Hoarding’s been having a wild time as of late. Not content merely to make a name for itself by providing the basis for several award-winning and delight-inducing shows — did you see the one with the CATS — hoarding’s ditched its previous DSM classification and has burst, debris flying everywhere and smelling faintly of dog poop, into a disorder of its own. That’s right, friends: hoarding’s not a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder anymore and it’s doing its own thing.
Having been accused of being something of a hoarder myself — I will defend to the death my right to buy a new shirt to avoid laundry. So what if I have ten Alfani-brand crew necks littering my floor? They’re comfortable and an everyday low price value and I haven’t done laundry in WEEKS! — and having spent several years working towards a degree in clinical psychology (got it, parents still not proud, now I write about anal prolapses on the internet), I feel I’m more than qualified to give you shopping tips for all the hoarders and hoarders in your life.
Here are some ground rules:
- You can’t get anything big or that takes up too much room. If your loved one’s home already feels like everything’s on the verge of collapse due to the crippling weight that all those phone books are placing on its foundation, you probably don’t want to burden them with anything heavy or useless — like your presence, so mail the gift — for fear of literally bringing down their house.
- You can’t get them a gift card. Some hoarders are all about acquisition and giving them cash money (even in the form of cash money to one place such as hot topic or Victoria’s secret) is going to be a problem. Don’t do that. Be the solution, OK? Be the solution.
With that said, here are some excellent gifts you can give that won’t break your bank or accidentally crush one of your favorite hoarder’s numerous feral cats. Haha, just kidding. Little joke. Those cats are dying under the weight of their owner’s crippling depression. Not your fault at all!
Real Simple Magazine
For the hoarder who’s only beginning their journey to getting lost in their kitchen but not someone who’s at the level of an intervention, this magazine is an excellent way to remind your loved one that nothing beats organization, a scintillating expose on how to keep your eggs fresher than the inside of a motherfucking hen and out-of-place cover stories about how one couple in their mid-to-late fifties (they’ll never tell!) overcame their infidelities.
The best part is that Real Simple has a digital edition so it can, depending on your choices, actually take up no space at all. And, if you’re so inclined, you can spend some time every month clearing the debris off your loved one’s coach and sitting down to discuss the finer points of efficient use of shelving together.
Method Home Products
Cheap, effective and not too overpowering. A hoarder’s home, unsurprisingly, isn’t usually the most sweet-smelling home in the world. Method products (sold at Target, on Amazon, at school bookstores sometimes) don’t mask scents perfectly, but they do give any room a delicate natural smell. My favorite scent is clover, because it feels like you’re outside, even when you’re inside. Crazy how nature make dat.
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