Katie Holmes is FREE AT LAST and loving it. And finally, a “friend” of Robert Pattinson’s who excels in stating the obvious says that when it comes to KStew: “I think he’s done with her now.” ORLY?
Grade: B (well water)


Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from Star

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4, from Us

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