Etiquette Monster: Can I Fake Sick to Avoid Racism? Do I Dare Call My Boss a 'Peach'?

What should I do with my freeloading MONSTER of a dinner guest?

I have a friend who, for over a year or so, has been coming over for dinner—at least once a month, sometimes once a week. Often, we walk home from school together and I ask if he wants to come over for dinner that day, or some times I text him to see what he’s up to over the weekend. My partner and I like having people over, and I love cooking, so it’s enjoyable to have company over.

My gripe is about the absence of any gestures of reciprocity on the part of my friend. In all the time he’s been coming over, he has not invited me to his place once (he lives across the street), he has not offered to help with dishes/clean up or, when we’re at the campus cafeteria together, he’s never once offered to pay for lunch. I struggle with how I feel about this because, on the one hand, I don’t invite people over with the expectation that they owe me something but, on the other hand, after a year of no reciprocity, I’m starting to feel taken advantage of.

I have stopped hanging out with this person and have not mentioned why. Should I say something? I feel like he really is utterly clueless and it might help him with general etiquette if I said something. Or, am I being petty in bringing it up?

You are definitely not petty. At best, your friend is a dumb-dumb and at worst, he’s an asshole. I can say this with authority because I’ve BEEN that dumb-dumb/asshole before and it’s really easy to make excuses for your shitty behavior. “I don’t cook!” or “I don’t have room to have people over!” or “My friends like hosting and I don’t” are all excuses I’ve used to not reciprocate my friends’ generosity, but really I was just trying to justify my shitty freeloading. There are ways to chip in that don’t involve cooking or hosting and—as a guest—you should do your part.

The way I see it, you have three options. You could confront your friend directly (which might not go over well), accept that your relationship will end in “stopped inviting him over without explanation” (which is okay, but only the best option if you really want nothing to do with him anymore), or—as passive aggressive as this might sound—you can start training him, like you would a small child, or a chimp that acts in movies.

If you feel like giving this another go, invite him over one more time and directly ask him to bring a bottle of wine. Or say, “Hey, we’d love to have you over for dinner, but would you mind bringing a salad or dessert?” Literally no functioning adult (or chimp that acts in movies) is so clueless that they can’t figure out how to assemble a basic salad or buy a thing of pre-made brownies. And if they are, you have bigger issues to deal with. You could even, after dinner, nicely suggest that your friend helps you clean up. “I’ll wash if you’ll dry,” you’ll say jovially. “Haha, good joke,” he’ll say back. And that’s when you hand him a towel. These demands would be rude if this was a more formalized, one-off occasion, but it’s not! It’s a regular casual dinner that your friend—intentionally or unintentionally—is taking advantage of

If after all this, your pal is still unwilling to help, then he is a RUDE DUDE who doesn’t deserve any future invites. Trust me, there are plenty of other people who would be exceedingly grateful to have you cook for them and will be eager to reciprocate your kindness (or at least act thankful for it).

Am I a MONSTER if I fake sick to avoid my husband’s racist and homophobic relatives?

Next month my spouse and I are going to visit his family in another state. This branch of the family is racist and homophobic. It’s hard to hold it together around them and I don’t blast them for their hate and ignorance to spare my husband having to deal with his family’s reaction to being called on their BS. In the past I have tried gently to point out actual facts that would repudiate their views but its like talking to a big dumb wall.

This is my question, since we are going to be staying with the worst offending of the family members, can I just have bouts of headaches and stomach upset and go to lay in the guest room? My husband is fine with me trying this strategy. I suspect that I will spend most of the days there just trying to be alone.

-Lying Monster

This question turned turned out to be surprisingly controversial, Lying Monster! My initial take: Hell yes, you can fake sick to avoid your racist and homophobic in-laws. You can fake sick to get out of almost anything! Sure, in a perfect world, you could unleash your rage at their bigotry and never have to see them again. Or in an even more perfect world, you could show them the error of their ways and they’d stop behaving so horribly. But this isn’t a perfect world, my friend, and as such you sometimes have to be around people who are racist and homophobic assholes.

If being around them is truly unbearable for you (understandable), I see no problem with excusing yourself to lie down because you have a “headache” or “irritable bowel syndrome” or whatever. Sure, they might suspect that you’re faking it, but it’s unlikely that they’ll call you out on it because that—even to racist homophobes—is a pretty daring accusation to make to someone’s face.

That said, I brought your question to a few friends and was surprised to see that they objected to the idea and felt like it was a fairly dishonest move. But the good news is that this my column, not theirs, and I am telling you that it’s okay, with one caveat: This is a short term solution to a long term problem, and you won’t be able to fake sick every time that you see them (unless you want to come off like some Victorian wife who constantly uses “the vapors” to cover up her raging laudanum addiction, which, hey, maybe you do). Maybe use the time that you’re “sick” in your room to brainstorm some options for the future.

MONSTER BONUS:

I’m hoping that you can clear up an etiquette question that I’ve been debating with a friend for quite some time. If I invite somebody to lunch, and THEY in turn invite somebody to come along, am I expected, as the person who made the initial invite, to pay for all three of us?

What? No. What kind of question is this?

Art by Tara Jacoby.