This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Is #1 on Cara Delevingne’s Fuck List
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, in which we line up our collective fantasies like so many bowling pins and roll a heavy ball of disappointment down the alley at the end of the world. I’m your host, a sleepy Pomeranian, and I urge you to join me this week, in which Amanda Bynes is living off gift cards, North West is on a diet, Will Smith takes pictures of Jada in her sleep, and Iggy Azalea “puts mayo on anything that doesn’t work.”
inTouch
PREGNANT & DUMPED
Oohwee, we’re rolling! Why don’t we start prefacing all these cover lines with [WOULDN’T IT BE CRAZY IF THIS PRETTY PERSON WAS], yeah? But first let’s talk about an “inTouch exclusive” that also appears in every other magazine: Joey from Friends went to a yacht club party and kissed two hot girls and made two hot girls kiss. So Joey! Classic Joey! I hope they didn’t remember the time he was the VD guy! Selena Gomez Has Emotional Breakdown….. in her new music video! Pray for fictional Selena in this difficult, fictional time. Kris Jenner celebrated her 59th birthday by kissing cardboard cutouts of her family at a Vegas nightclub, only to find out three days later that those cutouts were actually real. Blake Lively says that Martha Stewart is “the one woman who could creep on my man and I would be OK with it!” Blake Lively is KINKY!!!!
Miley Cyrus was caught sneaking out of Patrick Schwarzenegger’s apartment so we should assume they’re about to tie the knot. Maria Shriver hates it because she wants Patrick to run for president one day and carry on the “legacy of Camelot.” *quickly rereads The Once and Future King* I don’t get it?? Miley thinks Patrick is an updated Liam Hemsworth: “same good looks, but smarter and better bred.” Take that fucker to a dog show, Hannah Montana! Oh wow, everybody: 13-Year-Old Gia Exploited by Her Money-Hungry Mom! My mother Teresa is making me put sexy music videos online, “pushing Gia [me] into show business in a desperate grab for cash.” Gia, who is only in eighth-grade (IT’S SO FUN YOU GUYS, I LOVE MY FRIENDS) is expected to make “a pile of dough.” For home ec! I love my #HomeEcSistas! CAN ALL BE FORGIVEN? shrieks the headline of a thoughtful theological text about pre-Crucifixion morality (the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). I’m guessing the answer is… no!
Gwyneth Paltrow is FREAKED that Chris Martin might actually be getting back together with J-Law. So freaked that she started chain-smoking and “frantically texting Chris.” There’s lots of garbage here about who is cuter or sexier or whatever, and a funny list about the “demands” set by Gwyneth for when J-Law “cares for her kids,” including the demand that Apple and Moses can only be in “homes with soothing colors.” And here’s the super dumb cover story: Kim Kardashian is pregnant, so Kanye is delaying their divorce for the sake of the unborn baby, but if they do get divorced he’s going to tell everyone about how Kim once cheated on an ex-boyfriend WITH HIM and another famous woman in a “tawdry threesome.” I bet the threesome was very tasteful actually! Neutral tones, nice lighting, good fabrics on the bed. “InTouch has chosen not to reveal the identity of the female celebrity,” they say. Sure sure sure. Finally…. EVERYONE’S WEARING EGGPLANT!
Grade: C- (kissing a cardboard cutout of someone in your family only to have it snap in half over the top of your head)
Life & Style
A BABY TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE
Who’s Got The Best Oxblood Nail Polish? shrieks a harpy as she dissolves into flames. Mila Kunis has the baby blues. They know this because she has been in bed a lot and looking “downright miserable.” Stars, they’re just like me after Daylight Savings Time! Khloe K and French Montana bought an Escalade for P. Diddy on his birthday. So thoughtful! What’s that classic saying about Escalades….. GIVE THEM TO JIA?
