This Week in Tabloids: Kylie & Kendall Are Your New Teen Trainwrecks
Celebrities
Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman assists as we gleefully embark on a search and destroy mission for “news” in In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star. It should be noted that because the weekly tabloids close their issues on Monday nights, not a single magazine had a story about Kim and Kanye’s engagement. Whoops! Nice timing on Kanye’s part. Instead, we have: Katie Holmes being seduced by Jamie Foxx; Jennifer Aniston being diagnosed with twins (again); and Scott “American Psycho” Disick has been pouring vodka down the teenage throats of Kylie and Kendall Jenner. Ready? Let’s do this.
Ok!
“TWIN BOYS FOR JEN!”
Stop me oh ho ho stop me, stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before. The cover screams “PREGNANCY EXCLUSIVE!” The actress is touching her torso. But if you look closely at the fine fine fine print on the “twins ultrasound,” it reads, “ultrasound could look like this.” (Fig. 1) So: Those stunt fetuses do not belong to Jennifer Aniston. But you knew that, right? Inside, the mag notes that Jen was at an event where she “dressed more conservatively than usual” in a “black pinstripped [sic] pantsuit.” Ladies, forget EPT: you know you’re knocked up if you find yourself in a pantsuit. The story goes on to clarify that Jen and Justin are “working on” twin boys and “hoping for twins” and “hoping for boys.” In other words: Not pregnant. No twins. Nothing to see/buy here. Although: One could write a highly detailed analytic thesis on fame, success, a woman’s worth, the implied sanctity of motherhood and the Aniston pregnancy narrative, especially the language here: “Jen’s baby dream is finally coming true — and she’s giving Justin TWO sons at once!” Giving. The only other item of note in the issue is the one claiming David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are “partners for real!” because they were touchy-feely at a PaleyFest appearance. X-Files shippers, feel free to clip this and put it in the old scrapbook.
Grade: F (hitting a wasp nest with a baseball bat)
Life & Style
“YES, WE’RE HAVING A BABY!”
Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are not having a baby. A friend of the couple says they are trying to have a baby by the end of the year. The friend is apparently privy to their sex schedule, which exists. Okay. In other news, Kim Kardashian is ditching Khloe to hang out with Blac Chyna, whom the magazine helpfully designates as a former stripper. This is a betrayal, because Lamar has gone to strip clubs? We don’t know. Whatever. Moving on: Prince William and Kate Middleton are BREAKING ALL THE RULES with Prince George’s christening (except for the “put your baby in an ornate dress” rule). They didn’t invite several key members of the royal family. They served cheap champagne. They didn’t choose royals for godparents, opting instead to choose commoners with made-up names like Fergus Boyd and Hugh van Cutsem. (Also, this was printed before the actual Christening took place, so this info could be wrong.) Elsewhere in the mag, Cameron Diaz is embarrassed to learn that A-Rod, whom she dated, used to see lots of prostitutes while they were together. This revelation comes from a new book written about the building he lived in. According to a resident at that address, “He got hookers all the time. Usually two at a time, two times a week.” Once, Cameron Diaz arrived 10 minutes after a pair of sex workers had left. Ughhhhhh. Next: Kanye was rude and disruptive while watching the Philip Glass opera. That’s So Kanye.
Grade: F (stepping on a fire ant hill)
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