You're Never Too Young For Ass-Sculpting Shoes That Don't Work


America is facing a crisis of unparalleled proportions: the asses of our little girls are not sufficiently toned. Who will save us from the specter of flabby pre-pubescent ass or the menace of little girls who don’t think they’re fat? Why, Sketchers, of course.

You may know Sketchers as the company that makes the problem area solving shoes for adults that don’t work. They’re also an aesthetic abomination that may cause you to roll your ankle, but people will buy anything that offers the faint promise of the appearance of physical fitness without the actual doing of physical work. They’ll also buy anything that promises to help parents live vicariously through their children, and what America’s parents want are hot daughters.

Breaking news from my head: Little girls should not worry about toning their thighs and butts. They have decades of adulthood to develop a fucked up enmity with their bodies; why can’t we give them their first decade of life free from the “You’re Fat, Ergo Buy This Product” cacophony.

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