According to an LA mechanic, Amanda Bynes covers the speedometer on her car when she’s driving because “the government can see her through it.” She’s got a point….. she’s got a real point. This story is great because the mechanic “tried to calm her down” with a joke like Well Amanda, what about the navigation system and then Amanda just got even more scared and flew away into the night (“a bat out of hell”). Teresa Giudice wants Gia to have her own show! Oh my god mom!!!!!! Thank you so much for saying that?? That’s so nice of you??? What kind of show do you want me to have?? Like cooking maybe? I’m so good at home ec!!
Did we know that Clay Aiken ran for congress in the midterms????????? North Carolina’s 2nd District. But he lost and sang “If I were invisible” to his toes in the bathtub all night! Jada Pinkett Smith says she “discovered the sexiest secret the other day.” *extends extremely long telescope from my ear to Jada’s mouth* “My husband takes pictures of me in my sleep.” *retracts telescope looking confused*
Okay, here’s the cover story: Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert probably better have a kid fast or they gonna split up. Reasons include He Likes to Party! and Her Clock Is Ticking! and lots of other Hall of Fame heteronormative ideation. “Relationship experts caution against using children to patch a marriage.” *opens the Bible* no, no, you CAN. Mariah Carey is stressed out about people calling her fat: that’s the headline of an article accompanied by unflattering Mimi pictures and word splashes like “Busting Out!” and “40-pound weight gain!” Katy Perry spent $500,000 on her 30th birthday party. “For that much dough, Katy could buy 143,266 bags of Flamin Hot Cheetos,” shouts the magazine, making an excellent point. Guess which Michelle Williams describes her most luxe getaway as the time she went to the Bahamas with no checked baggage? If you guessed Michelle Williams, you’re wrong. Finally…. STARS ARE ELEGANT IN EGGPLANT!
Grade: D (saving your Flaming Hot Cheetos all day only to accidentally sit on them)
OK!
TWINS!
Whoever put together this cover is either super funny or living deep in the iron grip of narcolepsy. Here we go! Amanda Bynes is crashing with friends in LA and “living off gift cards.” *tries to eat a gift card* IDGI. Kim Kardashian has baby North on a “strict diet.” I would say, generally, that all babies are on a strict diet??? Nori’s is just organic foods and no processed sugar, which sounds pretty chill to me, she wrote, looking around the office for pastries. Alyson Hannigan is “desperate for work’ and “has started showing up at any event that will have cameras around.” This courtesy of an insider tip (friend of Alyson’s from middle school who didn’t like the HIMYM finale). Rachael Ray makes homemade moonshine with her husband as a “primary bonding activity.” That’s a great idea!!! *immediately goes blind* I’ll just stick to “sex.” Famous movie dog Benji Madden wants to marry Cameron Diaz in a drive-through chapel but Cammy wants a big wedding and now all of Benji’s dog friends are woofing at him so hard and making him doggie name tags that say “Señor Diaz,” which is a racist joke but kind of funny.
Here’s the cover story: Khloe Kardashian is pregnant with twins. Evidence for pregnant includes the fact that she still has a tummy despite working out a lot and also this one time she didn’t have any champagne. Evidence for twins include the fact that she said Joe Francis’s new twin girls are cute. DAMNING EVIDENCE! DAMN THIS EVIDENCE TO HELL! The tell-all story about Chris & Gwyneth’s Twisted Relationship includes the absolutely shocking anecdote of the couple going trick-or-treating with their kids (!!!!). Bruce Jenner’s mother Esther talks to OK! and sounds pretty no-nonsense and awesome. She’s mad at Kris Jenner for being so controlling that Bruce couldn’t even buy “one of his little [toy] helicopters without asking her for cash.” Esther also never saw Kris change a diaper, and she goes on record to say she likes Khloe the best, because she has the best personality. She also describes Bruce’s ponytail as looking “like a teenage rebel,” which is much nicer than the way these tabloids have been describing it. Finally, Kendall Jenner has a net worth of 3 million dollars. Does Kendall Jenner want to renew my Amazon Prime????
