This Week in Tabloids: More Famous Guys From Lindsay Lohan's Fuck List

TWINS!

Based on the world’s most unconvincing “BUMP ALERT!”, the womb experts at Ok! have determined that Mila Kunis is four months pregnant with twins (fathered by her fiance Ashton Kutcher). (Fig. 2) Like a feudal king of old, says a source, Ashton was deeply disappointed in Demi Moore’s inability to bear a child for him, so he sees the two-for-one baby deal as “the universe’s way of helping [him and Mila] make up for lost time.” Sure, whatever. Moving on: Prince William and Kate Middleton went on an extremely lavish vacation, prompting worries that they’re “spending beyond their means.” Evidence of lavishness: at their resort, “everything’s expensive and a hamburger costs a whopping $50.” Decadent. In other news, Katy Perry is going on a cleanse to get John Mayer out of her system — along with other cheesy hunks of meat, such as Taco Bell and In-N-Out. Finally, like the Rumpelstiltskin of the tabloid world, Ok! has attempted to spin the blandest of gossip wheat into gold (it didn’t really work): there’s a weirdly belated story about Taylor Swift’s “relationship” with SnapChat creator Evan Speigel. The two made out one time on New Year’s, but this story insists that they secretly dated and just rented out entire movie theaters and restaurants so no one would know. Notably, this article refers to them as “the tech mogul and the tunesmith.” THE TECH MOGUL AND THE TUNESMITH.

Grade: F (bot fly larvae under your skin)

DUCK WIVES TELL ALL

No patience for this fowl cover story, let’s skip it. Also inside: Scarlett Johansson is “Glowing & Showing.” Jamie Lynn Spears’ new husband is also named Jamie. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux “might” be eloping. Zzzzz.

Grade: F (leeches on your back)

KHLOE GIVES LAMAR A SECOND CHANCE!

This cover story is all about how Lamar called Khloe and cried and “she melted” and he wants to make it work. Khloe “misses the man she fell in love with” so it might happen but Khloe also has a “breakover body” and is “hotter than ever” so who knows. More important: More names on Lindsay Lohan’s fuck list have been revealed (Fig. 3). Additional famous dudes she had sex with include Ashton Kutcher, Orlando Bloom, Benicio del Toro, Ryan Phillppe, and Paris Hilton’s ex Stavros Niarchos III. If you recall, last week, some guessed that Ryan Phillippe would be on this list; BINGO, correct! In adidtion, there are two guys with the last name Cipriani, but they are (fortunately/unfortunately?) not related. The copy claims that since Ashton is now engaged to Mila Kunis, she is going to be “jealous and upset,” that he once got busy with LiLo, and a therapist who does not know anyone involved says: “You have to wonder about his judgment if he’s been involved with someone who’s such a trainwreck.” Ouch. Also inside: Jessica Simpson might be postponing her wedding for a fourth time. The Bachelor‘s Juan Pablo and Nikki are “faking it for the cameras” because they want to be famous. And finally: Selena Gomez is “two-timing” Justin Bieber with Niall Horan from One Direction. Apparently she has “1D Fever.” Here’s hoping there’s a cure.

Grade: B- (pubic lice)

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from Ok!

Fig. 3, from In Touch