This Week in Tabloids: Justin and Selena Are Totally Getting Married

By Callie Beusman | March 26, 2014 | 7:20pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we brave the wilds in order to obtain copies of Ok!, Star, Life & Style, inTouch and Us. This week, editors must be gnashing their teeth in fury because Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin consciously uncoupled one day after all the issues went to print, meaning that everyone ran extremely boring shit that no one cares about. For instance: Jennifer Aniston got a facial and everyone freaked the eff out; Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus had a passive-aggressive Twitter brawl nearly a century ago; and Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez will totally get married soon — just you wait and see. Join us as we merrily pick through the scraps.

Ok!
WEDDING & A BABY

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Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas are probably going to get engaged sometime in the foreseeable future, and then there will for sure be a baby. Wedding and a baby, indeed. Anyway, the only thing notable in this story is a rumor that Prince Harry is learning how to cook and is “really proud of his pasta dishes and homemade curries.” Also that Queen Elizabeth wishes “Cressida would tidy her hair a bit, but that’s a generation thing.” Truly illuminating. In other news, Kris Jenner is trying to force Khloe Kardashian to reconcile with her estranged husband Lamar for ratings. Kim wants to leave the show, as does Bruce Jenner, so they are strapped for plot lines. In addition, the magazine FALSELY alleges that “Kourtney and her man Scott Disick have become ‘a very boring couple who aren’t enticing to viewers.'” Not true. I could watch Scott Disick talk about expensive sweaters in his squeaky voice for the rest of my life and never tire of it. Moving on: Leonardo DiCaprio had a checkers competition at a club (okay, Grandpa) and said whomever beat him could party at his house; Lindsay Lohan lost but showed up at the party anyway. She was kicked out for complaining too much. Hollywood sounds so fun! Elsewhere in the magazine, Jennifer Aniston has a “vanity obsession” (is that a phrase we use?) and “hates aging,” probably because fucking tabloids annotate her face all the time and make up stories about how she desperately wants plastic surgery (Fig. 1). This is such garbage. Petition to bring back the story about Jennifer Aniston feeding anti-aging water to her dogs. Finally, George Clooney is dating a very successful and remarkably smart lawyer, Amal Alamuddin. She is fluent in three languages and represents Julian Assange and used to advise Kofi Annan, so Ok! helpfully points out that she is “a sneaky lawyer who knows how to get anything she wants.” Is she using George Clooney to get publicity and clients???? ponders Ok! Um, obviously not. Sweet Jesus, you people, what is wrong with you.

GRADE: F- (two raccoons fighting over a sodden Hot Pocket)

In Touch
WE’RE PREGNANT!

“J.P.” and “Ashley” from the Bachelorette are expecting a child and oh my god I’m so bored; sorry, I could not care less. Next: Kim Kardashian has turned into a “plastic surgery junkie” in anticipation of her wedding. “She’s obsessed with her face and loves looking like she’s permanently airbrushed,” says an insider. Uh, ok, whatever. Yawn. In other news, Andi from the Bachelor has remained best friends with “winner” Nikki, which is causing problems because Andi is cognizant of the fact that Bachelor Juan Pablo sucks, big time. Andi is waiting for Nikki to realize as well so they can laugh at him together, which will be a fun BFF bonding activity. Elsewhere in the magazine, Jennifer Aniston is obsessed with beauty procedures because one time she got a facial and also she pays a lot for her haircuts LIKE ALL FAMOUS PEOPLE DO. Sorry that multi-millionaire Jennifer Aniston doesn’t drunkenly cut her bangs with kitchen scissors like the rest of us and wash her face with bathroom soap at Quiznos. Next: Selena Gomez is drinking alcohol, prompting yet another concern-trolly article. Here are some of the warning signs listed: she was drunk at a bar; she went to Starbucks with her ex-boyfriend; her lips were stained with red wine at another bar. The header of this story says “Crisis News.” Oh, ok. Sure.

