This Week in Tabloids: Kristen Stewart Got New Boobs, Say Two Out of Two Plastic Surgeons
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, your one-stop shop for delicious, farm-fresh gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Justin Bieber loves saying the word “fuck”; Brad Pitt’s mom wants Angelina to be a Good Christian; Katie Holmes and Chris Klein party like it’s 2000.
Ok!
“Intimate Tell-All!”
In which “tell-all” means “answered questions” and “intimate” means “at Comic-Con.” Yawn. Also inside: A Teen Mom story called “Amber Loves Jail!” Predictions about who the Next Mrs. Cruise will be (Olga Kurylenko, Zoe Bell and fellow Scientologist Erika Chrstensen are on the list). An “insider” offers up a report about Lindsay Lohan’s behavior on the set of Liz & Dick: “One day she was three hours late, then came in with her manicurist and made us all wait while she had her nails done.” In Kimye news, Kanye refuses to watch Kim’s sex tape and tells his friends the subject is completely off-limits. And last, but not least, Baby Penelope has brought Scott “American Psycho” Disick and Kourtney Kardashian closer; a source reveals: “They’re back to sleeping in the same bed.” Bored now.
Grade: F (old coffee grounds)
Life & Style
“Raising Two Kids Alone.”
Don’t you just love it when the tabs disagree? The story here is about how Kourtney Kardashian is “planning for a future” without Scott “American Psycho” Disick, because he doesn’t share her love for being a parent, goes out clubbing, downs shots, makes lewd comments, is totally out of control and a “loose cannon.” Kourt got what she wanted — two kids — and now it’s “game over” for Scott. Cue the Pac-Man dying sound effect. Also inside: Demi Moore is freaking out because she thinks Mila Kunis might have Ashton Kutcher’s baby. Demi tried very hard to create a fetus with Ass-ton, but it didn’t work out, and if Mila has one, “that would shatter Demi into a million pieces.” Demi, as you know, is made of a thin, fragile glass. “From Ex to Fiancée in Eight Weeks” is the story of Nick Loeb, who just proposed to Sofia Vergara, after she broke up with him in May. Apparently he’s kind of a schmuck — prone to “rampant flirting and partying” ad using her for publicity — but she’s in love. Good luck, kids! Next up, Suri went out to lunch with her mom, Katie Holmes, and Katie’s designing partner Jeanne Yang, and when Yang paid the bill, Suri burst into tears. Only Xenu knows why. Anne Hathaway got into her Catwoman catsuit by training for the fight scenes, and the mag calls her “before” body “softer and fuller” while the catsuit body is the “Best. Body. Ever.” EVAR. Since the first cro-mag gal crawled out of her cave and fashioned a bikini out of vines and sloth skins. (See Fig. 1) Last, but not least, in regards to the emerald ring Angelina designed, only one word: Want. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (onion skin)
In Touch
“Secret Plans For Suri.”
Tom Cruise sits in a gleaming Scientology tower, stroking a Persian cat, “desperate to get Suri back.” What dastardly deeds does the Operating Thetan have up his sleeve? First, Tom plans to “lull Katie into a false sense of security,” making her think everything is cool and he’s not gonna fight her for custody. Then he’ll “reconnect with Suri and spoil her,” spending lots of cash on her and reminding her, literally, who’s her daddy. Next, Tom will “surround Suri with believers” as in Scientologists like Connor and Isabella, and before you know it, BAM: Suri is turned against Katie and Tom does one of those MUAHAHAHAHA laughs as he slips on aviator shades and the words “DEAL WITH IT” appear in gif form in front of him. Other things in this issue: Nicki Minaj = Dee Snider (See Fig. 3). Pink’s baby sees ghosts and tries to feed them cookies. Rpatz and Kstew share clothes. Jonathan Taylor Thomas for Fifty Shades Of Porn. (See Fig. 4) Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb walked up a pyramid at Chichen Itza and when Sofia came down, she had an engagement ring on her finger, so she’s either engaged to him or to Kinich Ahau the Maya sun god. (Rooting for Kinich Ahau, because if you cross him he will sic his magical jaguars down here to devour mankind.) In other religious news, Brad Pitt’s mom bought a wedding present for Angelina Jolie, and it’s a $130 leather bible with Angie’s name embossed in flowing gold script. Uh-oh. As a bisexual pseudo-Buddhist, Angelina is not thrilled with Jane Pitt’s anti-gay views, and this passive-aggressive gift might end up in Angie’s trash. Last, but certainly not least, a little objectification of men makes the dog days of summer a little easier to deal with, thank you. (See Fig. 5)
Grade: C (lemon rind)