Do Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk Have Nothing Better To Do Than This?

We’re told that, under capitalism, mass suffering and inequality are all worth it because it still means we have choices. Sure, three corporations own basically every product we have to choose from, but that is, supposedly, better than the socialist nightmare of government-provided health care. And yet, here we all are, choosing between two billionaires’ equally unpleasant micro-blogging platforms as part of the ongoing digital “cage fight” between Twitter CEO Elon Musk and Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

I’ll admit it: As the world burns around us and two people with all the resources in the universe to do something about it refuse to, Zuckerberg and Musk’s feud has had its entertaining moments, at least in a nihilistic sense. To recap, last week, Zuckerberg launched Threads to a predictable smattering of success—as of Monday, the social platform has already drawn 100 million users within just four days. (Of course, it’s hardly an accomplishment; almost anyone could succeed against someone with Musk’s childlike, nonexistent business acumen.)

But social media users are increasingly embracing Zuckerberg as some type of hero for offering us the half-baked Twitter imitation that comes months too late. So I am here to politely remind you: We actually don’t have to align with Team Musk or Team Zuckerberg, both of whom are responsible for irreparable harm to democracy.

Perhaps the biggest marker of just how poorly things are going for Twitter is Musk’s reaction to Threads, which has included threatening to sue Meta for poaching the former Twitter employees Musk unceremoniously laid off and disparaged online, and, more recently, a steady stream of juvenile insults directed at Zuckerberg.

Over the weekend, the two exchanged a series of barbs: “Concerning ,” Zuck posted on Threads, transparently spoofing Musk’s habit of tweeting “concerning” and “looking into this” in response to every tweet from embittered conservatives claiming their posts are somehow being shadow-banned by Musk’s website. Musk responded as any mature, 52-year-old father of nine would—by tweeting “Zuck is a cuck,” and, eight hours later, proposing a literal “dick measuring contest” between the two. All of this, mind you, comes on the heels of both adult men expressing interest in participating in a “cage fight” with proposed venues ranging from the Vegas Octagon to the Roman Colosseum, and with alleged human trafficker Andrew Tate volunteering to coach Musk.

Yes, the Taliban is decisively siding with Musk on this, but that doesn’t mean any of us have to pick sides too. Even as Zuckerberg grows in popularity via admittedly punchy anti-Musk jokes, he’s still responsible for much of the misinformation that shaped the outcome of the 2016 presidential election, not to mention mass violence and what some have even characterized as genocide in Myanmar. Meta employees are barred from talking about abortion, and the company has also collaborated with anti-abortion organizations to provide access to abortion seekers’ data, rendering them vulnerable to criminalization. Musk’s credentials similarly include denying factory workers a living wage and the right to unionize, firing workers for seeking parental leave, enabling neo-Nazis and transphobes across Twitter (not to mention rampant election disinformation), and, of course, allegedly sexually harassing and silencing a flight attendant.

In other words, for all the showmanship of their feud, Musk and Zuckerberg have far more in common than that which divides them; and they’re not even fighting over us, but rather, for their own enrichment. I hope they do have their little real-life cage fight, and spare us all the high school drama department-level theatrics of their exhibitionist internet bitching. The loser of said cage fight should be shipped off to SpaceX’s Martian space colony—and, frankly, so should the winner.