'Women For Herman Cain' Is A Thing That Actually Exists

By Erin Gloria Ryan | December 2, 2011 | 8:30pm

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In response to allegations that Herman Cain is a philandering gropemaster, his campaign has launched a new Women For Herman Cain section on its website. On it, female supporters of the Georgia businessman are encouraged to share their stories and leave messages of support. And it’s hilarious.

First, the site is totally welcoming for ladies, in a way that someone who doesn’t know anything about ladies would try to make something welcoming. There’s purple! There’s a stock photo of a group of racially diverse but universally thin women giving an enthusiastic thumbs up. The About section was written by Gloria Cain, his wife, because wives are supposed to be the ones to talk to the ladies. The font is loopy and slanty, because ladies hate serifs.

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But the site really gets awesome when you get to the part where female Herman Cain supporters claim that the women who accused the candidate of sexual impropriety are just jealous because they don’t have husbands. That they’re pathetic gold digging not-real women who are just out to hurt people’s feelings and ruin lives, because that’s what any woman who accuses any man of sexual harassment must be doing.

Female Herman Cain supporters have got a lot to say, in the same way that the comment section on a Fox News story has a lot to say.

Barbara Dayan of Nimporo, CA thinks that anyone who accuses Herman Cain of sexual harassment must be a jealous harlot man thief.

Dear Mrs. Cain Don’t pay attention to these pathetic husbandless women who are jealous of women like you in happy long-term marriages. These vindictive women can’t find a husband or keep one. They are like stalkers who try to latch on to any man who shows a bit of kindness or attention to them. When these unstable women come out of the woodwork to make accusations about Herman just say, “Honey, get a life, I believe my husband.” We want you to be our First Lady Mrs. Cain!

Fun fact: “Honey, get a life, I believe my husband” is the official motto of women who are in denial that their husbands have had affairs.

Angela Schudy of Nixa, Missouri chimes in,

I believe these “women” are looking for money and attention and have been groomed by the “Demonacrats” to be a bunch of bad actress’. The Left is desperate and they are low enough to break the law and lie.

Au contaire, Angela. Demonocrats are grooming women to grow cloven feet and convene with Satan, not Herman Cain.

Margeaux Melby of South Carolina agrees that anyone who accused Herman Cain of anything must be a famewhore.

It’s pathetic and shameful women are so desperate for their five minutes of fame that they would position themselves against the greatest potential president Americans could be blessed enough to have. I am a proud supporter of you and you should never let these despondent attempts of sabotaging your campaign affect you.

But that’s not all!

I am a 66 year old female architect in the State of Texas, and want to simply say… as a REAL woman I do not believe for one second any of these “women” that have crawled out from under a rock somewhere to defame you and bring pain to you and your family. They are pitiful creatures at the very least, and evil at the most. Isn’t it convenient that they have suddenly become offended by supposed advances by you now after all these years, my goodness, poor babies, how have they been able to bare up under the pain for all these oh so many years… LIARS, LIARS, LIARS…GO GET THEM HERMAN AND PLEASE DO NOT QUIT!!!!

Well thank god we’ve finally gotten the input of an actual, genuine woman (who appears to be in the middle of an exorcism, maybe because she was possessed by a Demoncrat). Case closed!

Speaking of the devil, some people think that The Evil One himself is behind the efforts to sabotage the Cain campaign. Says Karla Heidt of Texas,

I do not believe a single one of the “women” who have accused you. I believe you to be a God-fearing man who loves his wife and children. Don’t let Satan and his demons win.

And then the ellipses abuse starts.

Hello, Herman Cain, you need to focus about this America” and don’t even listen to all this women ,that they don’t have nothing good to say about you… they they are money hungry… and women like this, Don’t care or don’t have no “SHAME to go on TV…to use lies, for money…somebody has been paying this women. They make me sick to my stomach…..they need to start digging a hole on the ground n till they rich china’

I had no idea until today that putting something in quotation marks was a way to express derision for that thing. Or, a “way” to “express” “derision” for that “thing.”

From these testimonials, a few things are clear: Herman Cain supporters are terrible at using punctuation and questionable at spelling. They are united in their hatred for the women who have accused Cain of being anything but a saint. And they’re assholes.

Update: The very enthusiastic lady Cain supporters cheesing and giving site visitors a thumbs up are brought to you by our friends at stock photo service Shutterstock. They’re probably also selling timeshares somewhere. Or maybe the ONE WEIRD TRICK to a flat stomach that some area mom discovered on banner ads.

Herman Cain launches Women for Cain with brutal attacks on husbandless accusers [TPM]