When I Came Out: Three Girls Tell Their Stories About Being Gay In College
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You know what’s kind of funny about sexuality? It’s surprisingly tough to talk about. Sex, that’s easy (although certainly you could argue that, well, why talk about it…) Actions are simple and straightforward like that.
But sexuality isn’t just about what you do; it’s about who you are. An infinitely trickier topic.
It would be a challenge, even in some kind of super safe, isolated chamber filled only with supportive loved ones, for a girl to come out. Female homosexuality is a topic around which our culture still gets awfully skittish. Sure, we’ve embraced gay guys, at least on a superficial level (they can be your best friends! Or pretend to be straight and promiscuous! OMG loves it!) if not a meaningful one. When presented with gay girls, though, it’s like our brains go on lockdown. Is she just saying she’s a lesbian because guys think it’s hot? Going through an undergrad “experimental” phase, like our parents did with acid? She doesn’t look like a lesbian-as if, like for preppies, there is actually a guide for that. And so on.
There’s no pretending that we can all, say, watch the Ellen show every day until forever and all the stigma and stereotypes will vanish. But by talking to individual girls about their lives, by getting down to what is true for three students at three different schools, we can try to reveal more than our own preconceived notions about what it means to be a girl and be gay. We can see something real, in the words of the college women who have learned – and are still learning from – experience.
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Elena*, University of Pennsylvania
“I sort of came out when I was in my junior year of high school. I went to an all girls private school in the Upper East Side, in Manhattan. My religion had deterred me from coming out earlier. I never wanted to come out to my parents; we aren’t that close. My dad is super liberal, but my mom is more religious. They found out because, well, my parents kind of went through my stuff, and I’ll end it there…I don’t want to push that with them.”
They’re in the denial phase right now. I never actually told my [14-year-old] brother that I was gay, but for about two years that I was gay he would always say stuff like, “You’re such a lesbian.” And he didn’t even realize it.
It’s usually the case [that it’s easier for guys than girls to be out]. Straight girls… thought it was cool to have gay guy friends but not lesbian friends. But it’s like, what’s the difference?
Before college, I really tried to play it off, like I was the straight girl with all the boyfriends. So I think when I came out, some people were surprised.
The LGBT community was kind of a factor when I looked at schools. I was also looking at women’s colleges, like Smith. Penn was ranked #1 gay friendly school by The Advocate [a national gay and lesbian news magazine]. It’s a really good gay scene for guys but there are, like, five lesbians here.
It takes longer for girls to realize [their sexuality]. A lot of lesbians I know didn’t come out until college. It may be a social acceptance thing. I think, from a young age, I thought, “I’m going to get married to a guy we’re going to have kids, the nuclear family.” It didn’t just occur to me, not to want that, and girls have the image, too.
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