Grade: D+ (trying to use a gift card at Big Lots only to find it’s expired)
US Weekly
BRUCE’S SECRET DOUBLE LIFE
Here’s the type of celebrity journalism that truly interests me: a rundown of how various STARS got out of their traffic tickets. Nicki Minaj wrote a note to the cop’s daughter; Patrick Dempsey handsomed until the cop started giggling; Gisele kissed her citation (hehe); Aretha Franklin signed an autograph. Hilary Duff talks about the inexorable march of time: “Turning 27 feels weird. I still kind of feel like a kid. I’m a kid with a kid.” Speaking of CHILDREN, every tabloid item about Robert Downey Jr’s new baby “Avri Roel November” has been titled IRON BABY 2. (He has another baby.) (The other baby’s name is EXTON, which is medieval Latin for “too much money.”) Robin Wright broke up with her 34-year-old fiancé. He was immatoore, drawled Frank Underwood, blowing a coil of smoke out the window.
There’s a lot of juicy shit in this cover story of transgender horror and unkind suspicion about Bruce Jenner’s new ladylike swag. And I hate it and it feels UNIQUELY disgusting to write any of it down! If this stuff is true—like the item that Bruce tried to pass off his laryngeal-flattening surgery as treatment for a “thyroid issue” and his family shamed him into admitting what it really was; or the item that Bruce had already started gender transitioning in 1990, when he went on a blind date with Kris Jenner—it’s super sad and Bruce should move to a different country ASAP and just chill in peace. May I suggest… Costa Rica??! Kylie and Kendall are “hyper-defensive” of Bruce, which they should be. Iggy Azalea would be a cook if she didn’t rap, and because her boyfriend only likes “kid food,” she just puts mayo on anything that goes wrong. *puts mayo on my emotional development from age 14-21*
Grade: C (getting pulled over for speeding only to get out of it by screaming that your period’s coming down the sides of your jeans)
Star
AMAL AND ANGIE: WHY THEY HATE EACH OTHER
Oh please, these women probably love each other; they probably lie around in fine velvet drapery and talk about snipping men’s balls off after a hearty fuck. OOOH NOW WE’RE TALKING: Cara Delevingne has a sex diary where she keeps track of all the dudes and chicas she’s banged (“more than 100” according to a “tattling” pal) and RATES THEM. Oh my god, that’s the list of my dreams, excepting the two people that Cara apparently wants to add onto it: Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. Apparently Rihanna was Cara’s “best hookup ever” and she “wouldn’t touch Lindsay Lohan with a ten-foot pole.” Michelle Rodriguez’s place “was filthy” with “gross mattresses on the floor.” Plural floor mattresses? As someone that likes to just fall asleep on the floor like a toddler, let me say: THAT SOUNDS RELAXING. The lead singer of the Cranberries head-butted a cop on a flight to Ireland. *wordlessly howls the end riff of “Dreams”*
IT’S WAR: between two women who are very apprised of actual war and would probably backhand your ass with their giant diamond rings for using this dumb-ass headline, if they cared, which they don’t. Anyway, we know IT’S WAR between Amal and Angelina because Brad and Angelina skipped both the Clooney wedding and the party thrown later by Amal’s parents; reasons for IT’S WAR include the fact that “Angie is deeply insecure, self-absorbed and calculating,” and “it eats at her that Amal is everything she isn’t: educated, well-bred, respected and in an earned position of power.” Angelina is also mad because Amal’s hair looks like hers in that it is long and dark and nice-looking. Words without meaning, words without end! But then the article comes back with the curveball of something actually interesting: Amal has represented the king of Bahrain as well as Qaddafi’s former intelligence chief, and Angelina thinks taking them on as clients is “disgusting.” And Amal thinks that Angelina’s amateur understanding of politics is a joke! Lastly, Taylor Swift wants to hook up with Chris Martin. “She pretends like she’s very prim and proper, but she knows how to work a man,” says a hissing anaconda coiled around an apple that’s lipstick red.
Grade: B- (hooking up with Rihanna only to wake up and realize you’re actually kissing a hoagie)
Addendum:
Fig 1-3, inTouch
Fig 4, Us Weekly