Watching Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!—experiencing Sharknado for the first time—I quickly learned that the first rule of Sharknado-watching is to never ask questions. Especially the all-important one: What am I watching? From what I knew of this cultural phenomenon secondhand, the SyFy Channel’s Sharknado TV-movie franchise has all the cognizant simplicity of a Disney Channel film. The titles alone (Sharknado 2: The Second One) suggest a frank self-awareness that’s in part a result of how instantly Zeitgeist these movies became, and how good they are at being so bad. For a franchise where the dialogue is the adult’s version of Dick & Jane, I know going into this third sequel that there’s no point overanalyzing or wondering why I’m choosing to indulge this goofy entertainment. This is just like all those times I watched That’s So Raven in college.
There’s not much I knew about Sharknado, other than the fact that people like it, it’s stupid, and it has tons of celebrities. Ian Ziering from 90210 is the star and hero of Sharknado, and Tara Reid plays his wife April, who also fights sharks. For most of the opening sequence for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No—before I learned to stop asking questions—I’m calling him Ian Ziering in my head: Why is Ian Ziering from 90210 running? Why is Ian Ziering running to the White House? Soon, I find out his character’s name is Finley, and it still takes me several minutes to realize the “shark” “fin” connection. Clueless and easily entertained, I’m truly the ideal Sharknado viewer.
To be fair, putting two-and-two together with this movie often involves throwing all logic out the door and realizing that much of what you put together will make no sense. This primer could be just one sentence: Sharks are attacking America. You need to know nothing else, because this is a movie where everyone helps out by identifying exactly who they are (“I am the Chief of Staff”), saying their feelings (“I really hate sharks”) and stating the obvious so you know what’s happening (“The Sharknado has pretty much destroyed everything in sight.”). It’s like Sharknado For Dummies: For Dummies. It’s unnecessary to even define a Sharknado. It’s a shark tornado.
Anyway, Fin is running. I know Fin is some sort of hero because 1) He’s running. 2) He speaks in a tone that’s a mix of Batman and simpleton Don Draper. 3) He gets a Presidential Medal of Freedom from the President of the United States, Mark Cuban, in the opening sequence. Here, I learn that in the previous Sharknado installments I missed, Fin saved New York and Los Angeles from the threat of shark storms. Of course, they’re not safe for long. A shark storm hits the White House. Fin kills the sharks with swords and chainsaws.
Whatever the plot was in the previous two Sharknado movies, it doesn’t matter. It’s not that different from this one, which is that Sharknados are killing everybody on the East Coast. The destruction begins almost immediately while Fin’s receiving his medal at the White House.
This hokey opening—during which Fin thankfully alerts us that “there’s a storm coming”—ends with him and a group of people that includes his brother-in-law played by Mark McGrath (thanks so much for telling me “I’m Fin’s brother-in-law”), killing a shark that’s flying toward them from the sky by impaling it with the American flag. Fin says, “God bless America.”