Your Boyfriend Joseph Gordon-Levitt Cast In The New Batman Film

The Internet’s panties simultaneously moistened upon hearing the news that former hallucinating Angels fan/ lovestruck teenager who crushes on a girl with seriously questionable taste in prom dresses/ jaw-droppingly hot man looking stern in a suit Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be playing bad guy Alberto Falcone in the new Batman: Gravelvoice Knight movie. But how will you and your long-time brainsexfriend make time for each other during the busy shooting schedule? [HuffPo]
Like a flailing half-hour sitcom, Kim Kardashian is keeping people paying attention to her by having a wedding. Or, rather, of fueling speculation that she may soon get married to boyfriend Kris Humphries, which is perfect because his first name starts with a K and he’s totally all about the next sitcommy attention grabbing antics that Kim has planned for their lives together- having a baby, going on a trip to Europe, having an entire Wizard of Oz themed episode and realizing at the end that it was a dream the whole time, and going to space. May sweeps are coming up! [ONTD]
Speaking of talentless people doing things for attention, Sarah Palin, mother of Dancing With The Stars runner-up Bristol Palin gave a speech about foreign policy at a conference in India. The crowd in attendance reported that she seemed nice, but not extremely knowledgeable. And Time reported on it, this matter of national security wherein a US television personality sounded kind of dumb overseas. [Time]
Chad Ochocinco (I thought he changed his last name back to Johnson? I’m behind on my nutty athlete antics news) claims he could totally play Major League Soccer, no problem. Because it’s never embarrassing when athletes who are really awesome at one sport try to be equally awesome at another sport. Remember when Michael Jordan tried to play for the White Sox? Remember when Lamar Odom tried to keep up with the Kardashians? You’re only going to embarrass yourself, bro. [NYT]
Nicki Minaj is being considered as a candidate to judge the US version of X-Factor. She’s like Simon Cowell, except she’s a magical pink space robot and instead of insulting poor performances, she creates freestyle Lil’ Kim diss tracks with no regard to the quality of the performance. [Digital Spy]
Something about Blaine going to McKinley High on Glee? I hope they don’t have to red shirt him for a year in order for him to be eligible to sing in their chronically at-risk show choir that always is wearing suspiciously expensive performance costumes. Has it occurred to anyone that the glee club is probably some kind of front for a meth lab run exclusively by musically gifted high schoolers? [ONTD]
A French blogger who posted nakie pictures of female stars has gone into hiding. If I know anything about France (and, trust me, I don’t), we’ll be able to smoke him out with a combination of cheese, linguistic snobbery, and a ground invasion. [NYP]
Tiger Woods’s penis has decided to start dating again. Someone likes blondes. [Daily Mail]
A comedienne has posted a Funny or Die parody that combines a decent impression of Jennifer Aniston (impressive!) with a shooting fish in a barrel style impression of Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen jokes: there’s a gif for that. [Funny or Die]
Chris Brown definitely was not promoting his “comeback album” (or, as I like to call it, his “go away” album) when he totally accidentally leaked a full-frontal nude shot of him. If it was deliberate, it’s a brilliant strategy, as nothing makes me (or any woman, really) want to buy music than seeing a singer’s penis. It’s almost Pavlovian, a reflexive function of the brain stem, a survival mechanism residual from our caveman days. See penis, buy music. Tale as old as time. [Digital Spy]
Justin Bieber reminds Chris Brown of Chris Brown, muses Chris Brown, three-time world crown winner in the annual World’s Least Self-Aware Celebrities pageant. [Just Jared]
Christina Applegate is set to star in a new sitcom about a single mother trying to make ends meet with hilarious results. In response, the miniature Pat Robinson that lives inside my head instructed her to go back to her home on Whore Island. [Contact Music]
Wyclef Jean was shot in the hand in Haiti. Jean was reportedly in the country to support a presidential candidate. Nothing funny to say here, except that if you replaced “shot in the hand” with “hit in the jeans with a rotten tomato” and “Wyclef Jean” with “any member of the Black Eyed Peas,” I’d probably have laughed at this story. [NPR]