Crazy Bible-Thumper Leaves Epic Note On Neighbor's Door

Our tipster helpfully sent images of the note. A handy transcript and a word of explanation from the recipient of the such wisdom is at the bottom.

Dear Neighbor,

This letter comes from the well of love that is my heart. The Bible says we ought not judge so I did not when you lived with your older gentleman friend. I understand particularly as I was betrothed to an elder of my church and after we married on my 14th birthday our union bore 9 children unto our faith. No sooner, though, had you asked your older gentleman to leave than you begin cavorting in carrying on with a long-haired boy. The good book says that respectable young men should crop their hair close. I still did not judge. My concerns arise now that I notice the long-haired boy does not come around and his company has been replaced by not one, but two odd looking and noticably misshapen dogs. Although I still reserve judgement I can assure you this: if I, and most of [redacted] can hear the strange animalistic ruckus coming from your apartment then baby Jesus and the good Lord can hear it, too. I ask you to please reconsider your loose style of life and listen to the still and small voice of god inside your head. I have decided to leave this letter anonymously as I’m sure it will cause you to reconsider your harlot’s lifestyle and if you only knew who I am you would spend every waking moment lavishing me with gifts of baked goods and poetry for saving your almost lost soul. I’m sure neither of us have time for that. Thank you for being receptive to this note and you can just thank me in your prayers.

Lovingly yours,

Concerned citizen for the concerns of my fellow citizens of [redacted] (a.k.a. Mt. Megiddo, Zion)

The harlot in question offers the following information:

I found this gem on my door this morning. While it clearly has to be a joke, (I’m already eying a former co-worker) I do have a Baby Jesus lovin’ church at the end of my street, so I guess there’s always a possibility I have crazy living on my street.

Oh, and that older gentleman? That would be my dad. That heathen with long hair? That would be my boyfriend. Those two misshapen dogs? My Maltese/Papillion and a Yorkie/Terrier? One of which I JUST adopted and am getting healthy.