GRADE: F (the Rat King wearing a lightly-used Chipotle wrapper as a cape)

Life & Style

I’M HAVING A BABY!

Ugh, this is so boring: Bachelor Juan Pablo and “winner” Nikki have vaguely discussed having kids one day, but he doesn’t actually mean it because he is the worst (and they’ve known each other for like 45 seconds). If you’re going to making wild implications about a non-existent pregnancy, at least imply wildly about one that people care about. In other news, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are getting married! By this, Life & Style means that a “source” says it “wouldn’t surprise anyone” if the two got married in secret. Wow, they have practically mailed out invitations already. Anyway, they’ve helpfully printed a graphic entitled “THE PERKS OF BEING MRS. BIEBER” (Fig. 2), which doesn’t mention the drawback of having to be joined in matrimony to the world’s premiere little shit. Moving on: Kim and Khloe Kardashian are still locked in a death match over which one wins the honorary title of Hottest Kardashian. Ok, that’s fine, whatever, but I think everyone should keep their eye on Kourtney’s cat because it’s definitely the dark horse in this race. Elsewhere in the world of celebrity, Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato had a Twitter spat literally three weeks ago. On March 6, Demi tweeted that some words ought to disappear from our cultural lexicon, one of which was “twerk.” Miley Cyrus, International Arbiter of Twerk, promptly unfollowed her for the insult. Then Demi tweeted, “Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!!! #toobusykillingit.” Can’t wait til someone makes a miniseries out of his epic blood feud.

GRADE: F (one of those stick-things from True Detective but made of gnawed-up chicken wings attached to each other with human hair)

Us
BACK OFF MOM!

“Moooooom, get out of my room!!!!!” says Kim Kardashian, who does not want to let Kris Jenner plan her wedding. Kris, the apricot-skinned matriarch of the Kardashian Klan with eyelashes that flutter like hummingbirds, is miffed. It is thus chilly in the Jenner household, but everyone will be ok. Kim has extended an olive branch: she’s letting her mom pick out her veil. Hoorah. Moving on: there is a “baby boom” in Hollywood because Mila Kunis, Alyssa Milano and Stacy Keibler are all pregnant. Ugh, hope those three individual babies don’t cause Social Security to crash when they reach retirement age. In other news, Jessica Simpson lost weight again, which means that we have about 6 months until the tabloids are fat-shaming her once more, and in a year’s time they’ll be lauding her “weight loss journey.” And thus goes the circle of life. Absolutely nothing else of note occurred in the pages of this publication. Kate Middleton and Prince William missed Prince George’s first crawl, whatever that means. I want to curl up and let the goddess of sleep cradle me in her bony arms for, like, at least three weeks.

GRADE: F (a dirty Croc filled with trash juice)

Star
BROKE & ALONE

LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are running out of money and patience with each other, or something. Blah blah, whatever. In other news, Star is alleging that Shailene Woodley — a person who literally eats dirt — is “a diva already.” She apparently didn’t mingle with fans at a premiere event, unlike Theo James, who was very polite while he was “mobbed.” NOT GOING INTO A CROWD OF TEENS WHO WANT TO FONDLE HER, WHAT A FUCKIN’ DIVA. In related “diva” news, Kim Kardashian was reportedly very demanding on set at her Vogue shoot and would not let anyone brandish a cell phone near her. But I feel like everyone who worked at that shoot had to take an Unbreakable Vow swearing not to discuss it anyway, so is it really that big of a deal? Moving on: Star has published the third article this week about Jennifer Aniston’s “blotchy” post-facial face. Guys: everyone looks blotchy after a facial. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Jennifer Aniston’s skin is not peeling off of her face due to the slow erosion of time; she is only 45 years old. And, finally, it’s rumored that Kris Jenner has a secret sex tape. 🙁 If the rumors are true, she will probably make millions off of it, so I guess every cloud has a silver lining? Not sure what the silver lining is for the rest of us, though.

GRADE: F (a discarded issue of Star)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Life & Style