Did You Know Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard Have a Fucking Teak Bathtub?!

Happy Valentine’s Day, when two people fall in love they buy an entire Brooklyn brownstone and fill it with fireplaces and conspicuously teak furniture so they can have high ceilings over their heads as they pretend to be bohemian artist types—thus it is written.

Married actors Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard have perfected this performance, as further evidenced by this virtual tour of their home they participated in for Architectural Digest. It’s really quite something!

The main feature of the house is that the people in it (not to mention the cat, who is mewling for some Xanax) seem super uncomfortable. There are a lot of tossed off dinner party lines throughout the video such as Sarsgaard exclaiming “I like the idea of being on a boat and having to have everything have its own little spot” and Gyllenhaal pointing out that they own a fucking theremin because she played one in a movie once. Although the most in-character remark, to me, is Maggie’s riff on how watching The Lives of Others, a film about the repression of artistic life by the Stasi in ’80s East Germany, inspired them to craft-paper the walls.

Sarsgaard’s thing is pointing out the teak furniture in every room (even their bathtub is made of teak, but they also have a steam shower), while Gyllenhaal notes they sometimes heat their whole house with just the four fireplaces at their disposal. I could see people watching this and think it’s a modest celebrity home, a folksy love den, but this is New York City decadence at its most twee and it makes me want to dig a hole in the ground and take a vacation there.