This Week In Tabloids: Jessica Simpson Used Double Spanx and Makeup to Look Thinner on TV
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we drink the elixir of gossip from the fountains of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, we’re supposed to believe that J’Anthrax is getting ready to spawn; we get a zillion details about Blake and Ryan’s wedding and their $10K cake; and we learn what Jessica Simpson did to prepare to appear on Katie Couric’s talk show. Hint: Spanx.
Ok!
“It’s Baby Time!”
Not to be confused with Miller Time, Party Time, or Pacific Time, Baby Time is marked by Justin Theroux asking Jennifer Aniston if he can help her decorate their child-friendly home. “[Justin] shyly asked Jen if he could have a role in helping decorate the nursery — in addition to his role in helping to make the actual baby, of course.” Smooth moves, Justin! The couple have reportedly been decorating and copulating “hard and fast.” Also to come, Jen’s wild bachelorette party to be hosted by fun on a bun, Chelsea Handler. Insiders suspect that a Handler party would involve blow-up dolls, leather chaps and tons of booze. Speaking of chaps: Katy Perry is giving Jen’s ex, John Mayer, a second chance. Katy’s friends hope that their small break will make John “treat her [Katy] better than he did Jennifer Aniston.” But if you’re not into second chances and just want to get your ex out of your endocrine system, try Tom Cruise’s Love Detox. It includes making yourself a sweaty, gassy, whiny mess and ensures that you’ll flush your ex-love, and electrolytes, from your system. It’s a multi-step process that includes Dianetics, the practice of recalling detailed memories from the diseased relationship, sweating it out in a sauna for up to four hours, taking a crap load of supplements and rededicating yourself to everyone that you abandoned during your relationship — cough, like Tom’s eldest children from his previous marriage — cough. Meanwhile, RPatz just can’t seem to get Kristen Stewart out of his system. The two met up recently, armed with lawyers and probably both wearing Rob’s old dirty clothes, only for Rob to all but stick his fingers into his ears and say, “Icanthearyou, Icanthearyou, Icanthearyou” every time Kristen tried to speak to him. Mature guys, mature! Moving right along, Scott Disick has taken a page out of the Kris Jenner Publicity Rehab Hanbook and has opted to atone for his sins of partying with the Pussycat Dolls, drinking heavily and wearing bright gingham-patterned suits by suggesting that he and his already spread thin baby-mama, Kourtney Kardashian, attend couples counseling. Lastly: Teen Mom news. Kailyn Lowry, 19, is now engaged to 19-year-old Jose “Javi” Marroquin. He proposed after a scavenger hunt led her to one of her favorite childhood spots, where he was waiting for her. And Chelsea Houska, who recently celebrated her 21st birthday in Vegas, is happily snuggling with Will Dzombak, Wiz Khalifa’s road manager. Here’s to hoping that Chelsea and Will get hitched, too, and decide to combine their awesome surnames, starting a new trend of celebrities giving their children horrendous last names. Dzouskabak!
Grade: F (water from a lead pipe)
In Touch
“My Life Without Scott”
Lacking any direct quotes or an exclusive interview, the mag tries to lead you to believe that coupled-up Kourtney Kardashian has left her American Psycho boyfriend, Scott Disick, using solemn, solo pictures of the surely sleep deprived mother of two, and a picture of Scott wearing a grey V-neck Tee. No further proof needed, people! These two are obviously depressed and headed towards splitsville! The mag blathers on about how Kourt won’t leave Scott because of the children, but Scott won’t leave Kourt because he’s worth more when he’s with her — and, uh he’s worried about the kids, too! Moving on, Rihanna’s tweets of wisdom are being called into question now that she kissed Chris Brown at the VMAs. Her advice to remain calm, not waste time and avoid doing anything rash has been negated with photogenic evidence of her smoking, flipping the bird and getting under-boob tattoos. Sigh. Are we going to have to stop living by the mantra “What would RiRi do?” In other twitter news, Kim K tweeted a picture of herself in mid makeup application, and another after make up application. She looks pretty much the same, except that it can take up to 90 minutes to put her fucking face on. Moving on to other reality stars: JWoww is engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Roger Matthews, but they are waiting to reveal the news on a special occasion: when Snooki and JWoww needs a ratings boost. And finally, here is a riddle for you: If opinions are like assholes because everybody has one, then how many assholes does Simon Cowell have? In this issue the opinionator gives his two cents on Britney Spears, “When we signed her, people said she would be a car wreck…Wrong! She’s a fascinating girl”; Kim K. “They shouldn’t have denied her a star on the Walk of Fame”; and fellow Brit, Prince Harry: “…if I was his age, I would’ve ended up with a few cute girls in a hotel room with my clothes off, too.” Thanks for sharing, Simon.
Grade: D (water from an algae-infested pond)