Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Money On This Holiday?


Welcome to a Very Special Episode of Midweek Madness, in which we have very little patience for crappy, recycled gossip and really just want to sleep late and eat sweet potato pie.

Since we’re feeling distracted by turkeys, traveling and TSA gropes, this speed-round version of our tabloid roundup will just focus on what really matters: Which of these crappy mags you should buy to get you through a holiday weekend with your drunk, bawdy aunt who uses inappropriate language. Let’s begin.

Life & Style
“Baby News”
Inside: In case you missed it, Real Housewife Kim Zolciak is pregnant. No, we don’t know why Kendra’s baby is wearing sunglasses. Kim was asked what it was like to see herself meeting her man Kroy Biermann on an episode of RHOA. She said: “Kroy couldn’t stop laughing about how I commented on his tight butt. You know, it’s such a blessing to have it all on camera. The baby will be able to see the moment his or her parents actually met. Who can say that?” Yes, watching your mom tell your dad he has a nice ass is a blessing indeed! Lastly, January Jones has “lost her curves,” so we should all start to panic.

You should buy it if: You’re the kind of person who likes lifting the lid on the toilet, throwing money in and flushing. Seriously, don’t buy Life & Style this week.

Grade: F (un-thawed turkey meat)

“William & Kate Wedding Special.”
Inside: As you will see in a blue banner at the top of the cover, this is the “Official Magazine Of The Royals.” Damn. Those royals aim low! A sidebar by “one of the world’s leading interviewers,” (?) Daphne Barak, reads, “Many of those closest to William tell me the proposal happened because Kate hasn’t made any royal mistakes or fallen into any traps.” Ha! We are completely willing to believe that the Queen is Data from The Goonies, setting up metal bear traps and digging pits and covering them with moss so that commoners will fall in. Just FYI, the “Exclusive Twilight’s Hottest Love Scene” story has the same pictures that were in this same magazine last week. But we did laugh at the article featuring a lovely picture of Ms. Aniston, titled “She Looks Amazing: Jen’s 1,283rd Perfect Hair Day In A Row.”

You should buy it if: You’re doing research on eligible princes — some good photos for stalking appear on page 41 (see image 7). We’ll take Dubai and Sweden, based on looks alone. Sorry, Monaco and Luxembourg. Money isn’t everything! (We also think Nicholas Sarkozy’s son Jean is hot, but that is neither here nor there.)

Grade: F (burned stuffing)

“The Making Of A New Princess”
Inside: The Kate Middleton coverage here is pretty standard fare, although we did learn that Prince Harry was actually in possession of his mother’s engagement ring and Prince William had to ask him for it — but Prince Harry was “thrilled” to hand it over. Although Princess Diana’s friend says Diana wanted William to have it. In other news, Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez are back on. And finally, Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal stayed together at an $8,000 a night suite at the Dorchester in London. Apparently: “It was a love-in.”

You should buy it if: You’re into old pictures of Princess Diana. There are 13 lovely, colorful wedding photos from 1981. Not newsy, but, you know. Quaint.

Grade: F (soggy pie crust)

In Touch
“Eva’s Agony: It’s Worse Than She Knows.”
Inside: Tony Parker is a valued customer at San Antonio’s fanciest men’s club, The Palace. Apparently he has spent a lot of time with one specific stripper, a “diminutive Mediterranean-esque beauty.” She once gave both Eva and Tony a lap dance, but Tony continued to visit the club after the marriage, and he and this lady would go to the VIP room together. The magazine claims: “No one knows for certain what Tony does when he enters the VIP area.” Snorts Pixi Stix? Plays the spoons? Dresses up like a baby? Also: “He would make friends with the girls [at the club] and even buy them gifts.” Since women cannot ever be alone, Eva is adopting a baby after the divorce. Allegedly. In other news, Rihanna is turning into the Little Mermaid (see image 8). Jennifer Aniston is “hooked on Mr. Wrong” since she is now dating Harry Morton, who is 12 years younger. A “friend” who is not a very good friend at all, says, “Jen was hurt so much by Brad that she will never remarry. She says she wants to, but deep down she’s so messed up that’s never going to happen.” Taylor Swift has “dropped” all of her friends so she can hang out with Jake Gyllenhaal. Is this relationship really real? A “friend” says: “When she was dating Taylor Lautner or John Mayer, she would still make time for her friends. Now no one hears from her.” Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick got engaged last week in New York, but it’s all for the cash! And the show! E! will pay them $500,000 for the wedding rights, and that’s just one of many deals. And. Oh. Hey: Kim Kardashian got felt up by the TSA (see image 9). Stars are just like us! Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson are both getting super skinny for their weddings, if you care. Jessica wants to be size zero, like she was when she played Daisy Duke. Lastly, things are going swimmingly for Marilyn Monroe duck (see image 10).

You should buy it if:
You care deeply about the details of Tony Parker’s stripper habits. Otherwise don’t bother.

Grade: D- (canned cranberry sauce still in the shape of the can)

“The Real Kate.”
The cover story uses old pictures of Kate Middleton — from a 2006 boat vacation, childhood portraits and the like. There’s even a baby picture! Moving on: Did you know that Jenny McCarthy and Melissa McCarthy of Mike & Molly and Gilmore Girls are first cousins? A “source” says Melissa used to weight 120lbs. But after gaining 100 lbs, she landed the role of Sookie on Gilmore Girls. What else? Kristen Stewart wants a boob job, and Robert Pattinson is trying to talk her out of it. In Eva Longoria news, on November 10, Eva tracked down Tony Parker’s alleged mistress Erin Barry in an airport parking lot, and the “had it out right then and there, in public.” Erin “kept her composure” and denied an affair. Eva broke down in tears. Lastly: Sandra Bullock is in the process of adopting another kid, and wants a girl this time.

You should buy it if:
You like funny/unflattering pictures of celebrities. There’s a 12-page special section called Beauty & Body Bloopers, which includes Elizabeth Banks picking her wedgie; Pauly D, Ethan Hawke and Björk picking their noses, a very detailed enlargement of Mischa Barton’s cold sore, and J-Woww’s horrifying boob job scar (see image 11). Sure, there’s some sexist shit (Angelina Jolie has veins, THE HORROR) but it’s better than the snoozefests the other mags are serving up.

Grade: D+ (seconds)

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