Wealthy Cuckhold Wants Instructions for Keeping His Cheating Wife From Taking the Money They Stole Together

Sometimes, when I am not feeling crippling anxiety about my six-figure student debt and four-figure medical bills, I experience nibbles of guilt about the fact that I spend more time figuring out how to file paperwork allowing me to delay payment of these things than I do considering actually paying them. These inclinations toward bothersome, rule-following behavior are why I am grateful for content like Market Watch, wherein rich people remind me that dodging financial obligations is actually one the absolute classiest things I can do.

Take, for example, this absolute fucking gem of a letter to someone called “The Moneyist,” I guess the financial sector’s iteration of an agony aunt, wherein the letter writer explains that he and his wife have spent years hiding their assets in order to avoid paying taxes on their accountant’s advice and now that his wife is leaving him for her “pandemic boyfriend,” she’s now attempting to steal from him more than her fair cut of the money the two of them jointly stole from schools, social programs, and community building as well as fraudulently-claimed unemployment benefits during the pandemic:

“I say she’s only entitled to our joint retirement, properties and holdings, and half of our joint business assets,” the letter reads, in part. “She has an equal amount of assets in her own name. All our children are out of the home, done with college or secondary school and/or married. Yes, I know. This sounds ridiculous and yes, I know, we could both be in jail. I recommended no one do any digging, but she’s adamant that she gets more, and damn the consequences of both our actions during the marriage to mutually defraud the government.”

In his amused response, the Moneyist declares this a common problem (the fraud, not the affair, though I’m assuming it can be both) among the wealthy, referring to statistics that say tax evasion has risen 20 percent among the one percent in recent years and just 7 percent among the poors. And while I was inclined to dislike the Moneyist on principle, the advice, to get a new accountant, combined with the columnists clear instinct to not give a shit what happens to either of these people have completely changed my mind.

Moneyist, if you’ve got any advice for avoiding my debts both legally and indefinitely, please consider this blog both my apology for assuming the worst of you and my submission to your advice column.