This Week In Tabloids: The Kreepy, Krazy-Eyed Kardashian Khristmas Kard
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I brave the blustery wilds of the celebrity tabloids in search of cozy gossip. This week, we are forever changed by the unholy spectacle that is the “official” Kardashian Christmas portrait.
Ok!
“Kardashian Holiday Miracle: We’re Having Babies!”
The truth is, no one is actively in the process of having a baby at the moment, but Kris Jenner is “praying” for Kourtney and Khloe to get knocked up. She should be careful what she wishes for, because it could be 15-year-old Kendall or 13-year-old Kylie who end up with a bun in the oven! Even more important: Get sucked into the parallel dimension vortex that is the Official Kardashian Christmas Portrait (see image 7). The attire, skin tones, noses and and poses are mesmerizingly bizarre. YOU CANNOT LOOK AWAY. Next: “Nicole Richie’s Wedding Disaster” is a yarn spun by the magazine about how Nicole “hungered” to see her wedding photos on a magazine cover, but was asking for $100,000 for one picture. No takers! Guests had their cellphones confiscated at the door, so no unauthorized images will come out, either. How this is a disaster, we don’t know.
Grade: F (blizzard, zero degrees, no shirt)
Us
“Meet The New Moms”
There are eight whopping pages of info about the new cast of Teen Mom (ladies previously seen on 16 & Pregnant) in this mag, and we couldn’t bear to read any of it. If you’re interested, here’s a suggestion: Watch the show. Moving on: When the mag copy claims that the Jolie-Pitts “take NYC,” what the editors mean is that Shiloh will one day rule us all, because she is awesome (see image 8). Ryan Gosling is “taken with” Blake Lively, which makes us sad. Hey Girl, your storyline on Gossip Girl sucks. “It’s over” between Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson. A source says on December 10, ScarJo was seen entering her apartment building in New York, while screaming “you jerk!” to someone on her cell phone. Ryan and Scarlett split because they never saw each other. And, a source says, Ryan is “philosophical and into writing poems for girls,” which, perhaps, is a roundabout way of saying Scarlett is not an intellectual? Also! When Scarlett won Tony for A View From The Bridge, she kissed her costar Liev Schreiber before she kissed RyRen. Ryan has been “reaching out to an ex” for the past few months, but the mag neither confirms or denies that the ex is Alanis Morissette.
Grade: F (golf-ball sized hail, no coat)
Life &Style
“A Baby For Kim!”
If you read this WORLD EXCLUSIVE story carefully — as in, read between the lines — what you’ll find is a cleverly disguised campaign for South African orphanages. The piece is ostensibly about Kim Kardashian seeing a picture of orphans from The Shepherds Keep orphanage outside of Durban, South Africa, which “broke her heart.” A “friend” claims that when Kim saw the image, “she couldn’t believe that all these beautiful little babies were orphans.” Because only ugly kids get orphaned? The story explains that at some orphanages, like the Door of Hope in Johannesburg, there’s a compartment in wall where women can place a baby and walk away. Kim is currently in South Africa promoting Brutal Fruit Cocktails (?!?) but might visit an orphanage and pick up a kid. The magazine helpfully points out that adoption of a South African child by an American is allowed. There’s also a sidebar called “Lots Of Single Women Adopt,” some kind of propaganda, suggesting to the Midwestern ladies in the checkout line that they should try adoption — Sandra Bullock did it! Meg Ryan did it! Sheryl Crowe and Mary-Louise Parker, too! But: At no point to we find out, for sure, that Kim is getting a baby. Speaking of Sandra Bullock, she’ll be “spending her first Christmas alone.” Except she has Louis! And she has already taken him to ride a pony while wearing a tiny Santa hat. (see image 9). Ryan Gosling is “smitten with” Blake Lively, and a source points out: “They both come from nice families and they both like to bake.” Jennifer Aniston made “amazing smoothies” on the set of Wanderlust, says Justin Theroux. “If I caught a cold, she would make blueberry smoothies with antioxidants. She was a fantastic blender chef.” Burning question: “Does Halle’s Beau Have Only One Pair Of Pants?” All signs point to yes (see image 10). Lastly, the “1998 Hollywood Yearbook” is a chance to play “spot the old nose.” There are several! Speaking of which, have you ever seen this? Or this?
Grade: D- (19° and strong winds, no hat)