Wine Milkshakes Are a Thing Now

In Depth

If you were to put together a list of “Foods That Sound Really Good at 3 AM After Your Fourth White Russian,” where would the concept of a Wine Milkshake rank? For one company, apparently high enough that they’re making this window into terrible decision-making a reality.

Remember Red Robin? They’re the winners of the coveted Not Nearly As Shitty as Applebee’s award for the past five years, and they’ve just come out with the Mango Muscato Wine Shake, which is going to retail for $7.49 a glass.

Ohhh, man, Red Robin. Way to trap me in a glass case of emotion here. On the one hand, I love Moscato, because I drink like a particularly prissy 15 year-old, mango-flavored anything is delicious, and I have a proven track record of making horrible decisions when it comes to food. On the other hand, it’s a goddamn wine milkshake, what the fuck is wrong with me.

The first hand starts to win out, though, when I see quotes like the following in the article. This is absolutely real:

“It’s alcohol on training wheels,” says Bruce Lee Livingston, executive director of Alcohol Justice. “It’s an attempt to get a younger market drinking…they’re just trying to find ways to get people to consume more alcohol,” he says. “It’s about the money.”

Well…yes. That’s kind of the entire basis of trade. A business puts out a product hoping customers will buy it, and if customers buy it in sufficient amounts, that product is a success. Alcohol is a particularly effective product for this purpose, since it impairs one’s judgment enough to think that other products (like, say, more Mango Muscato WineShakes) sound like an awesome idea, and possibly results in that customer dancing shirtless on a table. But enough about why I’m no longer allowed into the FSK Mall Red Robin in Frederick, MD.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t realize there were still people who thought the 18th Amendment was a fantastic success. Then again, if the anti-vaccination movement is a thing, I guess it just shows some people will believe any stupid fucking idea.

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