Your Cut-and-Keep Guide for Navigating the Worst Conversations at the 4th of July BBQ This Year

If you’ve been peacefully living under a rock, I hate to be the one to break it to you—but on Saturday, Americans far and wide will be either celebrating, deliberately ignoring, or embracing anarchy for the (gulp!) 250th 4th of July.

While I’m no psychic (we have Claire for that!), I can guarantee we’re in for a few definitive things to happen this weekend. The White House will probably continue terrorizing D.C. with nothing to show for its party but an embarrassingly empty crowd; Martha Stewart will continue chipping away at her 250-person flag cake; and Taylor Swift will emerge from Madison Square Garden a married woman. Oh, and there will be a lot, a lot, of barbecues.

Now, putting aside for a moment the fact that the country is basically on fire and that more than 160 million are facing extreme heatwaves this weekend, many a’Americans will ~never~ pass up the much-loved tradition of gathering around the BBQ with friends and family. Per a 2025 poll conducted by YouGov, at least 48% of Americans celebrate Independence Day by hosting or attending barbecues—a statistic that goes up to 60% in the Northeast. 

As such, the likelihood of you, dear reader, ending up at one of these shindigs is not low—and even less unlikely is the chance of running into the same MAGA-infested, Grokipedia-curious, ex-Vice-reading crowd of relatives, neighbors, and friends that haunt you on Thanksgiving. So here’s for you a little primer on the subjects that might come up, who might be bringing them up, and elegant ways of either continuing or ending the conversation. 

The Empire State Building Couple

What happened: On Wednesday, two individuals who had already been the subject of a documentary film about their climbing “rooftopped” up 1,450 ft. to the needle of the Empire State Building in New York, and reportedly got engaged after unfurling a banner that read: “When the power of love beats the love of power the world knows peace.” They were subsequently arrested and arraigned on felony charges. 

Who brings it up: The one New Yorker in the room who often falls for publicity stunts. 

Continue the conversation: “If he could, he would. Right?”

End the conversation: “Calm it. They’re from New Jersey.”

“The AI”

What happened: I mean… it’s already happening.

Who brings it up: Your uncle, the self-published author.

Continue the conversation: “I just don’t know.”

End the conversation: “I, too, would love to stop thinking. But do you not feel this 90 deg. weather?”

Taylor Swift’s Wedding

What happened: As the new adage goes, your English teacher is tying the knot with your gym teacher.

Who brings it up: Your mother, who always needs to bring up people getting married who aren’t you. 

Continue the conversation: “Do you think Travis Kelce cried?”

End the conversation: “Oh, I forgot that was this weekend! Why don’t you put some of her songs on the speaker?”

The FIFA World Cup

What happened: It’ll officially have been 23 days since the World Cup began, and Americans are feeling a rare wave of hope amid 1) progressing to a knockout match against Belgium on Monday and 2) incredible vibes brought from the Europeans. 

Who brings it up: Your 1/14th French cousin who becomes a Francophile once every four years.

Continue the conversation: “That Mbappé, huh?”

End the conversation: “Remember when Gianni Infantino was in the Panama Papers?”

Love Island USA

What happened: The show has somehow made it to its whopping eighth season, and things in the villa are, naturally, getting crazier. Infamously, many of the contestants have been mispronouncing words or botching phrases—ie. saying “com-promise” instead of “compromise”; “epi-tome” instead of “epitome,” or “slow roast” instead of “slow burn.”

Who brings it up: The young neighbor who’s about to enroll in ASU.

Continue the conversation: “…”

End the conversation: (Note: amp up the boomer.) “Well, a roast is always better than a burn when it comes to barbecues! Har, har, har!”