As the Royal Kersploosh draws ever nearer, womb-watchers are beginning to wager on what Kate and Willz will name the new little thingy. Will it be something traditional? Avant-garde? A family name? An unpronounceable string of Zapf Dingbats? Will they just let a corgi walk on the keyboard and go with that? (Pleeeeeease!!!) I don’t know, but it seems like a SUPER RELIABLE WAY TO MAKE SOME CASH. But the wagerers aren’t really what I want to talk about today. I’d like to shed light on an important detail oft overlooked by expecting parents: the what-puns-can-the-asshole-kids-at-school-make-out-of-your-kid’s-name factor.
As a human being who expends approximately 90% of my energy making fart puns and the other 10% attempting to restrain myself from making fart puns, I feel qualified to address this very real danger. So I took it upon myself to vet the public’s favorite royal baby names (culled from suggestions here and here) and analyze which ones are at the highest risk for rhyming with butt-monster. If you have a baby on the way, I suggest printing this out. And if the royal family would like to fly me over for a personal consultation, I require Ambien for the plane and my favorite flavor of San Pellegrino is Aranciata.
Anyway, let’s do this. (The following reflects the views of the imaginary palace bully I made up. Not the author.)
Princess Isabelle
More like: Princess JIZZ-a-SMELL,
Example: “You are a princess who smells like jizz.”
Prince James
More like: Prince Lames, Gaymes, Shames, Flames (because gay again), Haymes (because you’re like a bale of hay?), Claims (not to be a gay hay-bale), James Woods, James Cameron, James Madison, James Van Der GEEK.
Example: “Hey, LAMES Cameron! Though the special effects were rousing, I thought Avatar was nothing more than a derivative, masturbatory imperialist fantasy rooted in internalized white supremacy the infantilization of the ‘noble savage’ archetype. And also YER GAY.”
Princess Ermentrude
More like: Incest Sperm-in-food!!!
Example: “Hey, Incest Sperm-in-food. You’ve got sperm in your food. Because I put it there. With my penis. Also, for the purposes of this schoolyard taunt, we are related. Get it? Incest Sperm-in-food. (Nailed it.)”
Princess Tabitha
More like: Stink-cess Flabitha. Of WHALES.
Example: “Hey, Stink-cess Flabitha of Whales. If you like slowly decomposing on a beach while anaerobic microorganisms devour your blubber so much, why don’t you MARRY IT!?”
Prince Stewart
More like: Prince Poo-fart, Doo-shart, Goo-art, Paul Blart (England Cop).
Example: “Hahahahahahahahahahahaaahahaha IT’S LIKE A STEW MADE OUT OF FARTS AND IT’S YOUR NAME.”
Princess Sally
More like: Ummmm…more like Princess Bally TOTAL FITNESS is where YOU should be spending more time because you’re FAT.
Example: “Hey, Princess Sally-more-like-Bally-TOTAL-FITNESS-is-where-YOU-should-be-spending-more-time-because-you’re-FAT—NICE UNIBROW.”
Prince Philip
More like: Prince Krill-lip (because your lip looks like a krill).
Example: “Hey Prince Krill-lip, am I whale? Because something’s making me want to filter your face through my balene.”
Princess Frances
More like: Princess Pantsless, Abscess, Clam-piss, Flan-less (YOU PROMISED THE DINNER PARTY A FLAN).
Example: “Where’s my flan, dickhead?”
Image via Associated Press