All the Crazy Stuff You Can't Bring to Coachella
LatestBehold! The great unleashing of hipsterdom is just days upon us—the Coachella music festival kicks off this weekend. To make sure you’re prepared, we have the definitive list of “Dos” and Donts” as handed down by your music festival overlords.
I’m actually jealous of whoever goes to this thing. I haven’t been to a music festival since the days when MC Hammer was still a culturally relevant musical icon. While I’d like to get out of the house and check out some live music, every time I even think about going to a big outdoor festival all that goes through my head is OMG look at that goddamn mess out there—where the hell are you supposed to park? You probably have to walk five miles from your car just to get to the damn gate. And I bet they charge you and arm and leg to park way the hell out there, too. Parking agony has literally sucked all the joy out of my life. At least the Internet has all those cat videos.
Coachella is a celebration of the avant-garde/Indie style of music you can still pretend is underground in the record industry. It’s also a really great way for celebrities to make tons of money to do drugs and stand around and occasionally pretend like they’re really into the music show their support for Indie rock. Judging by current prices, you will probably have to max out your Discover card to get tickets for you and your roommate (who promises to pay you back when she gets paid next month). So before you leave, it’s important that you fully understand all the rules you must heed before partying with a bunch of drunks in the middle of a California desert:
- No Instruments (especially drums!!!)
- No Knives / Weapons Etc.
- No Chains / Chain Wallets
- No Fireworks / Explosives
- No Blankets
- No Outside Food & Beverages
- No Bota Bags
- No Tents
- No Flags
- No Tailgating in Parking Lots
- No Refunds/Exchanges/Cancellations
- No Chairs
- No Video Cameras
- No Audio Recording Devices
- No Professional Cameras
- No Stuffed Animals
- No Sharpies / Markers
- No Pets
- No Drugs & Drug Paraphernalia
- No Laser Pointers
First of all, yes—fuck drums. This is less about those of you attending Coachella this year and more about my 47-year-old neighbor who, at 2 a.m. every Wednesday, seems to revisit his dreams of becoming the next Tommy Lee. Give it up, dude. You have a great job at Guitar Center that offers you good benefits and the chance to pick up chicks who are trying to “get into music and stuff.” Tommy Lee never had it so good.