We Granted 250 Pardons from Pop-Culture Jail

In honor of the Trump administration’s plan to issue 250 presidential pardons in celebration of America’s big 250th, Jezebel would like to throw 250 pardon suggestions into the mix.

By Claire Guinan  |  May 15, 2026 | 12:30pm
CelebritiesIn Depth Pardons
We Granted 250 Pardons from Pop-Culture Jail

According to a report from the Wall Street Journal, the Trump administration is planning a grand jubilee of 250 pardons in celebration of America’s big 250th. And if these new pardons are anything like the previously issued pardons for the January 6 rioters, we will have even more perverts walking around the streets. Yay!

That being said, Jezebel would like to throw some other pardon suggestions into the mix, or rather, grant our own internet-clemency to 250 things we believe deserve freedom from pop-culture jail. There are the obvious crimes against humanity that should never be forgiven, and then there are the petty crimes, like skinny jeans. We can’t move forward into the next semiquincentennial if we’re forever clinging to skinny jean resentment.

We must forgive in order to forget. So, to the following 250 offenders, consider yourself free (that is, for now) from the metaphorical bars of cultural jail. 

  1. 1. As aforementioned, skinny jeans
  2. 2. Nobu
  3. 3. Golf
  4. 4. Timothee Chalamet, for his opera/ballet comments
  5. 5. Seed oil
  6. 6. Cigarettes
  7. 7. Buzzballs
  8. 8. Dubstep
  9. 9. The Star Wars prequels
  10. 10. That one hair stylist that did not do what you asked for, but that’s OK.
  11. 11. …Microbangs
  12. 12. All bangs, actually. 
  13. 13. Segways
  14. 14. Candy Crush
  15. 15. Porta-potties
  16. 16. Siri (not Alexa, sorry)
  17. 17. The Articles of Confederation
  18. 18. LES, aka the Lower East Side
  19. 19. All 14 seasons of Fox’s The Masked Singer
  20. 20. And on that note, Days of our Lives. You guys can seriously stop now.
  21. 21. Gwenyth Paltrow, re: Goop
  22. 22. Gwyneth Paltrow, re: the ski accident/lawsuit
  23. 23. Harry Styles, re: queerbaiting allegations
  24. 24. RuPaul Charles, re: fracking allegations
  25. 25. Winona Ryder, re: shoplifting allegations
  26. 26. The fish that decided to walk on land, and now we ALL have to go to work.
  27. 27. Email
  28. 28. Your middle school self
  29. 29. Your high school self
  30. 30. Your college self
  31. 31. You, now. It’s OK! 
  32. 32. Peplum tops
  33. 33. Those suede thigh-high boots of 2015
  34. 34. Neck pillows
  35. 35. Some DJs
  36. 36. The Coldplay kiss cam woman
  37. 37. The Coldplay kiss cam man
  38. 38. Claire’s, like from the mall.
  39. 39. Rascal Flatts
  40. 40. Astrology
  41. 41. Red light therapy 
  42. 42. Two-factor authentication
  43. 43. Brazilian waxes
  44. 44. Marcus Aurelius
  45. 45. Carvana car vending machines
  46. 46. Emilia Perez (2024)
  47. 47. “The Macarena”
  48. 48. The inventor of the front-facing camera
  49. 49. Those thieves who stole stuff from the Louvre
  50. 50. Kevin Jonas
  51. 51. Fibromyalgia
  52. 52. Accordians
  53. 53. Labubus
  54. 54. The holocene
  55. 55. Non-slip shoes
  56. 56. Sprayable cheese
  57. 57. The gallbladder
  58. 58. Dakota Johnson
  59. 59. Kraft American cheese singles
  60. 60. Tubi
  61. 61. Ohio, the state of
  62. 62. Ohio, the slang term meaning weird
  63. 63. Fast and Furious 9, the one where they drive in space.
  64. 64. Kangaroos (even though I still don’t trust them)
  65. 65. Bucket hat enjoyers
  66. 66. Tinned fish
  67. 67. 6…7
  68. 68. Everyone who didn’t do the ALS ice bucket challenge
  69. 69. The caffeinated lemonade from Panera that kills you
  70. 70. Steve Brady, Miranda’s ex- lover from Sex and the City and And Just Like That
  71. 71. Aidan Shaw, Carrie’s ex-lover from Sex and the City, and And Just Like That
  72. 72. Trey MacDougal, Charlotte’s ex-lover from Sex and the City
