Gifts For Your Most Delinquent Loved Ones
LatestBest friend likes to smuggle dimebags on cross-country flights? Brother prone to petty theft? Boyfriend chronic double-parker? Is your mom totally running an illicit numbers game in the basement of your childhood home? SAME! We’ve compiled a gift for the victimless criminal in your life, in hopes of making them more sophisticated ne’er-do-wells—or at least that they may think fondly of your thoughtful and considerate nature for the 1.2 months they end up in the slammer for criminal trespassing onto the rooftop pool at Soho Grand (hypothetical crime, do not do this at home!).
Okay, but say your loved one does “lock her keys in her car” all the time, and “calling the locksmith” is getting to be a pricey and time-consuming endeavor. Wouldn’t it be kind to gift her with this special CIA Credit Card Lock Pick Set, complete with five separate handy lock-picking devices, kept neat and tidy in an attractive, compact sliding credit card case? Easily slipped inside her wallet next to debit and business cards, keeping the tools handy and discreet, although know your rights: just possessing one of these in some states is illegal, even if you’re just carrying it because another credit card in the billfold makes you look richer on blind dates.
• CIA Credit Card Lock Pick Set, $16.99 from BrassKnucklesCompany.com. (“We recommend that you buy one of our books about lock picking if you are not already skilled in the area.”)
It is actually unclear where one would need to smuggle the tiny amounts of liquor made possible by Urban Outfitters’ Booze Tubes—liquor-friendly test tubes wrapped in tampon packaging that helps sneak a few shots past security—but if your law-breaking family member is a light drinker, these $14 money-saving beauts will go great slipped inside her pocketbook en route to the club. A clever flip on the dopeon, as well, although Urban Outfitters has not specified whether these booze tampons are safe for vaginal insertion.
• Booze Tubes, $14 for five from UrbanOutfitters.com (“Because, honestly? Nobody’s gonna question tampons.”)
Maybe you’ve just learned about the necessity of using an air-gapped computer whilst sharing confidential state secrets (thanks, The Newsroom), but your righteous whistleblower cousin has known about this since becoming a “source” (hello, Clea Duvall). Show your savvy and fealty to the American public’s right to information by gifting her a bundle of CD-Rs for safe file transformation: so that air-gapped joint never has to connect to the internet, potentially exposing her identity to the government.
• Staples CD-R Spindle, $19.99 for 100 from Staples.com (“Record and save your important files.”)
Your mom’s high-stakes poker ring is going swimmingly, but the stakes will be much, much higher once you gift her with a deluxe customizable Lumen HD Casino Table, with LED lights that can be set to white, one color, or changing colors, giving the dank room at the end of a tunnel under a bodega out of which she operates a more festive vibe. Customize for Texas Hold ‘Em, or even up the ante with special tables for Blackjack and even Roulette!
• Lumen HD Casino Table, $1799 w/free shipping from BBOPokerTables.com (“Scientists from leading institutions have concluded that LEDs increase feelings of exhilaration at the poker table precisely 327% (statistic not vetted). Totally worth it.”)