Why You Should Never, Ever Trust Tom Hanks Under Any Circumstance


In a stirring coup for people who want to hate the president but don’t want to actually think about any stuff ever, the venerable Reader’s Digest did a poll (BINDING) and discovered that Tom Hanks—not Barack Obama, like you totally thought!!!—is the #1 most trusted man in America. Where did the stupid president come in? Number 65. Buuuuuuuuuurnz.

Other celebrities who are more trustworthy than the president (according to 1000 people who don’t have anything better to do but pick up the phone when Reader’s Digest calls to talk about nonsense) include: Sandra Bullock, Dr. Mehmet Oz, Alex Trebek, Muhammad Ali, Melinda Gates, Denzel Washington, Meryl Streep, Michelle Obama (buuuurnz x 2!), a silent fart, Jordy the rapping French baby, Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows, and moss. It is written: Alex Trebek will never tell anyone about your abortion, not even in the form of a question.

But let’s talk about #1. Tom Hanks. The big guy. The man Reader’s Digest thinks you should trust, unwaveringly, with all of your secrets. Sounds like a stand-up dude, right? Sounds like the kind of bro whose skylight you should probably parachute through for solace the next time you’re having a hard time because your sister passive-aggressively let all your succulents die when you were out of town, right???

Well, don’t rewrite your will quite yet, leaving all of your children to Tom Hanks in the event that you die in an emotional parachuting accident (I don’t really know how laws work, but how hilarious would it be if everyone in America did that!? BEST PRANK EVER INVOLVING ORPHANS AND MASS DEATH). Because I’ve done some deep Hollywood digging and discovered the truth about your beloved Hanks.

What do we really know about Tombert Hanks and all of his supposed precious trustworth?

Tom Hanks is a 12-year-old boy who is married to Rita Wilson.

Tom Hanks cheated on Rita Wilson with her own brother, who is a volleyball.

Tom Hanks’s birth name is Donald Trump.

Tom Hanks said he was an experienced cat-sitter, but he left the screen door open and my cat got out, so he tried to replace it with a dead nutria that he found out on the edge of the septic drain field and then spray-painted orange. Smooth move, Hanks, until my CAT CAME BACK.

Tom Hanks claims to be a terrifying dead-faced train conductor who is best friends with Santa. In actuality, they only kind of know each other.

Tom Hanks would like you to believe that this is his real hair. It’s not. It is a wig made out of Nicolas Cage’s real hair.

Tom Hanks once promised Robert Loggia that he would “pause the game” while Loggia went to get more Sunny D. When Loggia returned, Hanks had taken all of Toad’s mushroom houses for himself and was just Tanooki-suiting all over the place like a smug fucking dick.

Tom Hanks told everybody about Alex Trebek’s abortion.

Tom Hanks is Barack Obama in whiteface.

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