Hey Christoph Waltz! We’ve never met before, but let me say I’m a big fan and I thought you were great in Inglourious Basterds. That’s actually sort of the problem. You were too great in Inglorious Basterds. I can’t watch you in anything else without seeing your character in that movie. Even when you’re on the red carpet, even when you’re posing for photos with your family, that’s how I see you, which is totally unfair. You shouldn’t be punished for being a good actor and, by all accounts, you’re an amiable guy in real life. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help your case. Col. Landa was amiable, too, but he was also a cruel and cold blooded killer. You smile and make a joke to Ryan Seacrest during an interview and all I can think is very charming, Nazi. It’s bullshit. I’m bullshit, but, unfortunately, I think a lot of people feel the same way.
Anyway, there’s a rumor going around that you’re in talks to appear in the next Muppet movie, so, first and foremost, congratulations. I’m glad you’re working because you totally deserve it. But, secondly, please don’t. The Muppets are our safe place. No one gets burned to death in a Muppet movie, no one gets shot up under the floor boards and, like it or not, that’s the sort of scene you roll with now.
It’s clear that I am in the wrong here. Like most prejudices, my argument is based in fear and not in logic, so of course you should go ahead and do whatever you want. Maybe you’ll shatter everyone’s expectations of you — prove that you’re not the mean man with the pistol — but maybe mayyyyybbbbeeee you’ll end up strangling Miss Piggy in a box office. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! My bias is showing again.
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Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