  73. 73. Smith Jerrod, Samantha’s ex-lover from Sex and the City
  74. 74. John Slattery’s guest character as Carrie’s lover in Sex and the City, who really wants someone to piss on him.
  75. 75. The Try Guys
  76. 76. Lea Michele
  77. 77. Snapchat
  78. 78. The Tiger King
  79. 79. Baja Blasts
  80. 80. Actually, all of Taco Bell
  81. 81. LMFAO’s seminal work, “Sorry For Party Rocking.”
  82. 82. Cottage Cheese
  83. 83. Your FICO credit score
  84. 84. Your upstairs neighbor who does something loud every day around 7am
  85. 85. Addison Rae
  86. 86. The Hype House ft. Addison Rae, Charli D’Amelio, and more.
  87. 87. Roombas
  88. 88. Tumblr
  89. 89. Millie Bobby Brown’s 2019 film Godzilla: King of the Monsters
  90. 90. Millie Bobby Brown
  91. 91. Dr. Pimple Popper
  92. 92. Hoverboards
  93. 93. The hospital from Grey’s Anatomy—Let’s move on.
  94. 94. Martha Stewart. She served her time. 
  95. 95. Kate Winslet’s character at the end of Titanic
  96. 96. The cardboard tampons
  97. 97. Theranos
  98. 98. Netflix’s Is It Cake?
  99. 99. Half of the participants from the “Imagine” celebrity rendition
  100. 100. Barrel jeans
  101. 101. Those gargantuan gallon-sized water bottles that say encouraging things to you as you drink
  102. 102. Nepo babies
  103. 103. Hawk Tuah (but like, actually, she was wronged.)
  104. 104. Dr. Miami
  105. 105. Spirit Airlines
  106. 106. Gorpcore
  107. 107. The 3rd Amendment. At first, I thought you were kind of silly, but then shit got weird.
  108. 108. Brat summer
  109. 109. The Hailey Bieber slick-back hairstyle that caused early-onset balding for an entire generation of young women
  110. 110. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
  111. 111. The Real Housewives of Atlanta
  112. 112. The Real Housewives of New York
  113. 113. The Real Housewives of New Jersey
  114. 114. The Real Housewives of Orange County
  115. 115. The Real Housewives of Miami
  116. 116. The Real Housewives of Potomac
  117. 117. The Real Housewives of Dallas
  118. 118. The Real Housewives of Dubai
  119. 119. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
  120. 120. And speaking of RHOSLC, Jen Shah.
  121. 121. Mormon Wives 
  122. 122. William Henry Harrison
  123. 123. Paul Blart, of mall cop fame
  124. 124. Twee
  125. 125. Your roommate’s cat
  126. 126. Your other roommates’ other cat
  127. 127. Morbeus
  128. 128. Gawker Media
  129. 129. Mona Lisa
  130. 130. Ella McCay (2025)
  131. 131. It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover
  132. 132. It Ends With Us, the film by Blake Lively.
  133. 133. Charcuterie
  134. 134. The hostess at the upscale restaurant that is a lowkey a bitch, but she’s dealing with a lot.
  135. 135. The Kia Soul
  136. 136. The traitors, from The Traitors. 
  137. 137. Punch the Monkey’s mom.
  138. 138. That Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial circa 2017
  139. 139. Sweetgreen, Saladworks, Chopt, Tossed, and Just Salad: only one of you will be pardoned. Decide amongst yourselves.
  140. 140. Pants with words on the butt part
  141. 141. Pink pussy hats
  142. 142. Benedict Arnold. It’s all water under the bridge at this point.
  143. 143. Tabi’s, i.e., the camel toe shoes. They’re cute!
  144. 144. Anyone who got a matching tattoo with their BFF and then fell out
  145. 145. The Tesla Cybertruck
  146. 146. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, for robbing Kendrick Lamar at the 2014 Grammys.
  147. 147. Adele, for robbing Beyoncé at the 2017 Grammys. (I know she broke the Grammy in half, but still)
  148. 148. Are we ready to forgive Abby Lee Miller?
  149. 149. “Type A” personality types
  150. 150. “Type B” personality types
  151. 151. Red 40
  152. 152. Lindsey Lohan
  153. 153. Rue from Euphoria
  154. 154. Warren G. Harding
  155. 155. Ice Spice
