This Week In Tabloids: The Kreepy, Krazy-Eyed Kardashian Khristmas Kard


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I brave the blustery wilds of the celebrity tabloids in search of cozy gossip. This week, we are forever changed by the unholy spectacle that is the “official” Kardashian Christmas portrait.

“Kardashian Holiday Miracle: We’re Having Babies!”
The truth is, no one is actively in the process of having a baby at the moment, but Kris Jenner is “praying” for Kourtney and Khloe to get knocked up. She should be careful what she wishes for, because it could be 15-year-old Kendall or 13-year-old Kylie who end up with a bun in the oven! Even more important: Get sucked into the parallel dimension vortex that is the Official Kardashian Christmas Portrait (see image 7). The attire, skin tones, noses and and poses are mesmerizingly bizarre. YOU CANNOT LOOK AWAY. Next: “Nicole Richie’s Wedding Disaster” is a yarn spun by the magazine about how Nicole “hungered” to see her wedding photos on a magazine cover, but was asking for $100,000 for one picture. No takers! Guests had their cellphones confiscated at the door, so no unauthorized images will come out, either. How this is a disaster, we don’t know.
Grade: F (blizzard, zero degrees, no shirt)

“Meet The New Moms”
There are eight whopping pages of info about the new cast of Teen Mom (ladies previously seen on 16 & Pregnant) in this mag, and we couldn’t bear to read any of it. If you’re interested, here’s a suggestion: Watch the show. Moving on: When the mag copy claims that the Jolie-Pitts “take NYC,” what the editors mean is that Shiloh will one day rule us all, because she is awesome (see image 8). Ryan Gosling is “taken with” Blake Lively, which makes us sad. Hey Girl, your storyline on Gossip Girl sucks. “It’s over” between Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson. A source says on December 10, ScarJo was seen entering her apartment building in New York, while screaming “you jerk!” to someone on her cell phone. Ryan and Scarlett split because they never saw each other. And, a source says, Ryan is “philosophical and into writing poems for girls,” which, perhaps, is a roundabout way of saying Scarlett is not an intellectual? Also! When Scarlett won Tony for A View From The Bridge, she kissed her costar Liev Schreiber before she kissed RyRen. Ryan has been “reaching out to an ex” for the past few months, but the mag neither confirms or denies that the ex is Alanis Morissette.
Grade: F (golf-ball sized hail, no coat)

Life &Style
“A Baby For Kim!”
If you read this WORLD EXCLUSIVE story carefully — as in, read between the lines — what you’ll find is a cleverly disguised campaign for South African orphanages. The piece is ostensibly about Kim Kardashian seeing a picture of orphans from The Shepherds Keep orphanage outside of Durban, South Africa, which “broke her heart.” A “friend” claims that when Kim saw the image, “she couldn’t believe that all these beautiful little babies were orphans.” Because only ugly kids get orphaned? The story explains that at some orphanages, like the Door of Hope in Johannesburg, there’s a compartment in wall where women can place a baby and walk away. Kim is currently in South Africa promoting Brutal Fruit Cocktails (?!?) but might visit an orphanage and pick up a kid. The magazine helpfully points out that adoption of a South African child by an American is allowed. There’s also a sidebar called “Lots Of Single Women Adopt,” some kind of propaganda, suggesting to the Midwestern ladies in the checkout line that they should try adoption — Sandra Bullock did it! Meg Ryan did it! Sheryl Crowe and Mary-Louise Parker, too! But: At no point to we find out, for sure, that Kim is getting a baby. Speaking of Sandra Bullock, she’ll be “spending her first Christmas alone.” Except she has Louis! And she has already taken him to ride a pony while wearing a tiny Santa hat. (see image 9). Ryan Gosling is “smitten with” Blake Lively, and a source points out: “They both come from nice families and they both like to bake.” Jennifer Aniston made “amazing smoothies” on the set of Wanderlust, says Justin Theroux. “If I caught a cold, she would make blueberry smoothies with antioxidants. She was a fantastic blender chef.” Burning question: “Does Halle’s Beau Have Only One Pair Of Pants?” All signs point to yes (see image 10). Lastly, the “1998 Hollywood Yearbook” is a chance to play “spot the old nose.” There are several! Speaking of which, have you ever seen this? Or this?
Grade: D- (19° and strong winds, no hat)

