Ellen DeGeneres's Response to Anti-Gay Writer is Basically Perfect

By Night Editor | January 15, 2015 | 4:30am

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Ellen DeGeneres told a loudmouth religious right anti-gay zealot to have a seat and oh what a glorious seat it was.

On Wednesday’s episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the daytime talk show host took a moment out of her usual monologue to address a rather bullshit-y article by Larry Tomczak, in The Christian Post called “Are You Aware of the Avalanche of Gay Programming Assaulting Your Home?” The alternate title of that article was, I believe, “FARRRRRRTTT FARRTY FARRRRRT FARRRRRRRT FART FART.” They pretty much both convey the same message.

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In the article, Tomczak took aim directly at DeGeneres, saying she “celebrates her lesbianism and ‘marriage’ in between appearances of guests like Taylor Swift to attract young girls.” Really love the scare quotes around marriage, Larry. DeGeneres, who normally ignores this kind of bullshit about her in the media, decided to have some fun with this gay panic nonsense. This is all glorious, so don’t miss a second of it:

“OK, let’s just break this down. First of all, I’m not ‘married’ [motions air quotes] I’m married. That’s all. And, Larry, I don’t even know what it means to celebrate my lesbianism. I mean…Well, I guess I do..it’s like that! Yay! I’m gay!”

“In the article, the pastor criticizes a lot of TV shows for promoting gay agendas. He says that Glee has over five characters. Modern Family had a gay wedding.Anderson Cooper boasts about his homosexuality. If you ask me, Larry is watching a lot of gay TV. His solution is for parents to encourage their kids to watch classic TV shows like Little House on the Prairie and I Love Lucy. It’s not like I Love Lucy is a great example for kids! She’s shoving all that chocolate in her mouth! That’s not good for kids.

Then she showed a glorious picture of Vivian Vance and Lucille Ball with a garbage can lid that I cannot do justice to.

“The only way I’m trying to influence people is to be more kind and compassionate with one another. That is the message I’m sending out. I don’t have an agenda.”

Then DeGeneres revealed her true plan, pulling out an Evil Gay Hypno Device and proceeded to turn the whole audience gay! OH MY GOD LARRY YOU WERE RIGHT.

Listen to the sound of my voice. Attention youth of the world: I want you to live your lives being exactly who you are. Be true to yourself—the most important thing is to be true to yourself. The second most important thing is that you wear Ellen underwear and only Ellen underwear. And now, audience, look into my vortex and dance with me.

If you have trouble analyzing DeGeneres’ statements, refer to this handy scientific chart to break it down for you. It sounds like this guy has a lot of pervy, latent lesbian fantasies that he’s projecting on to people like DeGeneres. Maybe he should address that instead of wasting his time worrying about what a talk show host is doing on television.