A Tactical Guide to Avoiding Someone on Facebook
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Facebook has circulated a new video instructing users on how to block (and quickly unblock) an ex. This is a great start, but it’s simply not enough, because everyone knows that when it comes to putting distance between you and that mouthbreather you once called your lover, there is nothing but breathy shades of gray.
I legit don’t understand why Facebook has taken so long to address these real, devastating problems any sooner than now, and proof of how tedious it is to avoid certain people on Facebook lies in the many tedious steps outlined below. It is my sincere hope that this blocking video is a sign of more detailed instructional help to come.
If They Inspire a Low-Level Animosity
Some people don’t inspire outright hatred but rather a kind of low-simmering irritation. Or you simply don’t know them intimately enough to want to know about their upcoming surgery or which songs remind them of their recently deceased pet. This also includes people who haven’t bothered to restrict their own posts among appropriate groups because they are either too lazy (moi) or too stupid (also moi), as well as people you had something with that is ending and need not to think about, but won’t actually be crying over or anything.
However, your feelings—though real enough to merit the occasional eye-roll or low-grade heartache—do not include the wish to rid them from your network per se. You see them every day at work! You stopped hooking up but agreed to be friends! Etc:
- Oversharers
- Whimsicals
- Braggarts
- Extremists
- Agitators
- Relatives
- Coworkers
- Bosses
- Person You’ve Ended a Non-Real Thing With But Still Have to “Get Over”
Solutions
The answer is here is to definitely limit what you have to see of them, but also perhaps limit what they can see of you, if, say, you either don’t want them commenting on your life, or don’t want them knowing about it because fuck them maybe just a little? (Fuck them definitely scenarios will be covered later.)
To Get Rid of Them
Click on one of their posts and decide which of these three levels suits you:
- I don’t want to see this (hides that post from Mouthbreather only)
- See less from Mouthbreather
- Unfollow Mouthbreather
- Turn off chat. Go to right-hand bottom side of Facebook, select the options icon, select “Advanced” and enter Mouthbreather’s name under “Turn on chat for all friends except Mouthbreather.”
P.S.: If you unfollow, but don’t turn off chat, annoyingly, Facebook will still prioritize this chatter in your chat list if you chatted a bunch, because that list is based on frequency. You can re-order your chat list on Facebook mobile by swiping left at the bottom right corner, and clicking edit, and then dragging up the friends you chat with most, so Mouthbreather stays farther down and hopefully out of sight.
Another caveat (SEE?!?): If Mouthbreather was designated as a “close acquaintance” by you on Facebook (you got notifications whenever they posted anything), you will still get those notifications even after unfollowing them. To end this misery for once and for all, you will have to go to their profile and click on “Friends” up top, and then unclick “get notifications” because otherwise you are still gonna know when they’ve posted a latte/laptop/bowl of curry pic even if it doesn’t show up in your feed. And then you’re just right back in that hole, dearie.
How To Limit What They See of You
By Post: For people whom you’d rather not entice to comment on your more provocative posts (political nuts, misogynists, Debbie Downers, sadsacks, etc.) you can simply change the status of your post in the dropdown that says “Friends” or “Public” and exclude them from it, either as an individual or by creating a group and sticking them in it (like “Sadsacks”).