“Holiday Shocker: Separated!”
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are “separated” because they are filming movies in different parts of the world. But maybe something else is going on. Katie is coming home for Christmas… Tom might come home, or he might not. Let’s panic. Katie has been “consulting” with her dad, who is divorce lawyer, about what to do. On December 5th, Katie was in Barneys in L.A. when she broke down and just started sobbing. An eyewitness says: “It was awful. She was so emotional that they had to call a police escort.” Blind item! “Which prettyboy TV actor got everyone at NYC club SL gossiping when he was spotted in a dark corner locking lips with a young blonde… guy?! ‘They were openly kissing and cuddling up together for some time,’ an eyewitness tells Star.” coughChaceCrawfordcough. Breaking: John Mayer is depressed. An insider claims his friends have to “literally drag him out of the apartment to do things.” He’s all sad panda about being alone during the holidays, his favorite time of the year. “John’s been telling his friends he may move to Japan for a few months because people ‘get’ him there.” (Cut to Margaret and I giggling so hard that something came out of my nose.) Ashton Kutcher is “caught in a murder scandal”… from ten years ago. In 2001, he was dating Ashley Ellerin, and they’d made plans, but when he got to her house, she didn’t answer the door. He looked through the window and saw red stains on the floor. He thought it was red wine — and that she was angry with him for rescheduling their date. But. It was blood. She’d been stabbed 35 times — but her body was just out of Ashton’s view. For some reason the case is just now going to trial, and Ashton will be called upon to testify because he will help prosecutors establish a time of death. Also inside, we learn that Amber Portwood is pregnant, and also lots of details about who she’s slept with: One she met while stopped at a stoplight. Two she bumped into at a Verizon wireless store, and another she met at a party when she was really drunk. Lastly — and this is pretty ridiculous — a 19-year-old model who comes off as totally obnoxious claims Johnny Depp hit on her. When you read carefully, it sounds like SHE was hitting on him, aggressively, and he kissed on the forehead as he brushed her off. Still, she sold the story to Star and made a little cash before Christmas, just like the baby Jesus would want.
Grade: D (sunny 26°, no gloves)

In Touch
“She’s Pregnant!”
Teen Mom‘s Amber Portwood and her new boyfriend Clinton were leaving the Red Lobster in Anderson, Indiana, when people started crowding around them. Amber’s friend told them to back off, adding, “Don’t you know Amber is pregnant?” And a cover story was born. Apparently Amber’s not on birth control because she doesn’t have health insurance, and “doesn’t like” condoms. Sigh. Also, Amber says she’s been diagnosed as a “nympho,” a sex addict. The fact that she calls it being a nympho makes us doubt that she was diagnosed by a professional. Some dude who used to date her says there’s no way one man can satisfy Amber; he calls it “a very real addiction.” BTW: Clinton has two kids under the age of four by two different women. WTF. Next: Taylor Swift is “paranoid” that Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway have a thang going on. Britney Spears’s allowance has been raised from $1500 a week (in 2008) to $25,000 a week. Accompanying this story are pictures of Brit shopping at Wal-Mart. Scandal: Prince William is inviting ex-girlfriends to his wedding. Except these are people Kate and William have known for ten years, and one of them, Jecca, well, her father owns the resort where Kate and William got engaged. Mason Disick — son of Kourtney Kardashian and Scott “American Psycho” Disick — has an agent. Kourtney is trying to get him into commercials and movies. Mason turned 1 on December 14th. Miley Cyrus, 17, is dating L.A. club promoter Andrei Gillott, who is 26. Ashley Simpson is “starving” for attention, and a “friend” calls her “emaciated” and “all skin and bones.” She’s been doing cardio-barre classes and eating 800 calories a day. Lastly: Demi Moore is Benjamin Button. (see image TK)
Grade: C (cloudy 32°, no scarf)

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