This Week in Tabloids: Justin and Selena Are Totally Getting Married
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we brave the wilds in order to obtain copies of Ok!, Star, Life & Style, inTouch and Us. This week, editors must be gnashing their teeth in fury because Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin consciously uncoupled one day after all the issues went to print, meaning that everyone ran extremely boring shit that no one cares about. For instance: Jennifer Aniston got a facial and everyone freaked the eff out; Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus had a passive-aggressive Twitter brawl nearly a century ago; and Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez will totally get married soon — just you wait and see. Join us as we merrily pick through the scraps.
Ok!
WEDDING & A BABY
Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas are probably going to get engaged sometime in the foreseeable future, and then there will for sure be a baby. Wedding and a baby, indeed. Anyway, the only thing notable in this story is a rumor that Prince Harry is learning how to cook and is “really proud of his pasta dishes and homemade curries.” Also that Queen Elizabeth wishes “Cressida would tidy her hair a bit, but that’s a generation thing.” Truly illuminating. In other news, Kris Jenner is trying to force Khloe Kardashian to reconcile with her estranged husband Lamar for ratings. Kim wants to leave the show, as does Bruce Jenner, so they are strapped for plot lines. In addition, the magazine FALSELY alleges that “Kourtney and her man Scott Disick have become ‘a very boring couple who aren’t enticing to viewers.'” Not true. I could watch Scott Disick talk about expensive sweaters in his squeaky voice for the rest of my life and never tire of it. Moving on: Leonardo DiCaprio had a checkers competition at a club (okay, Grandpa) and said whomever beat him could party at his house; Lindsay Lohan lost but showed up at the party anyway. She was kicked out for complaining too much. Hollywood sounds so fun! Elsewhere in the magazine, Jennifer Aniston has a “vanity obsession” (is that a phrase we use?) and “hates aging,” probably because fucking tabloids annotate her face all the time and make up stories about how she desperately wants plastic surgery (Fig. 1). This is such garbage. Petition to bring back the story about Jennifer Aniston feeding anti-aging water to her dogs. Finally, George Clooney is dating a very successful and remarkably smart lawyer, Amal Alamuddin. She is fluent in three languages and represents Julian Assange and used to advise Kofi Annan, so Ok! helpfully points out that she is “a sneaky lawyer who knows how to get anything she wants.” Is she using George Clooney to get publicity and clients???? ponders Ok! Um, obviously not. Sweet Jesus, you people, what is wrong with you.
GRADE: F- (two raccoons fighting over a sodden Hot Pocket)
In Touch
WE’RE PREGNANT!
“J.P.” and “Ashley” from the Bachelorette are expecting a child and oh my god I’m so bored; sorry, I could not care less. Next: Kim Kardashian has turned into a “plastic surgery junkie” in anticipation of her wedding. “She’s obsessed with her face and loves looking like she’s permanently airbrushed,” says an insider. Uh, ok, whatever. Yawn. In other news, Andi from the Bachelor has remained best friends with “winner” Nikki, which is causing problems because Andi is cognizant of the fact that Bachelor Juan Pablo sucks, big time. Andi is waiting for Nikki to realize as well so they can laugh at him together, which will be a fun BFF bonding activity. Elsewhere in the magazine, Jennifer Aniston is obsessed with beauty procedures because one time she got a facial and also she pays a lot for her haircuts LIKE ALL FAMOUS PEOPLE DO. Sorry that multi-millionaire Jennifer Aniston doesn’t drunkenly cut her bangs with kitchen scissors like the rest of us and wash her face with bathroom soap at Quiznos. Next: Selena Gomez is drinking alcohol, prompting yet another concern-trolly article. Here are some of the warning signs listed: she was drunk at a bar; she went to Starbucks with her ex-boyfriend; her lips were stained with red wine at another bar. The header of this story says “Crisis News.” Oh, ok. Sure.
GRADE: F (the Rat King wearing a lightly-used Chipotle wrapper as a cape)