No Self-Respecting Gay Couple Would Have Pizza at Their Wedding

In Depth

Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana has taken a stand: They’ll serve gay people if they must, but they’re not going to cater gay weddings because it’s against their religion. What’s not against their religion? Being dumb enough to believe a gay couple would have greasy-ass Indiana pizza at their wedding.

Frankly, I am not offended that the O’Connors, who own the pizza parlor in question (and are the first business to publicly deny service to homosexuals) don’t want to serve pizza at my gay wedding. Thanks to Indiana’s ludicrous new law that “protects” “freedom of religion,” it is their legal right to refuse service to people based on a chosen sexual lifestyle. Kevin O’Connor, the patriarch of the Memories Pizza family says that he chooses to be heterosexual, which is a decision I assume he came to after trying both gay and straight sex and finding the latter most satisfying as opposed to just talking out of his ass, which, incidentally is something I saw happen in a gay porno once.

What I am offended by, however, is the fact that the O’Connors are so out of touch with reality that they assume anyone, much less a gay couple who has valiantly fought for the right to marry in the face of the overwhelming bigotry supplied by not only the American people at large but also by the O’Connors of Memories Pizza and the state of Indiana itself, would have pizza at their wedding.

Here’s what Crystal O’Connor, another owner of Memories Pizza told ABC 57:

“We are a Christian establishment,” says O’Connor.
The O’Connor family prides themselves in owning a business that reflects their religious beliefs.
“We’re not discriminating against anyone, that’s just our belief and anyone has the right to believe in anything,” says O’Connor.
So, when Governor Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law, the family was not disappointed.
“We definitely agree with the bill,” says O’Connor.

That is the truth! And because Crystal O’Connor of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana says she can believe in anything she wants, I’m going to add my own belief to the mix: Crystal O’Connor is a fucking idiot and her pizza tastes like shit piped directly out of the anus of a pig who has eaten the remains of another pig and also poop. I haven’t ever tried their pizza, but since we can believe anything, I just wanted to throw that in there.

(Here is another thing I believe: That the president and other high-ranking officials in our government — and, in fact, all the governments of the world — are actually lizard people sent here from another planet to take over this world and enslave us. But that’s another post for another time.)

My beliefs, common as they are, are not what’s important here. What’s important is the message we send back to Crystal O’Connor, Kevin O’Connor and every other O’Connor who has anything to do with Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana: GIRL, NONE OF US EVEN WANT YOUR PIZZA. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A WEDDING? YOU SERVE YOUR GUESTS THE LEFTOVERS FROM THE SENIOR SPECIAL AT THE BEST WESTERN FOR DINNER BEFORE YOU SERVE THEM PIZZA!

Actually, let me be more helpful. Here’s a list of foods I would rather have at my wedding than Pizza from Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana:

  1. Food that comes from a reputable caterer and is appropriate to the occasion of a Parisian Carnival-themed wedding, which is not something that Memories Pizza would be able to provide. Acceptable thematic treats includes tiny baguettes, some kind of quiche and cheesecake in the shape of a clown to delight adults and frighten children.
  2. Food that does not come from a reputable caterer but from any restaurant that is not Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. This includes any restaurant that does not serve pizza but serves some kind of food, like sushi (from the delicious shores of the Indiana seas) or Whoppers (which, let’s be honest, everyone loves).
  3. The chocolate/orange marmalade concoction that served to make the fecal matter “the children ate” in Salo.
  4. Soylent Green, provided that none of it was made from anyone related to the owners or relatives of the owners of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana.
  5. The desecrated body of the world’s oldest human, gently fried to a delicious golden crisp.
  6. Nothing, which is actually the most insulting thing you can do at a wedding. I once went to a wedding where the only thing served was “appeteazers” and I still hate that couple and wish nothing but death and divorce upon them, but probably not in that order. But I’d still serve nothing rather than serve pizza, especially pizza from Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. In fact, if my guests demanded food and the only place left open in the world was Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana I wouldn’t even try to convince them to sell me a pizza for my wedding because I would rather be ripped apart by wild dogs than serve pizza at my wedding, which will be classy and fun and happen entirely in a striped tent festooned with twinkling white lights if my partner has his way.
  7. Three medium Domino’s pizzas, which I’ve purchased for five dollars each and are guaranteed to taste better than the pizzas made at Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana because they’re only full of preservatives and not hate. But only if a riot broke out, because, again, you don’t serve pizza at a wedding unless you want people to look at you funny at the gloryholes.

In closing, I would like to say that the fine people at Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana can keep their “straights only” pizza and shove it in the places into which Kevin O’Connor would never think of shoving anything because he is not a homosexual, he is a heterosexual, which is a thing he has chosen to be because he is a man of god and knows that doing butt stuff is wrong. Also: Since the O’Connor family of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana like to get together and pray before opening the store (they accept prayer requests as well), I would appreciate if if they prayed for a) more acceptance and understanding, which is the Christian way, and b) For Crystal O’Connor, pictured above, to look at her TV appearance and reflect on both the combination of blue shirt and green jacket she chose to wear on broadcast television, as well as the decisions leading up to her belief that anyone (but especially herself) could pull off that “clasp at the neckline” look that I’ve never seen before and hope to never see again.

Thank you.

Unfortunate image of Crystal O’Connor via ABC 57.

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