Halfway through the first episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, Pauly D., the adobe-colored, spiky-haired DJ from Rhode Island, drags a body bag into the living room of their vacation house in Miami. Inside the body bag is a sex doll dressed like Sammi Giancola, the only member of the original cast who opted out of this enterprise, kitted out with a voice box that squawks “STAHP, RAHHN” when you press its stomach or its flaccid hand. It spends one night supine and covered by a beach towel on the couch; later in the episode, someone places it atop the kitchen counter, only for it to fall down.
Ronnie asks if he can have sex with it as a joke, and thankfully, no one follows up. Eventually Dena and Snooki tire of its presence; they throw it into the swimming pool, where it floats, face-up, gurgling one last “STAHHP” before falling mercifully silent. “Is this for real,” I wrote in my notes, followed by more exclamation points than the moment truly warranted. In my heart, I knew I should be offended, but all I could do was laugh. My favorite guidos are back and I couldn’t be happier.