Fuck, Marry, Kill: Zac Efron, Michael B. Jordan, Miles Teller

By Kate Dries  |  January 21, 2014 | 9:40pm
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“We’re the hottest guys working in film and we’re all in the film together,” actor Miles Teller said on the Today show Tuesday while promoting his upcoming bromance rom-com That Awkward Moment. Teller was trying to explain why people should see the movie, in which he stars with fellow hot young men Zac Efron and Michael B. Jordan.

But what if there wasn’t one movie that they were all appearing in? What if…you had to choose between them? For some, that’d be rough. For others, the results are as clear as the many shirtless photos available of the three on the internet are.

Zac Efron

The case for fuck: Zac Efron is much beloved by many people for being hot. This hotness has been remarked upon by women and men young and old but has been covered most notably by BuzzFeed‘s Lauren Yapalater, who has written almost 30 posts celebrating his looks. Highlights include: “The 32 Best Things about Zac Efron,” “6 Absolutely Breathtaking Pictures of Zac Efron Walking Around In A Tank Top” and “14 Photos That Prove Zac Efron Is A Spectacular Human.” He was also in that movie The Lucky One, which has a shower sex scene worth watching if you’re the kind of person that enjoys patented Nicholas Sparks Kiss In Water scenes.

The case for marry: As far as I’m aware, there have never been any real rumors about Zac Efron cheating on his girlfriends, the most famous of whom is Vanessa Hudgens. On the flip side, there have been plenty of rumors about Zac Efron being gay, which to some would be exactly what they want in a husband: a best friend who will let them have sex with other dudes. He is also a recovering addict who has recently handled his issues responsibly and with grace.

The case for kill: Zac Efron is pretty hot according to a certain subset of the world, but he also is the most famous of the three TAM stars, which definitely makes him a likely candidate for most high maintenance and difficult to be around (bonus: he’s a former Disney star). He was also once fake peed on Nicole Kidman. Tainted goods.

Verdict: Kill. We have so many other options.

Michael B. Jordan

The case for fuck: Michael B. Jordan has a really sexy voice and he wears diamond studs in both of his ears. He also does that lip-licking thing that looks so weird on LL Cool J because of his Kangol hats but somehow works on the right person. To quote his TAM costar Miles Teller (who we will get to in a minute), “Every time he licks his lips, I take a drink. I’m drunk in the first minute.” Drunk on sexy, that’s for sure.

The case for marry: An incredibly talented actor who has been on not one but two of the best television shows of all time (The Wire and Friday Night Lights), it’d be rad to marry a dude in Hollywood who is actually worth it. He also comes across as incredibly articulate in interviews, loves his mom, babies and Oprah, and is politically involved. You know, the kind of dude who calls out his co-workers when they’re being dumb in interviews. (Of Teller in an interview recently: “Can you turn his mic off please?”)

The case for kill: I don’t actually know that there is a case for killing Michael B. Jordan. If there is, it’s that his name is almost-but-not-quite the same as the name of a famous douche, Michael Jordan. But that’s not his fault! If anything, the name has likely made him even stronger.

Verdict: Marry. This is a dude you could grow old with who also has an amazing smile.

Miles Teller

The case for fuck: If you’re the kind of person who likes funny dudes, Teller is funny. He is also very cute and was the only really decent part of the remake of Footloose. Lastly: “Naked acrobatics are on my resume” – Miles Teller, 2014.

The case for marry: He is good friends with Shailene Woodley, which means that if you married Miles, you could hang out with Shailene Woodley, who is basically one step away from living in a tree. YOU COULD VISIT SHAILENE WOODLEY IN HER TREEHOUSE.

The case for kill: He’s never really been broken up with. “I’m always the first break up with them,” Teller said in a recent interview. He also seems like the type that has a tendency to flirt with people constantly. And what happens when the laughter stops? Is he secretly just a pit of despair? Maybe you don’t want to find out.

Verdict: Fuck. Miles Teller looks like fun.

Final Verdict:

Fuck: Miles Teller

Marry: Michael B. Jordan

Kill: Zac Efron

Images via Michael B. Jordan/Instagram & Twitter, Universal Pictures and Relativity Media

 
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