Horny Queen Martha Stewart ‘Melts’ for Brad Pitt

Stewart's continued dedication to being vocally thirsty is inspiring, regardless of our feelings about Pitt.

By Kady Ruth Ashcraft | November 18, 2022 | 5:45pm

Celebrities Notable/Quotable,

Horny Queen Martha Stewart ‘Melts’ for Brad Pitt

Photo:Nicholas Hunt/ Pool (Getty Images)

Before Mariah Carey ascends to her (for legal reasons, unsanctioned) throne of Christmas, another member of the holiday royal family is on tour. Martha Stewart, the Duchess of Thanksgiving, is doing a turkey trot to different late night and daytime talk shows to promote the holiday from which her powers are sourced. Last night on The Tonight Show, between discussing how she doesn’t like string beans and a gold nativity set she has for sale, Stewart mentioned a “very handsome young boy” that makes her “melt.” She is, of course, talking about 58-year-old Brad Pitt.

The 81-year-old homemaker admitted to following Brad Pitt fan accounts on Instagram. “I just sort of melt when I look at those pictures,” Stewart said about Pitt. “He is so cute!”

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While I don’t necessarily condone Stewart’s choice of crush—there are plenty of men who aren’t being sued by their ex-wife for abusing her and their children (Keanu Reeves! Steven Colbert! Lenny Kravitz!)—it’s always inspiring to see a horny octogenarian around the holidays. And before anyone jumps on me about age-gap hypocrisy, know that 1) age-gap relationships when both parties are over 26 don’t really bother me 2) I’m going to advocate for 81-year-old women to be horny on main any day of the week. I needn’t explain myself further.

Stewart says the fan account she follows is called “Brad Pitt Fan Club,” though searching through her following list with that term populates no results. Of course, Stewart likely has a finsta. and I can only imagine its main purpose is for her to thirst-follow Hollywood hunks. Or, maybe she’s curated her algorithmic For You page to just show her members of the gracefully aging 90’s heartthrobs. Either way, Martha’s continued use of Instagram as a horny medium is heartening.

I also have to point out the moment when Martha mentions she’s having people over for Thanksgiving dinner who have nowhere else to go that night and refers to them as “orphans.” It seems like the Fallon audience thinks she means actual orphans and gives her a compassionate applause reserved for ribbon cutting ceremonies. Late night television, never stop being futile. I beg.

Anyway, good on Martha for not just being randy at 81, but also having the energy to wake up early and stay up late to talk about it on TV. We should all be so talented.