This Week in Tabloids: O.J. Simpson Is Khloe Kardashian's Real Dad

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we sit at the dining room table of celebrity gossip and smile politely at all the horrible things that Us Weekly, Star, inTouch, Life & Style and OK! have to say. This week, O.J. Simpson is Khloe Kardashian’s Father; Taylor Swift ate a salad at a gastropub; and Kim Kardashian is gleefully shamed for being sexy on a motorcycle and a mother simultaneously. I have generously made suggestions about how you should use each magazine this holiday season. Let’s dive in.

There are rumors flying around that ubiquitous gremlin Kris Jenner is having a fling with Ben Flajnik, who was the Bachelor one time. Here is the worst “how we met” sentence in all of recorded history: “After the bad boy was on an episode of her syndicated talk show, Kris, in July, they started hanging out.” As of now, the pair is publicly claiming to be “just friends,” which is a very unbelievable tale because who would want to be friends with Kris Jenner? Flajnik would be better served by telling the truth (“I listen to her talk about her business empire because I’ve been in her debt ever since she took me to swim with a seal in Mexico.”) Next: Kelly Clarkson is pregnant. The claim that “I’m gonna have a girl!” comes from Clarkson’s belief in the power of manifesting, not a doctor. Same thing, though, really. Moving on: Taylor Swift and Douglas Booth’s fun ‘n flirty date, as brought to you by a stunning fan fiction. (Douglas Booth is best known for playing Romeo in the new Romeo and Juliet, but he was ALSO Miley Cyrus’ love interest in the stunning film LOL). Like the Charybdis of love, Taylor was “flirting… in a frenzy of hair tosses and playful shoves.” The pair ordered 8 beers and then “braved” vodka shots. The best part of this account: “[Taylor] got a salad, disappointing the gastropub’s chefs, who had hoped to impress the star.” Poor gastropub chefs. Always relegated to the sidelines of history. I loved this story so much that I spilled pizza all over it [Fig 1].

GRADE: B-
I recommend getting this to read on your voyage home solely because of the gastropub.

Just in time for Thanksgiving! Star has compiled a list of which celebrity moms are the best and which are the worst. Kate Middleton gets an A. Jessica Simpson gets an A+. Gwyneth Paltrow gets a D for her dangerous Vespa antics. And Katie Holmes gets a C- for being a busy single mom. Blergh. In other news, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey’s relationship is in trouble and I refuse to believe it and it’s probably not true. The pair hasn’t been spotted together in MONTHS, says Star, and Mariah was flirting with rapper Nas at his birthday party. As counter-evidence, I supply this picture. And, elsewhere in the mag, we are once more treated to a KANYE KONTROLS KIM conspiracy theory, which is very boring and redundant. This one focuses on how “Bound 2” was embarrassing and not artistic (WHAT!?) and how Kim wears too many revealing clothing items because Kanye tells her to. Yawn.

GRADE: F
I recommend burning this for warmth if a seasonal storm takes out your power.

I refuse to read or think about another garbage article about Jessica Simpson’s post-baby weight. Flipping the page, I saw a picture of celery with peanut butter on it, so I’m going to assume that’s about all the magazine has to say (“ants on a log, but no ants”). In other news, Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves are hooking up in secret. This is important, I guess, because Sandra Bullock secretly wants them to end up together? We’re all rooting for you, Keanu. Moving on: Brad Pitt called Jennifer Aniston to make sure that she’s okay because she’s not married yet, says a “friend” of Jen. Jen is okay, guys. Brad is understanding and always there to chat. Sometimes very busy couples lead separate lives, says Brad. Next: Jennifer Love Hewitt is pregnant, but the magazine didn’t know that she and her fiancee have already married in secret. HA! No one is omnipotent. Not even, shockingly, OK! magazine.

GRADE: D-
It could be fun to buy this magazine if you make it into cool little origami crafts.

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Discik are finally getting married, according to literally no one. The magazine doesn’t even make the “Kardashian friend” say it, opting instead to use a lot of vague quotes about maturity and growing old together. Uhhh, whatever. The important point is that this provides a good excuse to fabricate some Kardashian wedding beef [Fig 2]. Yay. Moving on: Life & Style has printed some weirdo’s fantasy Pinterest board about what will happen at the Royal Christmas. Harry will get the future King of England a onesie that says “If you think I’m cute, you should see my uncle!” (This will never happen, ever). In other non-news, Kim Zolciak’s “dramatic delivery” hasn’t happened yet because her twins are still in her womb. But she certainly “won’t miss the baby weight (a friend says she’s gained around 45 pounds)” when it does occur! Barf.

GRADE: F
I recommend never buying this or thinking about its contents ever again.

The only real shocking thing here is how long it’s taken for a tabloid to invent this story and put it on their cover: O.J. Simpson could be Khloe Kardashian’s real father, according to O.J.’s manager, Norman Pardo. Ooookay. Kris Jenner says that it’s absolutely untrue and that she never had an affair with the man; according to Pardo, though, “Whenever I bring it up, [O.J.] giggles.” I guess that counts as something? We are all invited to look at a photo of Khloe next to photos of her three potential dads in a kind of interactive Mamma Mia! scenario, which is exactly how paternity is decided in legal cases [Fig 3]. In other news, the magazine ran a little spread entitled “Put Some Clothes On, Kim! The TACKIEST New Mom Ever?” It’s about how Kim should put some clothes on because she’s a mom. Ground-breaking stuff. Moving on: Miley Cyrus is desperate to get Liam Hemsworth back, as you can tell because she once tweeted about being in London while Liam was in London!! And one time she put on a wig that looked like her old hair — the hair that she had when she met Liam (and also throughout her entire life, but whatever). Fascinating.

GRADE: D
I would recommend getting this so you can make some kind of art piece out of the image of Kim and Kanye from the “Bound 2” video that the magazine has captioned “GET A ROOM!” [Fig 4]

Addendum

Fig. 1, pizza stains on Us Weekly.

Fig. 2, Life & Style.