This Week in Tabloids: Kim Doesn't Want Bruce in Wedding If He's Trans

By Dodai Stewart | January 29, 2014 | 9:30pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman and I ride the valiant tabloid steeds into the sunset of Gossiptown. This week’s lies: Lindsay Lohan is drinking wine for breakfast and blowing rails of coke for lunch; Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke are not speaking to each other; and Kim Kardashian feels that Bruce Jenner is upstaging her wedding with his gender identity issues. Fucking hell, man. Away we go.

Ok!

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“BABY JOY!”

This cover story is a lesson in the grammatical mood known as the subjunctive. Word is that Mila Kunis “could” be pregnant. She and Ashton Kutcher “are set to be parents.” Recently, the two went to a nail salon and Ashton opened the door for Mila, “prepared a seat for her and even helped her sit down,” and him doing so “was weird,” according to the mag, offering the incident as proof that she’s carrying a fetus. Also, while she was getting a pedicure, Ashton showed Mila a picture of a baby in a magazine and said he wanted to dress their baby in that style. “Mila giggled as she cradled her stomach,” says an insider. BAM. Pregnant. What else is inside besides that rickety story? Kris Jenner is trying to hook Khloe up with an online dating site “to turn the divorce into a cash cow.” Lindsay Lohan is drinking wine for breakfast these days. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are in a “wedding war,” which is not fought by brave soldiers in floofy white gowns but has to do with the fact that they’re both engaged at the same time and “Jessica told Ashlee not to rain on her wedding parade and Ashlee told her where to go.” In tragic news, Wilmer Valder-drama and Demi Lovato are back on. And finally, the most fun piece in this issue is “Kim & Kanye’s $150M Prenup Fight!” in which the copy alleges that the couple are arguing not about money but about certain behaviors, and they have a list of clauses detailing how they want each other to behave. Kanye wants Kim to pay him $500 each time she embarrasses him in public; Kim wants Kanye to pay her $500 every time he loses his temper. Kim has to pay a $20k fine if she has contact with an ex, and Kanye has to give her $10M if they break up because he cheats. There’s no evidence any of it is true, but it sure does sound like a fun high-stakes game of relationship bingo! (Fig. 1)

Grade: F (eating a live horse)

Star

“DUMPED”

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are breaking up. Again. According to a source, Jen broke down at the spa and told her aesthetician that she and Justin have been fighting a lot and that he refuses to set a wedding date. They’re sleeping in separate beds. She nags him. Jennifer Aniston just can’t figure out what’s wrong with her. Will the world ever tire of this ancient fable? It seems that it shan’t. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan is wantonly doing lines of coke in the apartment Oprah got her. A source says that she brags about being on Oprah’s Next Chapter and believes that Oprah is “so 2009,” which could not be further from the truth. In other news, Kim Kardashian is furious about Bruce Jenner wanting to transition into a woman because she thinks it will take the attention away from her on her wedding day. Kim is reportedly not upset about the upcoming surgery, but rather about its timing. Also, she would like Bruce (who, by the way, has never come out as trans) to remain a man so he can walk her down the aisle. Some blame is thrown Kanye’s way, as well, with a “source” claiming: “He told Kim that if Bruce is not a guy on the day they tie the knot, he doesn’t want him to be part of the ceremony.” The magazine helpfully points out that Bruce has had his eyebrows and nails done and that he wears diamond earrings as evidence of “an ongoing transformation” (Fig. 2).

Grade: F (beating a dead horse)

Life & Style

“WOMEN FROM HELL”

Some of the female contestants on the Bachelor are not actually hoping to find true and everlasting love, making them WOMEN FROM HELL. Juan Pablo, who is definitely there for the “right reasons,” might end up heartbroken, faced as he is with “the worst, most conniving collection of women in Bachelor history.” In short, this is a fun and not sexist news story. Moving on: Justin Bieber is spiraling downhill, and the mag solicited the opinion of a psychologist who reasonably predicts that the young man might die if he doesn’t get help. His friends reportedly staged an interview for him in Panama, which he did not heed. In other news, Kanye West has ordered too much construction on his and Kim Kardashian’s new mansion, and it is ruining Kim’s life. She is sick of waiting for the movie theater, bowling alley and basketball court to be finished, but she perseveres because she has the patience of a saint. Next: Wendy Williams’ son “doesn’t like her,” which literally just means that he’s a 13-year-old and he’s moody. He will like her again in ~4 years. And so the circle of life continues.

Grade: D- (being trampled by a herd of horses)

In Touch

TWO BABIES ON THE WAY!

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott “American Psycho” Disick are having another baby in order to save their relationship. Or, more accurately, they are maybe talking about trying to have another baby because Scott goes to too many night clubs, or something. Kourtney must continue birthing infants to appease Party God Disick. The second pending baby belongs to Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, who are “exploring a surrogate option.” Contrary to other reports, InTouch maintains that they are very happy and looking towards the future together. Such intrigue. In other news, Beyoncé posted a photo of herself and Aaliyah on Instagram BUT CROPPED OUT KELLY. This action has earned the title “Snub of the Week” (Fig. 3). Elsewhere in the mag, Kim Kardashian “will never learn” to stop having very extravagant multi-million dollar weddings. The copy offers no proof or reasons but speculates that her and Kanye’s nuptials will costs $30 million. In this elaborate fantasy, she will wear an exact replica of Kate Middleton’s wedding tiara. Finally: Miley Cyrus got a lapdance from a topless woman in a bear mask and seemed generally enthused about it, as is her wont. Miley Cyrus is such a big fan of antics.

Grade: D (kicked in the gut by a horse)

“Wedding Night Secrets”

A lot of details about the ceremony (he wrote his vows while watching her sleep), the reception (they danced to “Crazy in Love”) and who got drunk (Molly Mesnick). The only “secret” here is that the “Do Not Disturb” sign stayed on the newlyweds hotel suite door until the next afternoon. Scintillating. Just FYI, the icktastic coverline “they finally did it!” is what you get when you make public declarations about your psuedo-virginity. Also inside: Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus were both at the Clive Davis pre-Grammy party but did not speak to each other — he’s still mad about her hijacking the VMAs performance. Taylor Swift’s been playing matchmaker and set Selena Gomez up with Austin Mahone, and they’re actually into each other. (She’s 21; he’s 17.) Finally, the Justin Bieber story is a rehash of his recent antics, and claims that Usher has been giving him a stern-talking to. There’s also a helpful sidebar in case you get all of Beeb’s delightfully-nicknamed associates mixed up; it is, in a stroke of evil genius, titled “HIS ‘LIL’ PEOPLE.” (Fig. 4)

Grade: D (hit in the head with a horseshoe)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Star

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Us