Your Dog Is Not Your Child
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The ongoing war between dog owners and kid owners is being raged anew in West Hollywood, where pissed pet parents are insisting that their furbabies deserve more space than human children in a brand new luxury park. They even have the mayor’s support.
To be clear: This isn’t a rant against people with dogs, or for people with kids, or vice versa. Nor is it an attempt to prove that one endeavor matters “more.” It’s a plea to get you to stop comparing the two as if they are in competition for Most Valid Form of Love, or for the same resources. Admit it: This whole thing is really just about park space.
Yes, dogs and children both need sunlight, fresh air, and a place to run around. They both shit in weird places, but kids only do that for a few years, and dogs will do that forever. Also, dogs can eat shit, but children, alas, cannot. As a result, it’s in the best interest of most people, including dog lovers, to limit that shit space to a minimum, or at least to areas where children will not be rolling around. It’s not a value judgment. As it stands, that shit- and piss-space is every square inch of unfenced greenery in Los Angeles, including every tiny little square around every single tree in Los Angeles.
In Los Angeles there are many many parks. There are fewer off-leash dog parks. People with dogs are always complaining about not just the lack of dog parks (which I get), but also the quality of the existing ones. Why is the people-park better than the dog-park? they ask, often when the people park has grass and the dog park has only dirt. The answer is simple, and it’s the same reason the cars, food, houses, and general life amenities are better. Dogs so far have not really expressed aesthetic preferences for grass over dirt, for Hemingway over Faulkner, for wine over beer, for cashmere over polyester. It’s the dog owners who care about this stuff. Also: Because the dogs are going to piss and shit everywhere.
This issue is not about dogs vs kids. That is a straw dog! Dogs and kids, though different, can live in harmony! It is about adult dog owners who want more stuff for their dogs and feel they can’t get it unless they insist the relationship is just like parenting a human. Dogs and kids are not the same thing! You don’t have to do that! So why must dog owners INSIST that it is the same thing? Duh: park space.
Case in point: West Hollywood, where we learn from the LA Times that excitement over the most badass new public park you have probably ever even imagined is being marred by dismay that there are three parks for kids and zero parks for dogs. To wit:
The city of West Hollywood has spared no expense in a lavish makeover of its central park. First came a chic library and rooftop tennis courts, to the tune of $61 million. Just approved is an additional $86 million in amenities, including two rooftop swimming pools, a $3-million “grand staircase” and a landscaped rooftop “respite deck.”
West Hollywood Park, officials say, will be an urban oasis the likes of which has never been seen. So why does the city’s mayor object to the new plans so much that he wants to see them revised?
The answer: too much room for children and not enough for dogs.
Get this: No one is saying there is too much room for a grand staircase, two rooftop pools, tennis courts, or a library. It’s the kids getting in the way here. The fucking kids! Straw dog!