All-female reboots are offensive and also not cool. You know what’s not offensive and definitely cool? Reboots that only feature babies.
Jezebel is a site with a strong pro-baby stance, in that one of your editors is an actual baby who wears diapers, and of course, everyone on staff shares a deep fondness for Ariana Grande, demon-hunter, tiny chanteuse and known baby. The culture wars grow ever more fraught in the age of social media; it’s hard to say something that will please your audience in this time of identity politics and tone-correction. But we’re going to go out on a limb here, cut through the bullshit and say what everyone’s thinking: this movie would be better if it starred a baby.
We put forth for your consideration a list of all-baby reboots we’d like to see.
Baby Psycho
The Godbaby
Lord of the Babies: The Return of the Baby
One Baby Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
All-Baby Koyaanasqatsi
Babies of the Lost Ark
Saving Private Baby
The Baby Centipede
Drive Me Baby
The Thin Red Line, But With Babies
Baby vs. Baby
Dr. Mom, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Baby
All-Baby Rashomon
Million Dollar Baby
Baby Begins
Mr. and Mrs. Baby
Bad Babies II
Monsters vs. Babies
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Baby
Searching for Baby Fischer
Children of Baby
Baby and Clyde
Lee Daniels’ The Baby
Mean Babies
Before the Devil Knows You’re a Baby
The Baby McGuire Movie
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Babies
Baby Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Zero Dark Baby
Pan’s Babyrinth
Jerry Mababy
Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s…. A Baby
Dallas Babies Club
Bend It Like Baby
8 Mile, But With Babies
Single White Baby
Risky Babies
Dial B For Baby
Hold on a minute. None of these movies will pass the Bechdel test, because all the actors will be babies and can’t actually speak. Just kidding, I already hate all these movies as well as all these anti-feminist babies. I’ll make an exception only for Ghostbabies, in theaters December 2016.
Illustration by an actual baby
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