ADHD Recap: You're Cut Off

By Hortense Smith | July 11, 2010 | 8:30pm

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Because I have raging ADHD, I typically leave the television on in the background while I’m posting on the weekends. Today, for whatever reason, my set was tuned to a marathon of You’re Cut Off. So here’s an ADHD recap:

The underlying theme of this show, as far as I can tell, is that there are far too many spoiled, horrible rich people in the world who need to be made an example of on cable television. 5 or 8 or 7—I don’t know how many—of these women have been picked to live in one of Vh1’s slimy McMansions (update: I’ve been told it’s actually just a nasty house of sorts, which shows how little attention I was paying, I suppose), where they’re expected to stop being rich, and start getting really pissed off about it. They are all clearly terrible, or maybe not, maybe they’re really good people who are clearly just playing up their terribleness for the cameras, because anyone who knows anything about reality shows knows you don’t get the spin-off unless you’re the biggest, most obnoxious bitch in the house. Unless you’re on The Bachelor, and then you get the spin-off by dodging a huge douche bullet, only to choose one of your own to shoot yourself in the foot with as The Bachelorette approximately three months later.

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So anyway, Bratty McPhee and Snotty Magoo and the rest of the cast of the hit children’s cartoon Beverly Hills Teens move into this sad little fake house in order to learn some lessons on how to not treat the rest of the world like a pile of garbage, which is a good idea in theory, I suppose, but if you’ve seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, you know that a bad egg is a bad egg and will eventually end up going down the garbage shoot, regardless of how many little orange men come out to sing warning songs. Here, there are no Oompa-Loompas, but there are life coaches, I think, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention, and guest stars like Omarosa, clearly an expert on reality tv classiness and lack of bitchery, who shows up to make sure the Bratz Squad learns humility by cleaning her toilet or some shit whatever who the fuck cares, I think a commercial for Cheez-Its came on at that point and I got upset that I didn’t have any in the house.

Ok so. Later in the show, one of the girls is horrified by the idea of cleaning anything, and says something like, “These hands are only for diamonds,” at which point I was like, “I should really change the channel,” but then realized that the remote was across the room and I was too busy working to deal with it so I continued along with the Pout Patrol whining about cleaning toilets in the background while my dog decided to fill the room with his own brand of air freshener and my cupboards remained bare of Cheez-Its.

I don’t know if this was the same episode or another one but later on the girls were forced to shop at a discount store, and I didn’t look up at the screen, so I assume it was T.J. Maxx or something but it could have been the Goodwill or a tag sale or, in listening to these girls, Tiffany’s instead of Cartier. In any case they were shocked that you didn’t have to pay $400 for shoes, and one of them thought the discount clothing store was going to be filled with diseases, which is a funny thing to say considering she’s currently living in a Vh1 McMansion, but I digress. They then had to take a test to see who could determine what was an expensive item and what was a cheap item, and they were all terrible at it and embarrassed that their shallowness and shopping habits did not translate into actual purchasing skills.

In the end, some of them passed and some of them failed the behavioral test set before them, which are meant to make them better people and determine whether or not they’re really going to be cut off by their benefactors which, I mean, please. Never gonna happen. Anyway, one of them was made the V.I.P. of chores or something and was given champagne, which really pissed the rest of them off. Then they all insulted each other, one of them said something idiotic like, “cellulite is never okay,” and my boyfriend came home and was all, “Babe, mind if I watch the World Cup,” and I said, “Sure, I’m working, I wasn’t even watching this anyway,” which is totally true. And just like that, my half-ass You’re Cut Off marathon was, well, cut off. And I still don’t have any Cheez-Its.

The End!

PS: A commenter pointed out that I missed an H, which is typical, no? It’s ADHD. I always forget the H and the whole DSM-IV update. I’m sorry. It is fixed now. There’s an H. Still no Cheez-Its, though.

Also, it should be noted that I really did only half-watch this show while working, as stated, so everything above might be totally wrong and is only true to my own experience, dig? Should you want to watch it for yourself, I believe episodes are streaming at the official site: You’re Cut Off [Vh1]