

Picture this: You stand accused of conducting shadow diplomacy in a country your boss tried to strong-arm into influencing an election. A separate report also ties you to shadow diplomacy in Venezuela, which tracks with the previous reporting about your efforts to act on behalf of President Trump in the Ukraine. While discussing all this with your lawyers, they ask you about the steps you plan to take in the coming weeks, while your boss prepares to fight a looming impeachment. You pause, step outside to make a few calls with some other notable Crime Guys, come back in the room, and announce that you will be representing your boss against the impeachment. One of your lawyers shits his pants, while another turns around and throws up into the lap of her assistant. One asks for a moment of fresh air, and his assistant later finds him digging “GUILTY” into the walls of the office with his own fingernails, which are bloody and broken. Your name… is Rudy Giuliani.
At Trump’s New Year’s Eve celebration at Mar–A–Lago, Rudy Giuliani told Fox News reporters that he would do just about anything for his boss, including testify in a Senate impeachment trial. Even more stunningly idiotic, though, was his insistence that he would “love to try the case.” Yes, that is correct. Crime Guy Rudy Giuliani, who is most definitely doing some kind of crime, would like to act as President Trump’s off-white knight at an impeachment trial: “I would testify. I would do demonstrations. I’d give lectures. I’d give summations. Or, I’d do what I do best: I’d try the case. I’d love to try the case. I don’t know if anybody would have the courage to give me the case.”