  156. 156. Gollum
  157. 157. Froyo
  158. 158. Yoko Ono
  159. 159. Purses that can’t hold anything
  160. 160. Your average SolidCore Instructor  
  161. 161. Honey Boo Boo
  162. 162. Tony Soprano
  163. 163. Long John Silvers
  164. 164. Gritty of the Philadelphia Flyers
  165. 165. Vogue, for deeming 2026 “The Year of the Crack.”
  166. 166. Charli xcx’s 2022 album Crash
  167. 167. LinkedIn influencers
  168. 168. That raccoon that got too drunk at the liquor store
  169. 169. Hannah from HBO’s Girls  
  170. 170. Marnie from HBO’s Girls  
  171. 171. Shoshanna from HBO’s Girls  
  172. 172. Notice how I didn’t say Jessa…
  173. 173. Ray from HBO’s Girls  
  174. 174. Standing desks
  175. 175. Live, Laugh, Love
  176. 176. Eat, Pray, Love
  177. 177. The Fila Destoyers
  178. 178. The guy in the yoga class who grunts and moans. Let it out, I guess.
  179. 179. Aaron Burr or something IDK I didn’t pay attention during Hamilton.
  180. 180. Alexander Hamilton 
  181. 181. Cauliflower. I’m sorry they tried to make you pizza crust.
  182. 182. Cauliflower. I’m sorry they tried to make you rice.
  183. 183. Cauliflower. I’m sorry they tried to make you chicken wings.
  184. 184. Paris Hilton
  185. 185. The Hilton hotel chain
  186. 186. Fort Lauderdale
  187. 187. Wendy Williams
  188. 188. Pumpkin Spice Lattes  
  189. 189. George Santos
  190. 190. Skylar White
  191. 191. Notice how I didn’t say Walter White…
  192. 192. Club Chalamet
  193. 193. Kale
  194. 194. Grimace
  195. 195. Gayle King, for her role in the girl-boss Blue Origin space trip
  196. 196. Girl math
  197. 197. Girl dinner
  198. 198. Monica Lewinsky—She has a podcast now!
  199. 199. The penny. RIP!
  200. 200. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
  201. 201. Banksy
  202. 202. Gym bros
  203. 203. Disney adults
  204. 204. Backseat drivers—Their anxiety is valid.  
  205. 205. Emerald Fennel
  206. 206. Vlad the Impaler
  207. 207. Zach Braff and Donald Faison from the prison that is their T-Mobile commercial contract
  208. 208. And on that note—Jennifer Garner, you are free to leave the Capital One Café at any time. 
  209. 209. Bonnie
  210. 210. Clyde
  211. 211. Ryan Seacrest
  212. 212. Cringe
  213. 213. The “gold” flavor of Four Loko
  214. 214. The Times Square Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. 
  215. 215. The Dimes Square Dimes 
  216. 216. Macadamia nut milk
  217. 217. Pistachio milk 
  218. 218. Cashew cheese
  219. 219. Pickle-flavored everything
  220. 220. The Fyre Festival
  221. 221. Mr. Beast’s Beef Jerky Sticks 
  222. 222. The “mother” of kombucha, aka SCOBY (Symbiotic Culture Of Bacteria and Yeast)
  223. 223. The $30 smoothies from Erewhon
  224. 224. Shrek (2001)
  225. 225. Shrek 2 (2004)
  226. 226. Shrek the Third (2007)
  227. 227. Shrek Forever After (2010)
  228. 228. The Rizzler
  229. 229. Aspertame
  230. 230. The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
  231. 231. Anna Delvey 
  232. 232. Hammurabi 
  233. 233. Eve, of the bible
  234. 234. Jezebel, of the bible!
  235. 235. Jezebel dot com, of the internet!!!!
  236. 236. Angelina Jolie, for what she did to Jennifer Aniston 
  237. 237. Twitter.com 
  238. 238. Ashley Tisdale, of toxic mom lore
  239. 239. Hillary Duff, of toxic mom lore
  240. 240. Mandy Moore, of toxic mom lore
  241. 241. Meghan Trainor, yet another member of the toxic mom lore
  242. 242. Jeggings
  243. 243. Asbestos
  244. 244. TJ Maxx
  245. 245. Pharell’s hat
  246. 246. Meghan Markle 
  247. 247. Are you seriously still there? 
  248. 248. The Beckham Family–make up already!
  249. 249. The ‘Let Them’ Theory by Mel Robbins

And finally…

250. Chappell Roan. She never even punched that child. 

You’re all free to go. Good luck, and don’t. Fuck. It. Up.

 
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