This Week in Tabloids: Khloe Kardashian Commits Adultery by Hugging a Rapper


Welcome back to Midweek Madness. This week, unfortunately, five out of five tabloid covers feature a Kardashian. Join us as we open the dark closets of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star to see what lurks within.

“Diets That Work.”
Are you ready for some mindblowing info? Here are words and phrases in the cover story: “Eating organically.” “Superlow-carb, high protein.” “Chicken, fish, and lean red meat.” “Smoothies.” “Eat less, but often.” “Cobb salads, but with fat-free turkey bacon.” “Frozen Greek yogurt.” “Low-fat cheese.” “Eat six times a day.” “High protein.” “Focusing on fiber.” “High-fiber cereal in almond milk.” “Chicken and a plain salad.” “Low-fat cheese omelet.” “Protein shakes, quinoa and steamed veggies.” “Militant about exercise.” “Really spicy foods.” “Coffee, then treadmill.” Got it? (Also, hungry?)
Grade: F (closet full of rotting plates of pasta)

Life & Style
“Khloé Caught With Another Man.”
Khloe Kardashian hugged the rapper The Game, and this magazine made an entire cover story out of it. The flowery copy tells us she “leaped into the arms of a tall, dashing man” and “pulled the guy in for a close embrace.” Dashing? The man who had a butterfly tattoo on his face and then covered it up with L.A. and a red star? Okay. Sure. Anyway, Khloe has lost some weight, which the mag calls a “sexy makeover,” and she is using The Game to show her husband Lamar what he’s missing, and that she is sexy and desirable. Yawn. Moving on! Kim Kardashian hates being pregnant. Recently she was seen shopping — one of her fave pasttimes — and wasn’t in a good mood! “She said her feet hurt,” a source spills. Also, she “misses her old body.” Next: Nicki Minaj is “the biggest diva on TV,” and often has difficulty getting to the American Idol set on time. “She was probably late because she couldn’t figure out what to wear,” a “colleague” says. In her defense, if she showed up without wig/makeup/awesome outfit, people would lose their minds. All Randy and Keith have to do is put on a t-shirt and a leather jacket. Lastly, in Ryan Seacrest news, Julianne Hough broke up with him because he wouldn’t put a ring on it. “She expected a ring for New Year’s and didn’t get it. She expected a ring for Valentine’s Day and didn’t get it. So they started to fight,” according to an insider. The rest of the story is about how she’s stunning and fun to be around. Pretty sure she’ll be fine.
Grade: D- (closet full of foul-smelling sneakers)

In Touch
“I Can’t Stop Eating!”
It should be noted — and do we even really have to point this out? — that this cover line is not a direct quote from Kim Kardashian. Also, I want to hack this cover so that the line reads: I CAN’T TOP EATING! The story inside is the usual fat-shamey garbage: It’s a “pregnancy nightmare”; she is “blowing up to 200 lbs.” Apparently the 3 sisters were doing a promo photo shoot when Kim burst into tears, complaining that nothing looked good on her and that her face, arms and legs looked fat and she hated her body. “She said her butt was huge and that it looked gross,” an insider says. The mag adds to the drama, accusing her of “literally busting out of her clothes” and printing sidebars like “From Portion Control to Pigging Out” (Fig. 1). People! She is gestating a human being. Unless you are her doctor, her portion size is none of your beeswax. In another awful sidebar, the mag compares five-foot-two Kim to five-foot-ten Kate Middleton, with the headline “KATE IS HALF KIM’S SIZE!” (Fig. 2) So many factors at work — metabolism, genetics, height, weight, body type, etc. It’s like apples and oranges. Or asparagus and cucumber. Or a greyhound and a pekingnese. Whatever. Gah. Moving on. Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough broke up because he didn’t ask her to marry him and is consumed with work. Caroline Manzo says her husband might have cheated 25 years ago but so what. Sean The Bachelor and his fiancée Catherine are living in separate apartments across the pool from each other in the same LA complex. And finally: Kate Middleton, aka Duchess Shinylocks, has roots. ALERT THE AUTHORITIES. (Fig.3)
Grade: D (closet full of clothes three sizes too small)

“Cheating On Lamar!”
Khloe has been spending a lot of time with The Game. “it started innocently enough” when she and her brother Rob joined The Game in a 60 Days of Fitness exercise plan. But now? “They talk all the time. She even texts him while Lamar sleeps in their bed right next to her,” a “source” — maybe a throw pillow? — says. Apparently The Game tells Khloe she can do better than Lamar and should be treated like a queen and that she has a nice ass. And this is what we’re supposed to believe is cheating. Next! Even though she’s pregnant, Kim won’t give up her injectables: “She’s terrified of not being pretty — it is literally her worst nightmare,” a “tipster” says. Anne Hathaway is really sad everyone hates her, has been crying about it and is considering quitting the biz: “She keeps asking her husband, ‘Why?'” Angelina Jolie was seen in an Urban Outfitters in LA “forcing” her kids to speak French: “If they asked a question in English, she would just turn her back and walk away,” a witness claims. “Only when they spoke in French would she respond.” Are we supposed to consider this child abuse or a fate worse than death? Cuz it seems like a good way to get kids to be fluent. In Timberlake news, Jessica Biel is “burning through” Justin’s cash — spending $20,000 a week on shoes and bags at Bergdorf. Ashton Kutcher has basically given up Kabbalah. He used to go to services with Demi, but Mila Kunis thinks it’s weird, so he’s been studying the Ukraine, where she’s from, instead. And finally: More Blake Shelton cheating accusations. An unnamed woman says: “He told me I reminded him of [his wife Miranda Lambert]. We had drinks together and then went back to his bed on the bus. We had sex all night. I’d like to say it was great, but we were both pretty drunk. I told him I couldn’t believe he was doing this to Miranda, and he said, ‘You’re doing it too!'” Gross.
Grade: D+ (closet full of Kabbalah books)

“Don’t Call Me Fat!”
OMG this again. Kim Kardashian’s body is changing, guys, and she is not happy. But, in a twist, Us calls out Star and In Touch for bashing Kim’s weight gain and insists: “The vitriol is taking an emotional toll.” This article points out mean tabloid covers, comments on Perez Hilton and the infamous killer whale photo juxtaposition, and quotes Donald Trump, who said of Kim: “Does she have a good body? No? Does she have a fat ass? Absolutely.” The mag talks to Kim’s trainer, Tracy Anderson, who says: “She’s doing great. She’s not saying, ‘I’m gross,’ or fat. She’s having te same reaction as any women: ‘Really? I’m expanding this much?'” Pretty smart to do a sympathetic story, since the mag’s target readers are women and approximately 100% of pregnant women gain weight. Anyway, apparently Kanye has no problem with Kim’s figure, thinks she is gorgeous, and wants her to be happy. Moving on. Alexis Bledel and Vincent Kartheiser — aka Pete Campbell from Mad Men — are engaged. Her ring is “huge.” Adele is planing her wedding, which should take place in the summer or early fall; she’s in the market for a “very feminine” dress, probably by Jenny Packham. Next there’s an exclusive interview and photoshoot with Leah from Teen Mom 2 and her new baby, whose name is Addalynn (her other daughters are Aleeah and Aliannah, spot the trend?). Last, but not least, Jennifer Garner talks about her beauty regimen: Sunscreen, moisturizer and eye cream, except when she’s going to an event. And she slathers her kids in sunscreen, too: “I make it non-negotiable, like buckling them into a car seat.” Haha, those kids will thank her someday.
Grade: C+ (closet full of sunscreen)


Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

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