And Now For Some FanFic Starring Ed Westwick, Jessica Szohr & Kanye West

By Dodai Stewart  |  September 2, 2010 | 7:45pm
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Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr attended the US Open yesterday, but instead of watching Andy Roddick, the Gossip Girl stars indulged in a little nuzzling. What were the lovebirds cooing about? After the jump: A pseudo-Shakesperean fictional narrative. Enjoy!

In Tennis, Love Means Nothing
A Play.
Dramatis Personae
Edward, Lord Westwick, Earl of Hottenham, rumored to be a descendant of Lord Byron. Alias: Chuck Bass.
Jessica, Lady Szohr. Alias: The “vaguely ethnic” one “from Brooklyn” on Gossip Girl.
Selita Ebanks, model.
Kanye West, self–declared King.

Act I
Scene 1

Ed: By Jove you look delicious in that hat. Like a deposed despot at a cock fight. I just want to taste the rum droplets glistening on your lips.

Jessica: Huh?

Act I
Scene 2

Ed: Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made for kissing, lady, not for such contempt. Let my brave soldier slip inside your foxy foxhole.

{kissing commenceth}

Jessica: Mmm.

Random Black Guy: That, sir, is what’s up.

Act I
Scene 3

Jessica: My lord, I’m afraid there be paparazzi. Like, over there.

Act I
Scene 4

Ed: Fie! I care not, my lady. A man can die but once. In Touch magazine doth stay on newsstands but a fortnight. But! Our love! Is Forever! Now, I pray thee sit on my lap. Like a patriotic knight, I carry a lengthy rapier for thee and thy cunt country.
{cont.}

Jessica: Ooh! Unh. Damn!

Ed: Hush, my love! I’m trying to make a point. Mercy! It has gone… Stay a while, and perchance it will come again.

Random White Guy Number One: Whoa! Are those 90210 kids having sex? Dude, clap and they might put it on the big screen!

Random White Guy Number Two: Behold the lovers, full of joy and mirth!

Act I
Scene 5

Ed: When a steed is spurred into action and ridden, hot, it speeds too fast, and ’twill tire. But seriously. That was hot, right?

Jessica: Hee hee!

Act I
Scene 6

Ed: A quart of ale is a dish for a King!

Act II
Scene 1

Kanye: How droll. This villain daresay he is a king. Come not between a man and his title. Who is it that can tell me who I am? I AM THE KING!!!!1!!!

Selita: How could he be so artless?

Act II
Scene 2

Kanye: Fie. This beslubbering lout cares not. Ay me! I am vexed.

Selita: O spite! What games! Ours is to watch, not play. Ignore this match, for there’s a far better volley on the green below.

Act II
Scene 3

Kanye: What say you, woman? Shall we take our leave? ‘Twould be better to drink Cristal and be merry on Jay-Z’s yacht.

Selita: Good sir, we shall part, for now I am shame;
And thou art wrong, so ’tis you I blame.

{Exeunt}

Fin.

[Images via Pacific Coast News Online.]

 
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