Un Chien Pimple Popper

By Rich Juzwiak | February 22, 2019 | 9:10pm

Entertainment

“Obviously I don’t want to nick an eyeball,” said Dr. Pimple Popper regarding a surgery she performed this episode. And that’s the only difference between her and the surrealists.

Our pop of the week is actually a series of pops all around one person’s eyes.

Most Popular

Her name is Hilda, she hails from South Gate, California, she’s 42, and she had hidrocystomas framing her eyes:

She described the bumps as “large, gooey, ugly hard rocks” that were “growing and growing.” And the description only got worse from there. She had surgery three times! These bumps sapped her life of passion! It hurt to blink!

And then Dr. PP had to get very close to Hilda’s eyeballs in order to irrigate the hidrocystomas. This woman’s suffering just knew no limits.

Dr. Lee said part of the problem with previous surgeries is that the doctors did not destroy the entire sacs in which the hidrocystomas were housed, so they kept coming back. But Dr. Lee is obviously the best doctor in the world, so she devised a plan to eliminate them over time. Hilda seemed over the moon with the immediate results, despite the spectre of the hidrocystomas still being quite evident around her eyes.

You know that Stephen King story “Sometimes They Come Back”? Well, it’s true. Sometimes they come back. Hilda’s hydrocistomas came back:

“Some of of hidrocystomas did come back, which is not surprising—she still looks better than before,” Dr. Lee said, helpfully, about eight weeks out from Hilda’s treatment. She also said that she hoped to get rid of Hilda’s hidrocystomas for good over the course of more treatments. Fingers crossed.

In terms of this week’s food analogies there were just a few: good old mashed potatoes with a specific twist (“…when you add too much water”) and good old chicken cutlet-as-lipoma.

Those are a little underwhelming to end on, so I would like to offer you this clip of the aforementioned lipoma being compared to a butterfly (that once looked like a butt cheek) and the former owner of that lipoma, 57-year-old Barb from Visalia, California, saying that the shape was apropos because felt like he had emerged completely upon its removal.

Only this show could spawn that kind of metaphor and that kind of doubling down. Only this show could depict a partially born lipoma and expression of joy in a single frame:

I think if someone did a photorealistic painting of this, it would be hung in a museum. Please get on that and send it to me so that I can sell it to a museum and make Pimple Popper kind of money. Thank you in advance.