Top 5 Potential Democratic Presidential Nominees

Some people are wondering today, hypothetically that is, who could potentially replace Joe Biden if something crazy were to happen, like, oh I don’t know, if he got hit by an asteroid or something. Totally hypothetical! This curiosity is not at all inspired by anything that happened last night. The presidential debate was super normal and not at all newsworthy, so my DNC fundraising e-mails tell me. Joe did great, I heard he called Donald Trump a liar!

But now I log on to the internet and am confused. Why does everybody seem to want a new president? I was told that alley cat line slayed. What are these quotes about “aggressive panic” and “we have a problem” and “If it gets Biden not to run, then it was very good,” that I’m seeing? What does Jon Stewart mean when he says “resting 25th Amendment face”?

To try to be helpful through all this chaos and confusion, I thought I’d put together a little list of possible replacements should something wild and unexpected occur. Again, totally hypothetical and definitely not at all a thing that most people in America are thinking about today for no reason whatsoever!

Like for Trump’s potential Vice President candidates, we will sort this according to PredictIt odds as of this writing, which are flying around like shitcoins on the back of a Fed announcement, so it’s not likely the price will be the same when you read this. I wanted to do a top ten, but no one’s betting the token lefties down at one cent, and all the money is concentrated around five potential nominees. First up, a man who governs the root of the Democrats’ famed Midwest firewall that rests entirely on Nebraska which contains an exceedingly likely portal to hell where Trump and Biden tie.

5. JB Pritzker (3 cents)

Pritzker is the governor of Illinois and has more money than anyone other than the DNC in this race. He’s the only outsider who could actually buy his way into the chase should said totally theoretical asteroid create a power vacuum in the Democratic Party that definitely does not exist at this present moment. Pritzker has also done really great stuff to lower the price of insulin in Illinois, and he has governed in a way that has earned him a lot of goodwill with a lot of different constituencies. The contrast he could provide to Trump as the actual billionaire in the race would be fun.

4. Hillary Clinton (5 cents)

Ahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh you’re serious? You know she lost to Trump already right? You know she expresses open disdain for everyone under the age of 40 right? Look there’s a lot of weight this theoretical reality is carrying right now, it just can’t take any more. Anyone buying these shares needs help. You’re rooting for us to descend to the 9th circle of hell you sick jerks.

3. Kamala Harris (15 cents)

KHive I know we have a rocky history, and the vast majority of you have had me blocked on Twitter since the Paste politics days, but I am willing to mend these fences and join together in a totally hypothetical scenario where an asteroid renders Joe Biden unable to be president. Should this disaster where a president, God forbid, lose control over his mind, the Vice President is where I would put my money. She’s the only way to tell the coherent story of the Biden administration, and all of us could use a fall out of a coconut tree while pondering our existence in the context of all in which we live and what came before us every once in a while.

“You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you” – Kamala Harris (2023)pic.twitter.com/GiTVhDNvRd https://t.co/SXmwKAKhke — Fiona Small (@FionaSmall) May 17, 2024

2. Gavin Newsom (18 cents)

The governor of California looks like he is fresh off the assembly line of the DNC’s clone program, and overseeing the sixth largest economy in the world is a pretty good case to be president. Being this high makes sense, as it has long been clear the Democrats are grooming Newsom for any theoretical asteroid-laden future. More than anyone on this list, what he would do with the power is a mystery, as Newsom is so polished for a politician that there is a part of the human brain that just cannot help but inherently distrust him.

1. Joe Biden (67 cents)

What a shock! The President of the United States is number one! Part of me had assumed since everyone to the left of Mitt Romney has been debating some of these names today that he would not make the cut, but ‘ol comeback Joe did it again. The most unpopular incumbent president in American history is still the heavy favorite to be the nominee a month out from the convention. via GIPHY Part of me can’t help but think there’s great value on the president right now due to all this hysteria over this asteroid, but people seem to be really concerned about it. Probably best to hedge your bets, just to be safe should anything bad happen, you know, hypothetically.

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