Brad and Angelina's Secret Wedding Is Probs Not a Wedding

CelebritiesDirt Bag

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having a big, expensive party at their French chateau this weekend and everyone is speculating they’re going to get married even though they said it’s being thrown in honor of Brad’s parents Bill and Jane. “There’s a real buzz around the estate,” said their good friend Anonymous Source.

Guests include, um, the Pitts, the guy who made Angelina’s $250,000 diamond engagement ring, George Clooney, George Clooney’s smirk, and probably Brangelina’s six kids unless they have somewhere better to be. [Daily Mail]

Harper Collins has announced that Cameron Diaz is writing a book about health, wellness and lifestyle for young women that’s scheduled to be released in 2013. Hmm. I am sensing it will be Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP with 200% more pratfalling. [USA Today]

One month after the death of son Sage, Sylvester Stallone has another tragedy to contend with. The actor’s half-sister, Toni Ann Filiti, has been battling Stage 4 lung cancer as well as liver cancer, and took a turn for the worse a few weeks ago. She’s currently in critical condition at the UCLA hospital. There’s reportedly not much of a chance that she’ll make it, but the Stallone family is “praying for a miracle.” [Page Six]

The Kardashian/Jenner Horror Boogaloo continues jitterbugging frantically along as it’s revealed that Kris Jenner—previously accused of orchestrating the Kim/Ray-J sex tape, actually also had a hand in distribution rather than simply leaking it. She brought it to adult video companies and negotiated a deal with Vivid Entertainment for “somewhere between $250,000 and $500,000.” [RumorFix]

Meanwhile, Kris is pissed at Kanye West for titling his ode to Kim “Perfect Bitch,” telling him to “get a grip” and that “no woman should be called such a term.” Basically the blind leading the blind here. []

Joe Simpson and Kris Jenner could sit down and write a bang-up parenting book. The father of Jessica and Ashlee, arguably most famous for being an insane stage dad and talking too much to the press about Jessica Simpson’s tits (which, really, is talking about them at all), was pulled over on Ventura Boulevard and then thrown in jail overnight for a DUI. [TMZ]

“Zou Bisou Bizou” it ain’t: Mad Men‘s Jessica Paré joined Jesus and Mary Chain onstage to perform their best-known song “Just Like Honey.”

  • Ne-Yo made it rain on Drake’s stripper ex-girlfriend. [TMZ]
  • A lady dropped a lawsuit against Johnny Depp that originally claimed his bodyguards pulled her pants off. [TMZ]
  • Like most of us, Rita Ora considers Beyoncé magical. She hopes someday she can follow Bey’s lead: “a baby in one arm and a microphone in the other.” [Capital FM]
  • Roseanne Barr’s most recent vague presidential-nominee promise is that she’s gonna “outlaw bullshit.” [The Daily Beast]
  • David Duchovny’s gunning for a third X-Files movie, which will totally not help the rumors that he and Gillian Anderson are doing sex together. [Collider]
  • Christina Aguilera smells like hot dogs, swear to God.” [Bossip]
  • Mischa Barton and James Middleton are pals, not Bee-Eff/Gee-Eff. []
  • D.L. Hughley, former Chik-fil-a lover, wrote a disappointed letter to the establishment:
  • You say that gay marriage is a sin, like in Leviticus 19:22. But a preceding verse, Leviticus 17:14, says, “You must not eat the blood of any creature, because the life of every creature is its blood; anyone who eats it must be cut off.” You don’t cook your chicken in a kosher way. On what grounds are you picking and choosing which edicts to follow?
  • His postscript reads: “I would have written this on one of your fine napkins, but it was just too painful a reminder of the way we were.” [HuffPo]
  • Jennifer Lopez said she’s much more comfortable performing than she is judging American Idol. [NDTV]
  • David Schiwmmer sold his “Mediterranean paradise” for $8.8 million. [Monsters and Critics]
  • Heather Graham will reprise her role as Jade in The Hangover 3. [Variety]
  • Taylor Swift took Conor Kennedy home to meet her parents and they went to dinner and someone Tweeted a picture and I just want her to be happpppyyyyyyyy, gahhh. Daily Mail]
  • Nicole Polizzi wants Pauly Delvecchio in the room when she has her kid, AND SO DO I. [Us Weekly]
  • Rihanna flew five lucky fans out to Barbados for tea. [The Sun]
  • Mother Debbie Rowe approves of the guardianship of MJ’s kids being split between Katherine and TJ Jackson. [Toronto Sun]
  • Speaking of which, Michael Jackson believed that his pet chimp Bubbles could tell which of the people around him was using him for his money. [The Sun]
  • Goddammit. Victoria Beckham forgot to tip at a pizza place. GodDAMMIT. [The Sun]
  • Someone got sick on a flight and had to be escorted off the plane, which delayed the arrival of Ryan Reynolds’ tongue in Blake Lively’s mouth for a few hours. [Page Six]
  • Julie Delpy speaks out about the casting-couch culture in her native France: “I think I broke an ashtray on one director’s head.” [Page Six]
  • People are being assholes about Naomi Campbell’s receding hairline, apparently a result of years of extensions. [NYDN]
  • Saorsie Ronan will play the titular character in Mary Queen of Scots. [Deadline]
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